Brain still can’t seem to merge ‘nice him’ with ‘abusive him’ many months on

[SunshineRainflower]

Does your brain ever get confused and sort of revert back to the way it was thinking before you realised you were in an abusive relationship? Every now and again my brain just seems to shut down and think ‘Er so why aren’t we with him again, what happened with that lovely man we were dating, can we go back to that? It was so nice, I miss him so much, I feel so sad, why did this have to happen.’ It’s like it starts malfunctioning and blocking out the painful memories of him being cruel to me and how weird and scary he got. It is very much like a ‘computer says no’ scenario, ‘does not compute.’ My mind is still all over the place trying to process who this man actually was, I still feel so confused and freaked out by it all and part of me wishes I could replay the relationship with missing pieces of the puzzle, a bit like in a film when they show you how the killer did it at the end. Then you go ‘ohhhh, it all makes sense now’ and your brain relaxes from its tense ‘whodunit’ mode and settles into calm acceptance. Because there was no closure, no honesty, no way to find out the full truth instead of endless suspicions, my brain seems to whirr round a lot trying to finally put all of this stuff to bed so I can move on.

I saw the famous Michael Jackson’s Thriller video the other day and I was thinking the way, when Michael and his girlfriend are in the graveyard and initially it seems like it is him and her vs the zombies. But then she turns round to see that Michael is actually the lead zombie, that is how it felt when I realised my ex was this scary dangerous person. I thought I’d chosen a lovely guy and had escaped all the horrible men before him, only to realise he was the worst of the lot.

I think it’s partly because this time of year is really triggering me because it was at this time of year that he put me through the initial ‘honeymoon period.’ Today I just felt so sad thinking about how much I missed the early days with him, I loved it all so much and I am still struggling to accept it was an abusive relationship and that it was a honeymoon period because it all felt so real to me, so normal, I think part of me doesn’t want to accept it was fake as it’s too painful. I loved going round to his house, cosy nights in together, frosty mornings, blustery sunny countryside walks, nice meals out in cosy pubs, I felt so happy and lucky to have met him. It’s like my brain sometimes shuts off at these nice memories and just wants to ‘return’ to pick up those nice times and continue the relationship without the abuse. Not that I actually want to return at all because I know there is something horribly wrong with him and he scares me, not to mention his lying and probable cheating. But my poor brain just gets so sad remembering the nice bits it blocks out the horrible stuff and stubbornly won’t let go.

It’s making me feel slightly crazy. It doesn’t usually take me this long to get over someone. It is just under a year that I last saw him yet it still feels so fresh in my mind and memories are always replaying, like it was only a few weeks ago, I am struggling to move on. Some weeks I feel more moved on from it than others.

I just have two such distinct memories of him, ‘nice him’ and ‘abusive him’ and my brain still can’t process that it’s the same person and sometimes just cries and cries at the loss of ‘nice him’ who I was falling in love with.

[Indiansummer]

Hi SunshineRainFlower,

I can totally understand what you mean. I lately find myself talking the ‘nice’ him in my head and trying to explain to him why I’d left him..and saying that I wanted to spend my life with him and that I missed him..

But did this ‘nice’ one ever existed?
This constant conflict and cognitive dissonance in my brain puts me all over the place with my thoughts and moods sometimes.

But it is very reassuring to know that I’m not alone feeling this way x

[Freedomfighter]

Hi SunshineRainflower,
Have you tried thinking carefully about someone of those nice memories? I have the same problem sometimes, have wondered where, why and how it all changed. Why did he change etc was it my fault? When I started really thinking about the ‘good’ parts, writing them down after finding out about coercion, control and manipulation, I’ve realised that he was doing that right from the start. He was just subtle about it and always blamed loving me, missing me etc or because he’d wanted something to be extra special and it wasn’t going as he planned. He knew I was very caring and don’t like upsetting people, so he would use that to coerce me into doing things etc but then ‘rewarded’ me with something nice. You end up forgetting about the bad things and just remembering the lovely rewards. Or at least that’s what happened with me.
The downside of realising that he was always an abuser is that I feel even more stupid for having stayed with him so long and wasting my life. That’s life! Good luck, at least you escaped, perhaps talking about your dreams here or about how you feel and losing your ideal relationship will help stop them. Hope so😊

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks for your replies everyone. Freedomfighter yes I was just thinking about that today, how actually he was abusive right from the start, or at least very manipulative, I just didn’t realise and seemed to block it out. For example I think he pretended not to get one of my texts after only the first date, which set up this scenario where he played the victim and I felt sorry for him, and fast forwarded things when I was actually only planning on going on 1-2 dates with him max. But after this I felt guilty and like I should give him a chance and that’s how I ended up with him. I’m pretty sure he set it all up on purpose and it is a well practiced technique for him, but at the time it seemed so real and I 100% believed him because I never knew there are people out there who lie to and manipulate others like this.

I fell in love with the idea of this relationship with him, the whole experience, and mostly blanked out the strange stuff which allowed me to live in the dream of it, as I wanted it to be real.

I’ve always just wanted to ‘finally’ find that perfect loving man, my ideal partner, someone who will be kind and loving and thoughtful and sweet, attractive, sexy, fun, shares my values, goals etc. Everyone keeps saying to focus on myself and live in the present but I much preferred it when I was with my ex, I just wish he hadn’t been abusive. I’m not sure how to rid myself of this lifelong longing for the right partner. I seem to find it hard to be truly happy.

[duvetday]

Hi SunshineRainflower,
Sorry that you’re experiencing this. Just wanted to say I can completely relate to your post. i have it all the time and it’s exhausting.. trying to match up the two sides of the person and having massive resistance in a way in accepting he was abusive as well as “nice, loving etc”… Hopefully we will get to a point where this gets resolved in our minds.. :/

[Freedomfighter]

Hi SunshineRainflower,
I know what you mean, I had that dream too. I’m very shy and awkward around men always have been, but he was so easy to talk to. I instantly didn’t like him on our first date and tried to get out of any more, but I’m useless at lying and he called me out. I felt so guilty I agreed to a second. I tried again to end it after the fifth but he begged to be allowed to take me out for a meal to apologise for his behaviour and I caved in the end. He bought me a bunch of red roses and had something to say about each of our 5 dates then gave me the 6th rose saying this is for a hopeful future and begged to be given another chance saying he was sorry. He was so different after, so attentive, asking me about my dreams, ambitions, fears what my ideal partner would be like etc he agreed with everything I was saying making out we were made for each other, showering me with expensive gifts and would get all hurt and offered when I refused to accept them. Every time he upset me and I wanted to end it he would either twist it around to be my fault or play the sympathy card which got me every time. Realising all this and discovering that coercion and manipulation were forms of abuse finally made me accept the truth. For so many years I clung desperately to the nice guy image and my dream of happiness. But I know now that he’s not capable of loving me. He bought me a book for Christmas The Little Angel by Rosie Goodwin. It’s all about relationships and different forms of abuse. It made me cry and was incredibly hard to read. But it’s easy to see the abuse when I read other people’s posts or this book. I think maybe I was too proud or maybe too ashamed at ignoring everyone’s advice and believing I knew better and couldn’t admit I’d been wrong. By then I was trapped and tried to make it work and was too full of doubts and having no confidence or self esteem left. I was so low and without any hope totally neglected myself in the hope it would all end soon and I’d die. The only thing that shook me into action was seeing my son shrivel up and getting more and more skinny and locking himself away in his room. I have to save him. To do that I have to divorce my husband and save us both.
The hardest thing for me is accepting that the good times were just more lies. That I was so completely wrong. It knocked the little bit of confidence and self respect out of me. How could I ever trust myself again? I’m starting to realise that I knew all along, but didn’t trust my instincts and believed him instead. My son helps me see that my instincts are right which gives me hope and courage. I’m sure I would have chickened out again by now if it wasn’t for my son. Build up your confidence and practice listening to your gut. I believe these abusers target shy caring women like us. They prey on our insecurities and use them against us. Confidence and believing in ourselves is the key to happiness. We saw the red flags but ignored them because we were so desperate to be loved. We attract these predators because we’re too nice to send them packing. We have to become strong, confident women to attract good men and friends. Good luck with your journey. Be strong and happy then you’ll find your dream ❤️

[Tiffany]

It sounds like you are more in love with your dream of a relationship than you ever were with him. He just sort of slotted into that dream. And now it is hard to dream it without him filling the role of your partner. Which is hideously unfair of him, as it’s your dream. I wonder if something I did when I left my partner might help. I actually, for the first time ever, wrote down a list of what my dream partner would be like. Not because I really think that my dream partner exists, but because it helped me separate my abuser and his love bombing actions out from what I actually wanted. Some were traits that he did have, I have always said I wouldn’t date a man who couldn’t cook, and he was a great cook. Some he didn’t – I like dancing and would love to date a good dancer, and he had zero sense of rhythm. Some of course were directly opposed to his actions. No one who belittled me. The list really helped me to see that we weren’t the perfect match he always claimed we were even without the abuse. And lets me daydream about having a nice relationship without him muscling in on it.

It also helped me see what I could do for myself to be happier. I wanted a man who would run me baths – well, I now make an effort to treat myself to a bath more often. I wanted a man to help me become financially independent from my parents and to buy a house – I am now looking at ways that I could do that alone. Obviously not all the things I want in a partner can be done alone. Nothing I can do about sex or a man to give me back massages (although suppose I could pay for the latter occasionally) but I was surprised at how much I could do for myself.

[Freedomfighter]

Great advice, Tiffany. I will try that too. Not that I’m looking for another man at my age 😁 But the rest!

[SunshineRainflower]

Freedomfighter that’s so interesting about your experience as I had the exact same thing, I tried to end things after the 5th date because I’d started to have suspicions about him like he seemed to be two different people, and I found his dating profile still online afetr he said he’d deleted it, and he acted strange when I invite him round to my house amongst other little red flags. Unfortunately I was not prepared for his master level of acting and lying that he did. In the past most men disappear when I call them out on my suspcions but my ex didn’t at all, he just put on an even better act and it 100% fooled me so I agreed to keep seeing him, telling myself off for not trusting him and thinking it was my own anxiety! If only I had listened to myself at that crucial point instead of him none of this would have happened. But somehow I feel it needed to because I had been in abusive relationships before without realising, it was like the universe was trying to wake me up to my pattern and had to send someone really obvious for me to finally see it. So it has changed my life but obviously would have preferred to do without all the pain, abuse, being lyed to, cheated on etc as it takes so long to heal from all that c**p.

I created an ‘ideal husband’ document Tiffany so I will fill that in this week, a nice new year activity to do 🙂 I do actually have a dream partner, I even have a nickname for this person as he is very well defined in my head. This image actually made me feel very guilty with my ex because I knew he didn’t fit the profile of my ideal man, but I kept thinking ‘what if ideal man doesn’t exist, this man is real and wants to date you so give him a chance.’

I just feel like after years of dating I know more or less the kind of man I’d be best matched with and whose company I’d most enjoy, but don’t want the image to be too specific because I could end up turning away good men just because they don’t fit it. On the other hand, it encourages me to keep my standards high and not accept poor treatment just to have a partner.

I agree I was in love with the relationship, I remember struggling to list lots of things I liked about my ex but I liked enough to want to be with him. Although I realise now that a lot of that was fake in the end. It’s all very confusing still.

I can see that I was willing to give up so much just to have a partner, companionship, love, sex. It scares me how I was willing to give up so much for that, like a heroin addict giving up everything just for heroin.

[Tiffany]

I looked at the document as more a mirror on myself than a blueprint for an actual man to date. Although it does help weeding out the poor choices in internet dating too! It really gave me some insights into how I was failing to look after myself – I was bad at buying myself treats and I wanted a man who would do that for me. Obviously it is much easier while I am single to buy myself the occasional treat, than it is to find a man to do it! So I have bought myself all sorts of things, big and small since leaving, and it’s materialistic, but it makes me happy. I will still appreciate it if someone else does it for me, but I don’t feel like I am missing out entirely because I haven’t got that. I was also bad at planning nice nights in. But I am much better at that now! And I was bad at standing up for myself, I wanted someone who would do that for me. And that is obviously a dangerous trait when dating, so I have been working hard on that!

[SunshineRainflower]

I see what you mean Tiffany, that’s a good way to approach it because it takes back the power yourself rather than adding to that powerless ‘pining for a good man’ feeling which I have had quite a lot over the last few years and which probably attracts abusers and repels good men, because it is coming from a place of ‘self lack’ rather than self love.

I think a lot of what I liked about my ex was that he had achieved things that I hadn’t, even though I have lead a much more interesting, creative life than him and have done lots more travelling, volunteering when he has just worked. He had his own car and house and I felt really impressed by how he had saved and been able to buy these when I have struggled to hold down jobs and as embarassed as I am to admit it I felt incapable of providing these things for myself and felt ‘safe’ with someone who could.

I think I will create a list using your technique and use it to highlight what I can do for myself. I have realised a key thing I struggle with is committment, not just in relationships (I always want to run away) but also in jobs. I think my word this year will be either ‘commitment’ or ‘focus’ because I think if I can do those two things I can start to bring about more positive changes for myself. Commit to and focus on my career goal is my main one as that can help me achieve other goals like financial independence and help me feel better about myself.

I was thinking about what you wrote about taking ourselves on nice solo dates, I definitely seem to struggle with that. I read a similar thing that said when we break up with someone, we miss ‘ourselves as a lover’ ie we miss how we behave when we are in love – wearing nice clothes, nice underwear, going to nice places, treating ourselves. Today I acted like my own ideal partner. We had lovely coffee, listened to jazz, went for a nice sunny walk then tackled some boring but necessary household tasks! I feel tired and would like to have done more fun stuff but it’s a start. I’m going to try doing this more, dating myself, self partnering and like you said, doing everything you can for yourself.

[Tiffany]

That was a big part of my motivation, to be less vulnerable and less needy when it came to men. So that I would only date if the man genuinely made my life better. I totally understand where you are coming from with the house and car thing. I felt the same way for years. My health problems mean that full time work was unattainable for me for years. But I am now looking at other ways I can get that freedom. And the loss of freedom from moving back to my parents has meant I have saved enough to buy a car. I am in that process now and somehow, even more than the better job that makes me feel like I can achieve more than I ever imagined, so I am letting myself dream about a house of my own too. It will have to be tiny – possibly a converted agricultural building. It’ll take years, but I can make it on my own. I believe that you can too.

So glad you tried a date day on your own! Reclaim your power!

[SunshineRainflower]

Still awake thinking about him, it’s so hard for my brain to settle and move on.

Thinking about what you said Tiffany I think I was 50% in love with him (or who I thought he was) and 50% in love with the relationship ‘perks.’ Because I’d been single for years before I met him, and my relationship before him was long distance (4 hours travel between us), it felt LIKE HEAVEN ON EARTH to have found myself a man I liked and thought was cute who apparently wanted to have a relationship with me (rather than just sex) who lived locally, had his own place and his own car. I think I was 50% in love with these perks as crazy as it is, because I’d never had a boyfriend with his own place and I’d previously HATED having to spend so much time with their housemates/friends. It was pure heaven having him all to myself and I also LOVED his house which was clean, spacious, uncluttered, elegant and how he was a really good cook and used to keep on top of his washing up lol (previous exes were rubbish cooks and much less domesticated).

I loved how he wanted to spend so much time with me compared to exes who always wanted to meet up in a group which I don’t enjoy, and how he seemed interested in and asked me lots about my hobbies, and was happy to go to all the places I liked, compared to exes who were disinterested in or mocked my hobbies and would refuse to go walking with me or even get up for breakfast.

Of course a few months in he started to mock me loads and all the rest of the abuse but like all of us I fell for him before he became abusive.

I seem to always date unsuitable men who are pretty similar. I was so desperate for companionship, love, sex, touch, partnership by the time my ex turned up no wonder I fell into his trap, I was a sitting duck.

Not sure how to provide all of these things myself, I really miss the sex and companionship. It’s almost like he knew all the ways my exes had disappointed me and made sure that he appeared to be my ideal partner. I suppose I can focus on all the other things and then when I’ve made more progress I can start dating again. It was easier when I was super depressed and had zero sex drive, if it wasn’t for a sex drive I’d probably just be happy being single for years again. And for whatever reason I often find these (detail removed by moderator) types of men ‘sexy’ which I really need to change as it keeps ending me up in incredibly emotionally painful, dangerous situations.

[Tiffany]

I can see a couple of things that you can work on for yourself in that paragraph. It’s probably a priority anyway in your new place, but you obviously like the space which you live in to be nice and elegant. I know that you are on a tight budget, but fortunately minimalist doesn’t have to be a hugely expensive style! I would work on making your flat into an absolute sanctuary for yourself. I know it is hard in a rented place, but you can do a lot with a few plants, a nice throw over the sofa and maybe some washi-tape highlights on the woodwork. Also keep an eye out for nice curtains in charity shops if you have curtain rails. It can make a real difference to a room and you can often pick nice ones up cheap. Even small things like drawing a nicely decorated sign for your flat door if you are in a stairwell can make a difference.

And you like your place clean. That’s another thing you can do for yourself. You are probably fairly good at it already. But it is a great one for when you are feeling a bit blue. Cleaning is nice and active so the act of doing it can improve your mood as well as the resulting clean house making you feel better. I would try and follow it up with a nice activity in the house once you are done. Like watching a movie or doing some crafting. So it is less like a chore and more like getting the house nice because you deserve to have a nice space for whatever nice activity you are doing.

You appreciated that he was a good cook. Make the effort to cook nice meals for yourself! It is easy to slide into just making easy food when you live on your own. But every once in a while push the boat out and make yourself lasagna or lobster or a three course meal or whatever it is you would really enjoy. You can always freeze the leftovers. Or go out to eat if what you appreciate is someone else doing the cooking. Or treat yourself to a ready meal or a takeaway. Obviously it is a treat not an everyday option, especially on a tight budget, but the same is true while dating.

Finally, you would like someone to do your hobbies with. That’s not solvable on your own, but it would probably be good to try and find people in general to do your hobbies with, rather than looking for a specific man who likes exactly what you like. I would set a mission to try out a few clubs this year, even if they aren’t with the perfect group of people, just so you feel less isolated. A walking group might be good as you shouldn’t end up stuck talking to whoever sits near you as can happen in a craft group. But I would try more or less anything that appeals and comes in on budget.

Definitely put likes walking and some crossover on hobbies on your ideal man list though – it’s a good basis for a relationship. And clean and tidy. Along with lives locally and isn’t abusive! All totally reasonable.

[puzzledatlife]

Hi Sunshine et all, I can relate so well with what you say. I miss him and I love him, and I have decided to do no contact (following which he removed me from his FB friends too). I got all his stuff delivered to him by a male friend of mine. He treated me and my son with abysmal cruelty and I cannot get over that because my head tells me that I would have never done to him and his kids what he has done to me and my kid. However, I was not in love with the idea of a relationship. I loved him, with all his huge problems, with all the mess he had (much of which he created). I truly and deeply loved him and still do. I miss him and our children being all together, and he behaved so cruelly that I can’t even contemplate to discuss constructively how our children can continue to see each other or how I can continue to see his child (who lived with me for a whole year and probably more). I don’t love the idea, I love him, but he has crossed any line of decency towards me and the kids and couldn’t take him back. He is not physically abusive; he never raised a hand. But he is very, very unstable. The kindest, most selfless loving man I have ever met, and then he cracks and disappears; once he moved out taking all his stuff and his child’s stuff while I was away on a weekend, just leaving me an email of “I am sorry”; because of personal problems he cracked, he decided he was better off dealing with them alone and went. Without a word. Left my kid, who called him dad, without one single word.
I took him back and he disappeared again when he cracked before Christmas for other personal problems and left me and my son alone for Christmas in this country that is not ours and away from my family.
It is very, very hard to reconcile the two sides, because in my view they are both true. SOmeone says: one is a mask and the true him is the emotionally abusive. For me the other is also true. He is a messy incapable man and I loved him the way he was. I just can’t allow him to treat us this way.

Anyway: I see your resolutions and they look very good. For me, one of the big pains of this is that the children have been literally eradicated from me and from one another overnight without a single word. So I am trying to get legal advice because I want to request contacts with his child without his involvement and also request existential damages for me and on their behalf for child cruelty. That will probably be hard because we were a ‘blended’ family; we did not get married and I didn’t have parental responsibilities. But the jurisprudence has a void there. There are millions of blended families like mine in the world; it is not right that one can bring kids in and out of other families and break bonds because we are nothing at law. It is going to be a tough one, but I will try to go to a drop in legal advice centre on Friday. This will be my way of easing off the pain. If I can do what I think is right by the kids and can see the little one that would console and reassure me a little. Maybe I am crazy.

[IrisAtwood]

Hi Sunshine,
I’ve just come onto the site having been in tears again because of how much I miss my ex and this thread is one that I was drawn to.
It is such a horrible feeling. I just want the nice guy and I really did/do love him. I have this whole explanation in my head about why he is abusive and about how I can prevent it/change it. I grew up with abuse and there is some research that says it is harder for people with a childhood history to leave abusive relationships. I also tend to blame myself for things and feel a lot of self hatred at times. I wish that I wasn’t like this and had some self respect – sometimes I even tell myself that he was so horrible to me because I didn’t have enough self respect and so it was really my fault. If I had set boundaries he would have been different.
When I am rational I know that this is crazy thinking – especially wanting him back. All the research tells me that if you stay with an abusive man you end up hating him and resenting him as well as the damage to your mental health. Having a nice house, a nice ‘lifestyle’ means nothing when you are anxious, depressed and lacking any sense of self worth.
I know that the man that I fell in love only existed in my own head. I expect that the same is true for you too and that is another reason that it is hard to get over. Replacing the fantasy with the reality is essential and that is why I switch to remembering an episode of abuse whenever I start fantasizing about the good times.

[IrisAtwood]

Hi Tiffany,
Your post is really, really helpful. I’ve felt quite down, lonely and hopeless today but your suggestions have made me feel a lot more optimistic about how to change things.
Thank you.

[Tiffany]

So glad it helped you feel optimistic. I slid into the most dreadful sloughs of pessimism when. I was with my abuser. I was starting to think that that was my personality. I am very glad to discover that it isn’t. Now I have been single for a bit my natural optimism has resurfaced and life is really pretty good.

[puzzledatlife]

I don’t know how you girls manage to find this clarity. For me it is all fuzzy. He is the same man, I just keep asking whether he is mentally ill that he didn’t tell me he is taking some stuff. I can’t believe it was all lie and all the nice stuff was nothing. Kept saying what a wonderful mother and role model I was for his girls then took them away (only one was living with us but still). I feel I am literally going crazy. Feel like I have been in a car accident and half my family is dead.

[Tiffany]

The clarity comes mostly through time. My ex actually did have mental health problems. Which he played up to gain sympathy. It’s part of the reason I stayed so long with him. He was suffering trauma from his own abusive past. But ultimately he had no desire to work on this or improve it. He started seeking help only when I was ready to leave because things were so bad, and I have no doubt that he only did this because he thought it was the only way to stop me leaving, not because he genuinely desired to change. There were also subtle patterns to his outbursts, designed to knock my confidence – and they couldn’t be coincidental. He would pick something I had told him months to years previously that I was insecure about, then build on my insecurities. That’s abuse not mental health issues. He also lied to me consistently so I would think I was going mad, again, definitely abuse. And he hit me and smothered me on multiple occasions in the (detail removed by Moderator), then pretended that I was imagining it. Once I realised that my memory was fine and I wasn’t imagining these events that was the final blow of certainty for me. Obviously this will vary from person to person. Some people have one definite incident, but when they read up on abuse they realise that their partner had acted in a way which should have raised red flags. For others it’s just a slow realisation of small incidents which build up to their being controlled. I had a bit of both. Either way clarity comes with time – and much more quickly and easily when you are no-contact with your abuser, and education. This site is great for the education side, but there are also some great books, YouTube videos out there if you are looking for more.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

I can relate to so much of this 🙁 I too went through the stage of wondering where it all went wrong. I used to drive myself crazy going over month after month after month analysing my every action wondering what triggered him to change from this perfect man into someone horrible and abusive. But the more I went over it the more I realised it was all an act and that he was in fact manipulative and sly from the very start of our relationship. Trying to tell me what to wear, the jealousy, the bad moods he would go in for no reason, obsessing over how many people I’d slept with before meeting him. I was fooled into thinking all that came from him being insecure and him fearing he may lose me. I found it endearing. Why would I not see these red flags?? I had never been with someone who was really abusive before so I guess I must just have not of known. He was very clever with the early on manipulation too which o suppose it is why it took me so long to realise that he hadn’t “changed” but in fact he was horrible the whole time. I would cry and beg him to go back to the old nice version of himself. I tried everything, I tried to replicate scenes and settings of how things were when we first got together in the hope that he would become nice again and be back to his “old self” It broke my heart and I couldn’t understand why he was being so horrible all the time. I started to realise what he was doing was abuse but I still clung to the hope he would go back to being the perfect lovely man who made me happy, not sad all the time. I remember the exact time I finally realised he was never going to go “back” to being the nice guy because it was all an act. He was never nice, he just hid his true colours until he was secure in the fact I wasn’t going to leave him then he let the real him show. When I realised that, I think I got closure. It was so hard that the person I had loved and that had given me a family had actually tricked me and lied to me for such a long time. Our relationship did not seem real anymore. All the good times were a lie, an act, a con. It took me a long time to get over that but I stopped hoping, I stopped trying to bring back someone that never really existed. Now I barely remember him being anything other than abusive, the fake “good times” are like a distant memory, one that I rarely think about. I don’t feel happy when I think of them anymore because they weren’t real, he destroyed them because all I have is the real him now, the abusive, spiteful him. He’s said and done too many things to make me hold any memories of him in a good light. And believe it or not that does help me a lot. It’s very odd but now I have accepted he is a lying abuser it has made me forget the good times and to be honest I think nostalgia kicks in and tricks us into thinking these good memories were a lot better than they actually were. I hope you find your closure soon Sunshinerainflower xx (sorry for the long post!)

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks for your replies everyone, I’m glad this thread resonated with people’s own experiences and has been helpful.

Unfortunately I continue to struggle with this every day.

I am trying to just accept that I am struggling with this at the moment and not to try to force the healing. Hopefully in time I will get over him and the dust will settle.

A few years before I met him him, I had fallen out with and lost my best friend. The relationship was with a woman and purely platonic, but I found that when we stopped speaking, I went through a grieving process, because we had talked every day and she had provided me with so much emotional support. I remember thinking that I didn’t really need a partner when I had such a good friend like her, so losing her was very painful and quite traumatic because I was also good friends with her family and used to visit them a lot, and I socialised in a group with her friends, and I lost all of these people when I fell out with her which felt terrible. It took me about 3 years to stop missing her a lot, and I think finding my ex made me forget about losing her because he filled the void left by her emotional support and friendship. I still feel sad about losing that friend, but I don’t think about her every day, I would just like to make some new friends because losing these people has left a definite void in my life despite the fact that I am introverted and happy alone most of the time.

So I am thinking that the same thing will probably happen with him, that it will just take a long time to get over, and would be helped if I made some good friends to talk to and socialise with and rebuild my life, if I can motivate myself to actually socialise again, which I generally don’t want to do anymore because I have struggled to connect with people recently, I think I just feel too exhausted and cynical about people.

I also wonder if perhaps the subtlety of my ex’s abuse, the fact that I left before things escalated, and the fact that he gaslighted me a lot have left a confused sort of haunted feeling in my mind. For example, I feel like a fraud calling him ‘my abuser’ because I think of all the women who are with these men for decades getting beaten up repeatedly, and that didn’t happen to me at all, I was only with him a short time and the abuse was mostly emotional and sometimes I feel silly thinking I was abused at all, like a silly girl just wanting attention?

I am haunted by things like his jokes, the way he showed me some thing in the boot of his car that looked like they could be used to bury a body, and how he made a point of showing me before saying it was ‘just for gardening.’ The way he was always trying to get me to go down to his cellar, makes me wonder was he planning to hurt me? The way that he put his hands around my neck in bed but for some reason I only remembered this days after it happened, like in a strange sort of dream/flashback, and how he angrily denied it ever happened when I asked if he wouldn’t mind not doing it again. The last time I saw him (which made me decide to end things) he spent hours getting irate with me over a question I’d asked. I was trying to resolve the issue but he seemed to get sort of energised with this frightening gleeful look in his eyes, and refused to agree on any solution to the discussion and I started to feel really scared like I needed to get out of his house. It was like he was delibrately trying to cause and continue an argument, like he was enjoying hurting me emotionally and seeing me cower away in fear. I said he was hostile and he said that I was hostile because I was cowered away, then he raised his hand and sort of threatened me saying he couldn’t predict how he’d react to things I said. There was lots of other small things like ‘jokes’ about what I ate, subtle put downs about my body, being rough with my body bruising me then saying that I must ‘bruise easily’ like the bruises were my fault, hypersensitivity to any perceived criticism, making me text him every day, timing me on my journey home, lying about things, and I found suggestions that he was cheating. But there was very little ‘solid proof’ and I was the only witness and my memories are haunting and confusing and disturbing. I feel very lucky that I got away from him early but on the other hand it makes me question everything too.

And how on top of all these memories, my brain or heart or whatever it is still can’t quite let go of the early memories of him being ‘so lovely.’ It feels so cruel that after years of dating disappointments, I felt so hopeful and excited and happy with him, and how it was all fake. Like I finally got the love and committment I had been seeking for it to be ripped away from me, by the very man who gave me the hope in the first place. It makes me feel sick to think that he was just grooming me when I 100% believed I’d met a nice guy and was in this totally normal relationship!!!!!

It’s also really confusing that this was a man who was much keener on me than I on him, and I gave him a chance, only for him to turn round and abuse me, it really messes with my head. It was like an awful terrible twist in the tale that I never saw coming.

It is so strange to remember someone as two distinct people. I think I fear the void if I let go of ‘nice him’ because it’s so awful to think the nice boyfriend I thought I had was never real, it makes me feel sick, like I am living in the twilight zone.

[IrisAtwood]

You haven’t got to let go of the nice memories to recover. The only thing is that if we have trauma bonded, in the beginning of this process of leaving, we have to reinforce our memories of the abuse to keep ourselves safe. The reality is more complex, but allowing ourselves to think about the good times can increase the pull to return and prolong the pain. But we do have to mourn what we have lost and we have lost some nice experiences.

Very few people (if any) are totally bad. He really isn’t two different people. Even abusers have decent parts to their personalities. Like my ex yours had an abusive streak. That’s the bit that I struggle with, that he could be so lovely and yet so cruel at times. It really upsets me that if he hadn’t had that streak we could have been so happy. The fact is that he did, so it was never going to be OK and as my therapist discussed with me, he will have treated his previous girlfriends the same way and will be the same with any woman he gets involved with. I expect the same is true of your ex too.

[Serenity]

Hi Sunshine,

I can really identify with you. As you know, I also think my ex was planning to get rid of me. Our trip to a remote place didn’t quite work out as he planned. Weirdly, we bumped into people we knew there. It was as if fate was protecting me.

I too have struggled to overcome this reality. I really was sleeping with the enemy. I believe I married a psychopath. He walks all over people, all the time, using them for his own ends. His mind is always working overtime, plotting schemes to dupe people. Those who tell him ‘no’ become his enemies.

The thought that I slept next to this man every night fills me with terror. I was inches away from real human evil.

But I feel that fate took a hand in my deliverance. I was rescued somehow.

I think when you have been that near to human evil, to someone so morally sick, it really affects you. You’ve seen the very worst of humanity.

But I keep reminding myself that he was the very worst of humanity. There are many people who can be seen as good. It’s those people we must surround ourselves with. I think our experience has helped us to decipher who is a perpetrator – or at least, we are more aware than before.

We can’t help those people. Gone are the days when I spent all my energy trying to rescue those kinds of people. They must do it for themselves. I think we have earned our right to a peaceful life where we can enjoy ourselves and stay away from drama. x

[Author]

Posts