Brave courageous women

[Halfofmyself]

I am at the beginning of the realisation of what my life has become.
I still am unsure of what I have been going through, if i’m over exaggerating, i don’t know if i can believe my own thoughts to be my true life.

I am sorry if I sound troubled and confused because that is where I am at right now. I get lost in my own thought process and tbh I give myself headaches with the actual amount of ‘stuff’ that going through my tired, bombarded brain.

Am I ready to believe what people are saying whats going in my own life?
Am I at fault in any way for whats been going on?
Have I got the bravery that the women have throughout this forum?- Im not sure I have, but one things for certain I know that my 3 beautiful and absolutely amazing children don’t not deserve the daily/weekly/monthly torment that I let happen. I used to be a strong, independent mummy that was the best mummy in the whole wide world (in my children’s eyes anyway!), I now feel half of myself.
I used to be a confident, fiery female- now part of me is missing because im scared to have my own opinion just incase it conflicts with his. I analyze my steps before I step then I reanalyze once ive stepped….just incase. Do I pick up my phone?Do I put it down if he sees my on it? or does that make me look guilty of something. Do I go on my laptop? do I tell him what I’m doing on it, or does that make me look guilty of it too? I analyze what Im going to say before I say it, I now analyze my own thoughts… just incase.I am soooo tired.

This is the back ground.
I hold my hands up- I cheated on him, no excuses.
But he doesn’t realise that the build up to the physical abuse that occurred after me doing this started way before… the metal side started way before me cheating on my family. Im not going to say some information, just ‘incase’.
I got accused of cheated years before this, people would ring the house phone, he would call them back. he would search through my phone, call me vulgar names in front of my children… the usual onslaught, s**g, w***e, etc, etc-
Honestly I think we used alcohol as an escape, and I have used cocaine as an escape- it doesn’t help you escape- it exacerbate the situation. I was not a heavy user of cocaine but it did get a little worse at the times of me being depressed- i have been clean for (detail removed by moderator) and its not something I will be participating in again-for the sake of my children.
The blowing hot and cold send my mind into a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions and I think the worrying constantly is making me look guilty of just breathing.
I I have to scream ‘I haven’t done anything’ one more time I think I will go mad.
He’d known for a year about my infidelity which broke him, but he’d made my life a misery in the process… I will never forgive myself for what Ive done to my family, but he still thinks that the children deserved to know- they were all very young under 10 and in my opinion far to young to understand, especially as he decided that he wanted to try and forgive me. I was a broken women on the verge of a brake down and he made me tell them what I had done as I was sobbing my heart out.
He has opened my mail and gone through my mail and found out that I owe money on my store card, and he flipped.
He has smashed numerous phones of mine.
He has gone through the dirty washing and my used underwear.
He goes through my clothes in the wardrobe
I’ve been strangled and lifted into the air then thrown to the ground.
I’ve been cowering in the corner of a room.
I’ve been cowering on the stairs protecting my youngest from seeing his ‘pitbull’ face, sweating and screaming at me.
Ive been slapped across the face and have had bruises.
I’ve had my nose broken and eyes blackened.
For some reason the mental abuse effects me more and I still ask myself ‘do i deserve it’?

My children are my absolute world- and im failing them.

[KIP.]

What your suffering is horrendous domestic abuse and violence. It’s illegal and there is zero justification. The trauma you’re suffering means your judgment is extremely broken. You must ring the helpline number on here or contact your local women’s aid. Better still ring the police. Yes the mental torture is much worse and longer lasting. Talk to your GP. Talk to the domestic abuse police. He would abuse you even if you had been faithful. They just change the goal posts or invent something. To abuse you in front of your children is child abuse. Reach out.speak up. He’s very dangerous so don’t let him know what you’re doing.

[KIP.]

Google the cycle of abuse. Cognitive dissonance. Gaslighting. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Keep trying the helpline number on here. Abuse makes us feel crazy. Abusers twist everything so we come away feeling even more confused. He chooses to behave this way and knows exactly what he’s doing. Threats of suicide are very common. Mine did this too. It’s a form of control. The FOG of abuse we are in comes from Fear Obligation and Guilt. He’s not your responsibility. Your children will also be very badly affected by exposure to abuse and are more likely to be abused or abuse later in life. You can stop this and get help for them and you. Just speak up safely x grab the help.

[Halfofmyself]

Thank you KIP, I know exactly what I need to do for my children’s sake.
Im living with my parents at the moment with my bambinos and they couldn’t be more supportive.I finally took the step of telling them the whole truth and i felt that a little weight had been lifted. Im Finally trying to admit to myself that I’m not deserving of this treatment.
We used to be so happy and I think I’ve been clinging on to the hope he will go back to his old self, I’ve been hanging onto that for (detail removed by moderator) with no luck.
I totally agree with you on the changing the goal posts…and he did try to commit suicide twice, after I had to call the police on him. For which I was guilt tripped for and called a grass for calling them. From the outside we look like the perfect family, its just such a shame that looks are deceiving.

Thank you so much for you advice KIP, Im in need of alot of it at the moment! I am going to take the advice on going to the GP and calling the helplines. I know in the end the police need to be called but im scared…I know one thing, I will never ever put my beautiful children through this ever again. I’m so annoyed that I’ve contributed to the neglect of my babies, how could I of let it get so bad.

[KIP.]

Abusers are cunning and manipulative. We are traumatised and vulnerable. Please don’t ever blame yourself. Sounds like you’re taking steps to get you all safe. Please keep a journal of his behaviour and any evidence you have. Zero contact is the way forward. If he tries to come near you the please ring the police. He is a very dangerous man and this is the most dangerous time for you. Speak to the domestic abuse police. You need to get this reported as it will help if he tries to get custody of the children. You need to prepare yourself. I’m so glad you have support. It’s going to take time for you to come to terms with what’s happened. Good counselling too. Well done for getting out. Please ring the police should he come near. Don’t trust a word he says. If he threatens suicide then ring an ambulance for him. He’s not your responsibility. I’d block his number too x

[Author]

Posts