Breaking completely free….

[Frenchie1]

Hi all, I’m new here and would appreciate some advice. Both legal and personal advice would be welcome.

So I left my abusive ex (detail removed by moderator) and got my own place with our two children. I’ve only really noticed until now that he’s still continuing to control me and regularly turns up at my house claiming he’s coming to see the children and texts and calls me late at night. During our relationship he was both emotionally, financially and occasionally physically abusive. I made my decision to get out when he started to get more physical and it scared me so much I decided I had to leave.

Since I left he’s been as nice as anything and I feel like I have to tolerate him because if not he won’t pay maintenance for our children and probably through fear of him smashing my windows etc.

I have recently met someone (detail removed by moderator). I care for this person deeply and I know it’s genuinely reciprocated. We spend time together when my ex has the children (detail removed by moderator) or rather his mum most times!!  (Detail removed by moderator) I got home ready for my children returning, my ex looked very angry and started questioning me about where I’d been. I told him (detail removed by moderator) . I’m not sure what happened but he snapped and grabbed (detail removed by moderator) and threw my things all over the garden breaking it all and then (detail removed by moderator) and smashing it. I was very scared so quickly went inside and locked my doors. He tried to come back (detail removed by moderator)  but I didn’t answer my door. He has since (detail removed by moderator). I just see the same patterns of control repeating itself and I’m feeling very deflated. I’m not sure I’ll ever be fully free unless i take drastic action and then he’ll refuse to pay maintenance for the children and I’ll be looking over my shoulder constantly. I genuinely can’t live like this anymore. I feel like I’m trapped in a cage and can’t get out or even think for myself. All I want is to be in a happy loving relationship with a normal person, but seems like it’s not meant to be. I put with many years of abuse off my ex and really didn’t know it was abuse until I started to feel really depressed most days. I really could do with any type of advice. I’m just not sure what to do anymore.

[KIP.]

Contact your local women’s aid and the child maintenance authority for advice. Rights of Women offer free legal advice over a helpline but most solicitors will offer free initial consultation so write down the questions you have. I’d also speak to the police and report the incident. You have time to do your research first and see where you will stand financially and if he can be forced to pay or have maintenance deducted from his pay. He’s never ever going to be reasonable and he’s dangerous and is showing all the signs of escalating violence and you are right to be scared. He should no longer be allowed near your property. And you shouldn’t be alone when you meet. That outburst could be enough to stop contact with the children so get some advice on that too. Can you survive without his child maintenance. Are there benefits available meantime? He has no right to be in your life and will always use the children to get to you. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline to talk to someone x

[Anonymous]

Hi Frenchie1,

I’m sorry you are going through this. He sounds terrifying.
KIP. gave very good advice.
There is also something called Parental Responsibility. I will paste something from the gov.uk website.

If you have parental responsibility, your most important roles are to:

provide a home for the child
protect and maintain the child

I had a similar situation to yours after I separated with my ex coming into my home daily to visit the children and having a violent episode. Plus he continued with his control and abuse.
The outburst your ex had should entitle you to a non molestation order. The NCDV can help you with the paperwork over the phone for free if it happened within the last 10 days. I think it’s 10 days. Anything threatening within the last 10 days. Can be messages, or showing up at the house if you asked him not to.
I was advised that I could practice ‘Parental Responsibility’ if I felt there was a risk to my children in their father’s care, and I could stop the contact to ‘protect’ them. My mistake was not doing this. When they said if I felt they were unsafe gave me to impression they didn’t feel that way, and after going through years of gaslighting and minimising I had no ability to be able to practice this on my own without support. Also, we had social workers who did not believe my side and said my ex was an amazing father and there were no safeguarding concerns. I really felt I had no leg to stand on to try to protect my children. I was also afraid my ex would accuse me of parental alienation.
Please keep record of incidents with dates. For some reason they will disregard any incidents that don’t have dates. Also, if he has ever harmed the children physically, report this. Please seek legal advice to help you.
You have every right and reasons to stop contact to protect your children from this man.
We just get the option to protect our children taken away from us by abusive partners.
We are the only ones who can fight to keep our children safe. And to keep them safe you need to protect yourself.
Best wishes! xx

[Anonymous]

The book ‘When Dad Hurts Mom’ by Lundy Bancfroft also has a section about legal proceedings against an abusive man. Maybe this will be helpful for you. The whole book is really good.

[Living Warrior]

I could of written this my self, I ended up getting legal advice after speaking to my local womens aid.
Texts and calls and (detail removed by moderator) became a frequent addition to my day aswell as constant asking what I was doing when he came to collect kids, dumping kids with relatives and following me when he was supposed to be having his contact time.
I had to get a non molestation order to stop his being near the house and contacting me, courts suggested contact about childcare only, but then he started to use kids as a way to get me to reply. So my solicitor stopped all contact. I have a prohibited steps order which states I am the sole carer and he cannot remove kids from my care or others like school and friends without my permission. And currently going through family court for contact.
These men use everything to their advantage and rarely give a toss about kids, they are just pawns in the long game.. stopping all contact and keeping a log of the incidents including copies of texts, calls screenshot etc.. things sadly usually escalated when they feel they are losing control so seeing other people can spark more incidents, so just be wary and report everything no matter how small to police.

U cannot go into detail but reporting everything is extremely important as u get a reference number to quote and this shows escalation. Proof that they cannot wiggle out of.. ud be surprised how the little things build a huge picture later on.

Please stay safe, get support and report things.

[Living Warrior]

If u look at my profile at the forums I started there is a list of things u may find useful.

[Author]

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