Breaking the cycle for good…

[Winterblues2]

I’ve been out for a year and love no contact. Court are dealing with child contact and the finances/ divorce. Due to the non mol he can only communicate with me via my solicitor.

This is great and I no longer emotionally or physically react to any of his attempts to abuse or control me.

So where does this end? He will always be an abuser so his behaviour will never change, I accept that. We have young children so there will always be a means for indirect contact through them (him passion messages and emotionally abusibg them) but I have moved on completely from him.

Will it always be an ongoing (one sided) battle or once he realises that I haven’t given him he reaction he wants for an extended period will he just find someone else to abuse?

[Serenity]

Hi Winterblues,

I know what you mean. My injunction against him has expired, but I told the court I didn’t want future contact with him.

He communicates mainly via the children or sometimes ( rarely ) my mum. But he still tries to get to me through the kids, and tries to get me to go near him.

I hold fast and am determined to refuse any contact. Even the tiniest contact is highly abusive.

All I can say is, no contact will become the norm. Your kids will get used to making arrangements with him and running it past you, and your need to be involved will lessen. As you build your identity without him, he will not look so large in your psyche. He will seem smaller.

X*x

[Winterblues2]

Thank you for your reply serenity.

To be honest I care so little about his reaction to things these days that short of him being very agressive physically or verbally (which I doubt he would dare try now that I have unmovingly stood up to him) I don’t think he really effects directly.

If he returns the kids 10 minutes late or doesn’t do their washing after contact I now just think ‘if that’s the worst he can throw at me’ and don’t think twice about it. He will be expecting that I get upset or similar but frankly if that is the only way he can get his kicks then he has a very sad little life.

He is set to lose his job, have child contact reduced, be bought out of the house, get divorced and potentially go to prison for contempt of court this year, so realistically 10 minutes late or a muddy t-shirt is hardly an issue!

[White Rose]

Oh god the washing after contact used to drive me mad!!!! The number of nights I’d be washing a blouse for school the next day as he’s sent the weeks wash back not done GRRRRRR. He had the tumble drier too. I got wise in the end and kept a blouse back, so at least I wasn’t stressing over that. Sounds really petty now but it was quite a thing at the time as it was always coupled with bigger issues and blame.
No contact is the only way – it does get easier and as your children grow they may make their own decisions regarding contact with him – mine has. Mind you that doesn’t stop her dad asking all the time if she wants to go/do x,y or z with him. The reply goes “thanks for the message but I don’t want to” and we get peace and quiet for a couple of weeks.
Roll on final settlement/transfer of finances and decree absolute I can’t wait…. but I expect I will be forced wait longer again by more delaying tactics.

[Winterblues2]

Yep, I just make sure I have spare everything and then email calmly with anything that’s he kept eg. Shoes. And copy my solicitor in.

With regard to finances etc. I am obviously expecting he will delay as much as possible but once he loses his job he won’t be able to contest too much anyway as he wont be able to afford to buy me out of the house.

In fact he will probably be desperate to get his share as he’s been living with his mother (who he hates) for over (detail removed by moderator) now and will want out asap!!

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