Broke the "No Contact" rule…

[Grenache]

But I don’t want to go back to him, it just made me sad. Maybe it’s just because of the holidays but it’s hard to see people together and happy while I’m potentially getting a divorce at a young age.

So I went back to our place to talk to him, see if there was any sign he was serious about changing but he keeps saying the same thing, that he just wants me to come back. It has been half a year since I moved out and I haven’t seen a tear from him yet. I truly feel he never even loved me. He should have been begging for forgiveness at my door every day. Also, he was very touchy in a way that made me uncomfortable. It wasn’t loving, more like he’s just asking for forgiveness because he’s horny :/ He must have never loved me if he can’t even fake genuine regret to get me to come back.

I’m finding it very difficult now because I’m in such an unsure place in my life right now. I’m applying to school and I have no idea if I’ll get in or not. It’ll be 3 or more months until I find out and I have a part time job now but I want a full time one. Problem is, many of them are contracted and if I get into school, then what? My parents aren’t doing great financially as well, since both of them are past retirement age and the house isn’t paid off. I’ve been applying but no one has given me an interview. In that sense, that would be a burden off my head if I go back to him.

Anyway, I wasn’t so sad for the longest time but it’s hitting me now. Is that a sign it’s really over?

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hi there. Your situation sounds like mine. I too am getting divorced at a young age but it doesn’t matter because you would rather be divorced at a young age than be married in an unhappy marriage which you cannot get out of. It’s natural to feel like that at this time of year I miss him a lot but I’ve managed to get this far with no contact I don’t think there are any words I could say if I did contact him because I know exactly what he is now. Apply for full time work if that’s what you want and worry about school when you get to that point. You are doing exactly what I do and that’s worrying and covering every eventuality. Just focus on what you have in front of you now. You’ve done so well making this step and I hate to break it to you but he will not change. Mine didn’t shed a tear either and I fought to marry him and he just let me walk away. The best thing you can do for your health and your wellbeing is to try and give up on him. He’s damaged he is not going to change he isn’t what you thought he was and he can never give you the life he promised you. Best thing you can do right now is focus on yourself and your goals that’s what I have tried to do and I am continuing to do. Sending you lots of hugs and love xxxx

[lover of no contact]

Hi girls,

I wish I’d seen what was going on and how I was being treated so early on in my marriage instead of staying married for well over a decade. That decade and a half I was married to him damaged me so much and caused a lot of pain and damage to our lots of children we had.

I wish I’d known what you know now (I was in deep denial). I wish I could have left after the honeymoon when his abuse was apparent (but I didn’t see it for what it was then).

Anyway it was not meant to be for me. But what a waste of years being with a man who didn’t love or cherish me but was actively setting out to hurt me, deceive me and damage me and our precious, innocent children on a daily basis.

Please stay out of your abusive relationship. Don’t go back. Don’t waste your precious years of youth with an abusive waste of space.

Your new man who treats you like a queen will be glad you didn’t go back into your abusive relationship. Don’t step back into the cycle of abuse.

[Serenity]

Hi Grenache,

I dearly wish I had left him in the second year of marriage, like I was considering- instead of staying for (detail removed by moderator) decades.

I know getting divorced young has its own difficulties ( maybe you wonder whether you are opting out too easily, that you’re imaging it overreacting to problems, maybe one might even worry that it looks bad or it feels bad to have a short marriage, etc) but I can tell you that it’s heartbreaking to stay and then look back on how you sacrificed so much of your life and allowed the abuse to continue and for the abuser to brainwash you for so long. And staying damages you so much.

I wish I could have that time back again. But he stole it, and it’s going to take all my strength to return to health and productivity. I’m much improved, but the longer you are in abuse, the more it becomes part of your make-up.

I think that we should forget what that nagging voice in our head or what others or society tells us about what we ‘should’ or ‘ought’ to do. We only have one life, and O think we need to listen to our gut and follow it to be happy. It’s hard, I know, because abusers confuse us so much and there are societal pressures to live our lives in a certain way, but I think we owe it to ourselves to be self-protective and to honour ourselves by keeping ourselves safe and doing what makes up happy and feel like we are being true to ourselves and living out our purpose. Being abused is no ones life purpose.

Separating might cause you financial hardship and lack of security on some level, and you might have to live with that uncertainty for a while, but that insecurity is far better than living as a prisoner in an abusive relationship, which is like being slowly boiled to death.

I think when we are brave enough to follow our gut, opportunities we never imagined show themselves, but, ironically, often only after we tell that brave leap.

In a sense, we can help ourselves by trying to think of getting out as some brave adventure: in some ways it’s very tough, but we will
open ourselves up to a life of freedom and opportunity which our abuser would never have allowed us. Being with an abuser is a killer.

I would trust your gut: if you think his apologies are hollow and that he has another agenda, he probably has. We are all too genuine to have our lives spoilt by someone fake or manipulative.

Hugs X

[Grenache]

Thank you all for the support once again. Sometimes you just need to hear what you already know. These messages are so amazing, I’m going to save them for when I need them. You all make me cry! Thank you for sharing your experiences.

[Missssy]

Hi ladies, i am new here. I didn’t want to start my own thread so sorry for just crashing on this one..
i left my partner (detail removed by moderator) after (detail removed by moderator) and a newborn baby together. He assaulted me (not for the first time, he has actually done pretty horrendous things to me throughout our time together, before pregnancy, escalation during pregnancy,without going into too much detail, this was including threatening to stab me and abort our baby) constant emotional and psychological abuse. Anyway, i tried to be civilised with regards to him seeing our son, so we causally arranged a day of contact during which his mother was supposed to be present. he refused this once he had our son, and then tried to not give him back on time saying ‘he had the power now that he had our son’ so of course police were involved, i hadn’t reported his assaults at this time because i still felt very protective towards him. I have since blocked his and his family members’ numbers, changed my number, and reported him to the police. he was arrested and bailed, and his conditions are to not contact me. i really don’t mean to sound stupid as i know i have made it pretty hard for him to get in touch, and he is very much about self preservation, but i really wish i could speak to him. in fact, i wish he would try and contact me. it’s almost like i need validation that he still wants to salvage the relationship. i won’t be going back because it was miserable and i didn’t ever feel at ease, but I feel completely rejected by the fact that he hasn’t made any effort to reach me, even to just say sorry or anything. I don’t know if he will now hate me for reporting him, or if it might make him see that what he’s been doing is of course wrong, and inspire him to change?

Sorry i have completely rambled on here but i get really emotional and i’m all over the place. thanks for your time.

[Missssy]

Sorry just another note to add – I posted on this thread in particular because I am struggling with the no contact – or lack of trying on his part.I am fully aware of how much he does NOT want to be involved with the police for this, because after the incident with my son, he begged me not to tell the police everything he has done. Even though almost everything he did was designed to hurt me and break me down (friends and family of mine believe he might actually be incapable of love or remorse, similar to a psycho or sociopath) it just makes me feel even more worthless that he hasn’t made any kind of effort to get in touch with me. i’m so sorry for sounding so pathetic, i just haven’t stopped loving this person yet and there is not a day that goes by without me crying or blaming myself. Does he not feel like he has lost anything? I bent over backwards for this person and constantly put their happiness before my own as I’m sure you ladies have also done 🙁

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hey Missy, welcome. I guess you’re in a tough place right now but No Contact is the only way to go.

Have you heard of “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft or “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven? Both will help you get your head around things a bit.

Well done for going NC so far. You’re doing the right thing for yourself and your child xx

[Grenache]

Missy, I understand how you feel to an extent because I was really, deeply sad when I realized he doesn’t really love me. I wondered why he wasn’t fighting for me and it really upset me. I wanted him to be trying to fix things every day, beg for forgiveness etc. because some real remorse might have been really good. But in the end it’s good he is showing his true colours so I don’t get sucked back in. And it’s not us, maybe abusers are incapable of loving relationships, who knows?

[Missssy]

Hi ENM, thank you for your response! I feel pretty silly for gushing about him now to be honest, I have actually just read ‘Why Does He Do That?’ which has totally opened my eyes to the behaviours and things I was subjected to.. it’s just that I am struggling to understand that someone I was with and had a child with could literally feel no remorse for anything he has done to me. Of course he has denied everything to the police which I was expecting but it just makes me feel like I don’t matter at all – some of the things he did were very dark and nasty, and I am having a hard time accepting everything and getting my emotions in check. Thank you for your support, I hope you are well xx

[Recovery]

Hi
Similar situation. I got married to an abuser too. On our (detail removed by Moderator) anniversary last month he threatened to divorce me (all games). I left his place (detail removed by Moderator) ago due to nervous break down. He was always abusive and manipulative from day one of dating but very CharMing, loving etc at the same time. I didn’t want to see the signes of his bad childhood, negativity, name calling, swearing, demeaning, blames. Married him thinking with my positiveness he would change. Wrong!!!! He got worse. He swore at me 3 times on our honeymoon and shouted at me at a dinner table out of blue. All is my fault. He takes no blame or apologizes until you point it out to him. If I didn’t leave home for a few days I’d never realize the abuse. Verbal and mental abuse continued. Now from readings, counseling and friends I know where I stand and will take my life back. Being married less than (detail removed by Moderator) to divorce is hurting a lot. He now tells me he will do anything to get me back. He will Get therapy and all. Not sure what to do yet. Feeling guilty of leaving. (detail removed by Moderator).him and his family are using this against me to make me feel bad and guilty.im husband deserter righ now. But they don’t want to see that the reason is not (detail removed by Moderator) its abuse. I gave up justifying myself. Now focused on getting my power back and move on. Don’t believe they’d ever change. But we can change ourselves to be strong, improve self awareness, read, look after ourselves as our well being is the most important thing.

[Grenache]

Hi Recovery,

Mine is the same, lots of verbal/emotional abuse and manipulation until he was almost physically abusive. He is also telling me he is so sorry, hurting without me and is willing to get counselling. But there are subtle cues it’s a lie. First he said he will get counselling if it really means that much to me (not because it is what is needed) and he said he will apologize to my family for what he said about them if it means that much to me (not because it is the right thing to do). He is sending old pictures of us etc. just so manipulative. Don’t fall for anything your husband says. I’m glad you’re as determined to move on as I am. He is even trying to bribe me with a vacation…it’s like he doesn’t get it at all.

[Musicalmad]

I am in such a similar situation to Grenache and I’d never realised before reading her post that my husband has also not cried at all! It never even occurred to me. Im crying buckets and feeling sorry for him and he is not even bothered (as he says he is sorry). I left after my (detail removed by Moderator) of marriage. All my friends and family are telling me to give him a chance as his father is very ill and could die at any moment. They dont seem to hear that he assaulted me and I am scared to go back. Greneche, Im still not knowledgeable enough about abuse myself but all I can say is I understand how you feel as on our wedding day I truely believed he loved me and now he isnt even sorry. We will be ok. We are not abusers and deserve to be free

[Grenache]

Yes, Musicalmad, I hope we can both stay strong <3

But then we can always help each other 🙂

[White Rose]

Mine never cried. I think they either do profusely and beg to get us back so they can continue to abuse us, or they are just emotionless and have used us till we’re past use any more and are ready for the next victim.
My daughter told me mine was on dating websites less than (detail removed by Moderator) after we separated so he clearly wasn’t going to weep for me after a significant number of years of marriage.
If you’re recognising abuse now then believe it and walk away. Don’t waste years of your lives suffering and don’t try to justify his behaviour or make excuses for it, just get away xxxx

[Author]

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