Broken

[Hokeypokey]

Hi I’m new. Just need to get this out of my mind, which is going many directions at the moment.
I have been with my partner since I was a teen to now over (detail removed by Moderator) later. We had kids very young whom have now left home but he stayed with me. Something I owe him for. He has always been controlling ripping boy band posters off my wall. Starting arguments if a male spoke to me even at a till. Smashing things up.Accusing me of looking at men.Everything was always my fault. He’d work so I stayed at home and he wouldn’t let me work back then as he didn’t trust me. I tried to learn through out the years of how I had to act to not cause arguments even though there was always arguments and holes in the wall. It was always my fault always told for hours or days what I had done wrong.
He has a great image of the amazing husband great father that works hard so his wife sits at home has many accomplishments. He just doesn’t show we all walk on egg shells waiting for the grenade to go off.
From the outside my life looks like a fairy tale with Prince Charming. Inside it’s a horror I’m wishing I wouldn’t wake up. Suicidal thought but would never do as I wouldn’t leave my children. High anxiety not brushing my hair teeth hardly eating crying all the time. Hardly leave the house, only speak to a couple of friends when they push on me.The odd girls night out (detail removed by Moderator) times a year.That exhausts me. He says we’d be happy if I’d just do as he asked, as he does everything for me, which he does. I must be thankful for everything he gives me I’m ungrateful and lazy.His in control of everything in my life.I mess up sex with him I should want him at all times and be a corn star at all times or I’m not trying. Im a happier version around other people I only give him the c**p version. He just forgets to relies choosing every word and movement to smile not to smile to comfort him, throw myself at him what subjects I must not say, what I can say, listen to him for hours, what songs to listen too… has to be done at the correct time depending on his mood or I get criticised then comes the anger. I can’t do anything right. It’s exhausting and soul crushing.
Every aspect is criticised. He goes through cycles that last from days weeks or months. I’m always the bad one. The last few months have been another visit to constant hell with very few breaks.Ive tried everything to make him happy with emotions up and down hoping it’s taking a turn for the better to wake up in the morning knowing his been brewing on something in his sleep and now it’s my time to pay for it.He holds grudges over everything I can’t have a different view than him or he argues his point as to why his right.
When his happy his the best my dream man his amazing and I can breathe feel human and start making an effort to be normal. Look forward to things but knowing a cloud is coming soon.In a false comfort whilst knowing anything I say in that laid back happy go lucky mode his in will get thrown in my face the minute his switched.
I feel like he tried to make me into a stepford wife but ended with a malfunctioning Poundland robot.He took me too far in wrong direction.He complains I’m not who I use to be.
With the latest trip to hell I have said I’m done I’m leaving in a moment of strength. I know I’m not strong enough,I have no confidence, my brain doesn’t work properly, I zone out constantly. I feel like I’m breaking up our family the only thing I’ve known for a long time.I feel like a bad mum. I feel like I can’t do anything right so I must be in the wrong.I can’t have control of my life as I will mess up any decision.I feel like it is me I’m broken.Even writing this is making my stomach turn as if I’m betraying him. Sorry for the long message.

[Lisa]

Hi Hokeypokey,

Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing what you have, even though it was uncomfortable for you. That’s really brave and I’m glad that you’ve found this space.

Your partner sounds incredibly controlling. It might feel amazing when he’s happy, but even in those moments he’s the one in control of how you get to feel and that isn’t okay.

You needing to leave because of his abusive behaviour isn’t you breaking up the family. The responsibility lies with him for choosing to treat you in this way. You’re not alone in feeling this, so many women thinking about leaving struggle with these thoughts.

You can get support to help you leave, you can do it in your own time at a pace that’s right for you but you don’t have to do it alone. Your local domestic abuse service should be able to provide ongoing support to help you understand your options, decide what you want to do, and help you make a plan to put that all in motion.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Breakingfree2024]

Sending love ❤️ you do not deserve any of this. His behaviour is appalling it’s very similar to mine. Constant egg shells waiting for the next outburst.

I hope you get out asap sending you all the love, hope and strength. We are strong women we can do this 😍😍

[Author]

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