Broken me and so tired to find more strength

[searchingforhope]

I feel at this stage I’m so broken. He’s questioning me completely, has me doubting my gut feelings for so long. I feel my gut isn’t lying to me, but its like I can’t over ride his voice in my head. It’s there and won’t leave.
Logic tells me it will settle with time. But there seems to be little logic in him. he’s told me he is willing to do anything to take him back and try again and what more can he do.
But I don’t want him, i don’t want that life. I’m so used to considering him in everything I’m struggling to consider my own needs.
i’ve come so far now. I can’t turn back. But I feel too stuck to move forward. Like there is a huge mountain standing in front of me and I don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other.
He’s not leaving at home with (detail removed by Moderator) months. But I’ve had little peace.
I signed a lease on a rental property today. Paid a deposit. Hopefully I can find the strength to follow through. But how can I? I don’t know what strength I’ve left in me now. It’s like he’s stripped me of my voice and who I am.

[Watersprite]

I think signing a lease is massive progress. No wonder it feels like you have a mountain ahead and in some ways you have but you are doing all the right things you are planning the route gathering support preparing everything and you can do this. Over time when you are truly free slowly your voice will come back and that is a wonderful thing xx

[Hereforhelp]

I think when we have been in a cycle of abuse with our partners we do stop thinking about our needs, wants… you can feel what’s right for you but the self doubt and guilt is ongoing if they are still in our lives.
You made the brave leap of Separation and your ex hasn’t respected that as he is refusing to believe you and is acting desperately to get back his supply.

The rental signing is another leap forward…. It felt like I was pushing forward yet being held back by invisible ties, it made each step exhausting but keep taking steps forward. Maybe write down the boundaries you want in your home for you and your child?

When you move he will demand to see where you live, his child blah blah … that will be yours and your child’s home, you set the boundaries of who you let in and who you don’t. If you want pick up drop off, tell him times and if he deviates or upsets your child then you have every right to stop him. He has lost his right to demand anything as he abused you.

He says he will do anything so you will have him back in your life… Has he attended courses to help himself? Has he respected any of your boundaries so far? What changes has he DONE? He can say all the words he wants, what has he done though?

Trust yourself, keep pushing forward, it is hard, you are exhausted, it will become easier once he is less in your life. You cannot heal when the person who makes you ill is still placing themselves in your life.

You have come so far ❤

[Bananaboat]

He’s trying to get you back in order, to keep his hooks in you as his supply. Mine did exactly all of this flip flopping from nice to nasty after I’d told him it was over. Like you I had a new home lined up but was still living in a battle zone and terrified to tell him I’d got a new place. Listen to your gut, it’s trying to protect you! Watch his actions, ignore his words. He knows you’re hurting but is still making it all about him, you can taste that freedom, keep moving forward and reminding yourself why. Don’t let him break you xx

[searchingforhope]

Thanks so much for replying. I appreciate it so much.
The jnvis

[searchingforhope]

The invisible ties make so much sense. It’s like I’m being dragged back or prevented moving forward.
It’s just rotten. He’s at home in our home now with kids as he’s nowhere to take them to spend time with them so I left to get some space. Find some clarity.
I’m so embarrassed talking to my friends and family about it now as I can’t do what I need to and tell him again. It must be at least 5 times I’ve tried now.

I’m utterly exhausted and feel like a shadow of myself to be honest.
I wish I could be passed this or that someone could do this for me, tell him its done.

[Hereforhelp]

Trust your gut as that’s your truth… his words are just that.. words to try and get what he wants… crazy really, you asked for separation, he refused, you have had to push forward all this time, you have said how unhappy you are yet still he pushes for his needs.aa he doesn’t care about yours or.anyone else. He is responsible for getting somewhere to live which provides a safe space for your children and as a father you would think he would want to provide that, he only cares.about his needs, that hasn’t changed SFH. He won’t do that as he doesn’t want to, he wants to continue to do what suits him.

If you could put one boundary in place what would it be?

Pay the deposit on your new home, you can put whichever boundaries you want in place. As it is a new start maybe you could write down how you want it for you and your child/ren. You have a chance of a fresh start, your rules, your home, totally separate from him… I guess he is saying he loves and wants to spend time with his children? If true then he needs to show that love and get somewhere to live and stop putting pressure on you. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own actions and stop moaning about breaking the family.

If you do not want to answer his questions don’t, i found that helped me a lot. I blocked mine from phoning me so all in writing and that really helped to Separate when he wouldn’t accept it.

❤️

[tiredofitall]

I feel this post so much. I’m also trying to get out. Have got the house for sale and finding somewhere else to buy. Divorce started and just trying to move things on while living together. But he works so hard to make me the bad guy and constantly telling me I’m selfish for not trying couples counselling but the truth is, like you, I don’t want that life for myself anymore. I know that I could never trust him not to be anything other than the way he has been for all these years. I’m sure that he would continue to hurt me and I would continue to live as a shadow of myself. He does so much to make me doubt myself but I’m just listening to my gut too and its telling me that I’m doing the right thing. Imagining a world in which i dont have to explain every decision I have made (because its always a wrong one) and to feel free. well done for getting so far, its takes so much energy and courage. x

[searchingforhope]

Thanks so much I appreciate your replies more than you could know. They help settle me a bit.

monday is like my favourite day now. Back in routine of work and I know I won’t see him while I’m working. Dread increases as the week passes and gets closer to weekend.
I’ve deposit paid. I can start moving in this weekend. Not sure will I be ready to, I need to tell him again first and tell kids. Absolutely dreading that.
Spoke to my GP Friday which settle me a bit. But I’ve had such a draining week. Just trying to bury myself in work today and block it out. That won’t fix it though, but might let my mind rest a little in relation to the tasks ahead.

There is strange comfort knowing others suffer similar. Yet I wouldn’t wish anyone to feel the way I’m feeling recently. Nobody deserves that.

Wishing you all a good day. Stay strong x*x and Thanks x*x

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