Bruised again

[BlueberryField]

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I know how bad my situation is and has been for years.

He’s been verbally horrible to me on daily basis for a while now. He says things that he knows insult and hurt me, but he manages to do that sometimes without using actual swear words. And whenever I confront him about it, he just says what exact words hurt me that bad, because according to him he never does or says anything wrong or if he does then I should take it as a ‘joke’. And I’m always left confused and even more hurt. And I am aware that he only does this to make me think that I’m the one who’s crazy.

Recently he got very drunk and while I was just (detail removed by moderator) just ignoring him he kept picking on me with stupid ‘jokes’ and random insults. And whenever he hit me couple times (to him he said it was by accident) but I know he did it on purpose, because you don’t hit someone in exact same way 2-3 times by accident. And when I told him he hurt me, he got more aggressive started calling me names and threatening me in many horrible ways. The worst part is I know those threats he is capable on acting on them. He knows himself that something is not right with him, he admitted multiple times before how he has these insane thoughts of how he would hurt people and what he would do to them. As the night progressed he was getting more and more aggressive and any time I Would talk to him in a calm manner he would twist my words to a totally different meaning and on top of that he added things that I NEVER EVEN SAID TO HIM and he kept on repeating on and on that I just said those things right there and then, when nothing even similar to that came out of my mouth. And because of his deranged delusions he got even more and more aggressive. He ended up throwing this object (will not say what it was exactly because it might get deleted) at me and I was left with a big bruise.
Next morning I woke up and he pretended that nothing had happened. Apparently he doesn’t remember what he did and all those threats and nasty, degrading things he said to me. And because he doesn’t remember it always means that if he did that then it means it was my fault and I deserved it. And if he doesn’t remember I NEED to forget it too, because if I Don’t then I’m a b***h who’s picking fights and attacking him.

Sometime before this, he kept on digging at me about one situation that I was not even in control, because that situation didn’t even involve me, but because it involved my family that means it’s my fault as usual. When he was threatening to hurt one person and telling how he should’ve done this long time ago I ended up snapping at him and said that instead of digging at me daily he should’ve done something when he had a chance. HE twisted it as if That was a threat from me to him so he grabbed an electric device by a cable and smashed it into me multiple times until it all smashed and I Was left with a large cut to which I still have a scar.

I just feel so guilty for staying, I Don’t love him and I hate myself for having to pretend all the time and walk on eggshells.
I can’t stop thinking about the time I Was in a refugee and how stupid I was for going back. I keep imagining how my life would’ve been if I just blocked him and kept 0 contact.

Just the guilt and the feeling of being stuck financially and because I’m extremely terrified of him is eating my mental health daily..

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely, you deserve so much better than this. You found the strength to leave before that means you can do it again, you’re not forced to stay because you gave him another chance. There’s no excuse for any kind of abuse, and alcohol doesn’t excuse hurting you. If anything, think of the nights you maybe went out and got drunk, waking up with gaps, god I was so embarrassed and worried if someone had said I’d hurt them I’d be apologetic asking how to help etc, but that’s not how abuses function – they blame us. Your partner sounds dangerous so please stay safe and seek help, you don’t have to live like this x

[BlueberryField]

I do know it is not my fault. With him, he’s never wrong. He’s like this with everyone. I mean if he was holding a cup, if he dropped it and it smashed, he would still find someone else to blame just not him. I can’t even remember how many times I was abused by him verbally, because he misplaced things. (detail removed by moderator)

I feel like it wasn’t strength back then. It was an extreme fear that he would really end my life. And back then I was alone. Where as now I have a child and it feels even harder to find that strength. He’s known to always revenge people if they hurt him. If I ran with our child that would be his top priority to hurt me in the most horrible ways possible. Which means he would do anything to get somebody to follow me or hurt my family members just to find me and if he did he would try his best to take our child and hid him from me, he would go to such lengths as hide him in a different country. And if I lost my little one, I would lose my whole world. And that fears stops me I guess. And I don’t know how to overcome it

[nbumblebee]

Ahhh sweetie Im so sorry.
I get how you feel all of it the guilt the pain tbe anger but you know none of this is on you. Its all him.
He knows what he is doing he does and yet he still carries in hurting you because he can.
You were so so brave to leave you did it and you can do it again you can. That fire that was inside that helped you leave thats still there somewhere deep inside and it will re light again. You can do this you deserve so so much better stay safe until then sweetie. Stay safe xx

[BlueberryField]

I just wish I had enough strength to do it again.. I know none of this is my fault. And his delusions that I am disrespecting him infant of our child or that I treat him bad. It got to the point where I am a complete house maid and his personal servant. Never once I said bad words to him in front of our child, where he always talks bad about me. I know our child is still very little, but at the same time he already gets that toxic influence from him.. And because of this I feel even more guilt, anger, embarrassment and fear.

It makes me so angry that I can’t even find enough strength because of my child. Just to even prevent him having this future.

[Sad and alone]

This sounds very scary, please keep yourself safe and don’t be afraid to ring for help if you’re concerned about any of his behaviour. It’s bad enough when they are the way they are without the added fuel of alcohol.
Try and remember you will never win with these people. They will always be right and you’ll never get them to see or understand your point of view or how you’re feeling. I’ve tried to talk about issues calmly before but he gets irate and says I want an argument or I’m fighting him. Usually I just say he’s right if I feel something escalating and sometimes this dampens the situation down a bit. Even though I don’t mean it.
If you left before you can do it again. And this time you have more knowledge and strength and can say you’re definitely going to cut all ties and not go back, because you’ve now found out what happens if you do. It all goes back to how it was before. Take care of yourself and stay safe xx

[BlueberryField]

I am extremely terrified of him when he’s drunk. And I just do the same. I have noticed for a while now he tries to manipulate me into making me think that my family doesn’t care about me and that they only love my other siblings etc etc. I just either stay quiet or just agree with him even when I don’t mean it

[Rabbitgirlyy]

Oh my word my ex did that ! Pretending he had no idea what he’d done. Even though he’d just spat in my face, told me how he was going to unlive my whole family in detail and kick me whilst I’m laying on the floor.

I stayed with him coz I felt guilty and scared whst he’d do if I left him. But I found the courage and left him and so can you.

I’m so sorry your going through this. You deserve so much better. You are a strong person. I know you may not feel like it now but you are.

We all believe in you

[BlueberryField]

How did you find courage to leave? I feel like it was easier to leave then because we did not have a child. Whereas now, he has threaten me in such horrible ways if I ever even thought of leaving with our child. Like you say, he has told me in small detail how he would kill me and my whole family (that include kids too) how he would torture everyone. Even recently I was told if I want to leave I better leave my child with him and I can go wherever I want. But I would never ever leave my little one with this monster! And I need to find strength to do it before our child is older, because I know he will get manipulated and abused like his parents did to him. They were very manipulative and emotionally abusive and they used him as a puppet to get back at each other.

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