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I’m sure everyone here now, and since this forum began, has come face to face with some hurtful, harmful myths about domestic abuse.
A recent thread about ‘being a strong woman’ which I commented on today, got me thinking about how much harder it is for women to feel /get support because of these harmful myths, and wanted to write some of them out, please add your own that you’ve been faced with:
Being a strong woman [noone could abuse you]
Being educated
Having money
In a position of authority (like in the police, or a teacher)
Being in a certain social class
Working in the DA industry
Seeming so happy
He’s a really good bloke (charmer [on the outside])
He’s never been like that to me [to others]
but he’s [a vicar/volunteers for charity/so kind]
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I’ve found that for several avenues of help out there there is a salary limit, as if you can only suffer abuse when you earn less than a certain amount. Ties in with some of your points above I guess.
I also got annoyed at a local charity’s radio advert recently raising awareness of domestic abuse as it only focused on the ‘big ticket’ incidents and would’ve been an ideal platform for some of the more subtle abuse to make you think, as if even the charity thought it was only abuse if you got hit or he checked your phone etc.
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Thank you TS. These are so true. I get a lot the one “how could this have happened to YOU?” as if my high flying job and my higher degrees were going to “protect” me somehow. I also get the “he’s is sick/mental issues/lost his parents/ he has BPD/ he doesn’t know what he’s doing”
But if I soul search and be completely honest with myself, I think I do think that some of the times. I also have ingrained “myths” that are hard to shake and I think “how did this happen to ME?” – well, it did. And when I think “he’s ill/BPD/[insert pathology]… I need to tell myself “he only abused behind closed doors, he knew what he was doing”
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yes, absolutely! Thanks for this. Its so common to give others the ‘benefit of the doubt’ instead of thinking about it critically, like you say, he’s not doing this to other people.
I had meant to write exactly that one about who it happens to, and why!? Why us? From what i’ve read around it including Womens Aid and Freedom Programme, despite many thinking its personal and because of who you are oryour experiences, the research says 50/50 on whether you had a good life or not as a child. So many women blame themselves, yet these men go on to abuse others too, or abused those before us. Its just very very unlucky, and…as we live in a patriarchy, more likely, more men are likely to abuse. Keep strong. ts
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One way to rationalise it is to think that this is “something that happened TO me” not because of me, not because I allowed it to happen. If I get struck by lightning it happened TO me – yes, maybe I shouldn’t have been in the open field when it was thundering but in a world of probabilities we all take a chance. We were giving love a chance and someone with a different make up than us did this TO us. It could have been to anyone, it was one of those things… bad luck I suppose.
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Yes. It’s very annoying. To be honest all of the women I’ve met who’ve had an abusive ex have been strong women. People are very ignorant. The truth is harder to face than the myth I suppose.
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– That our children don’t see or understand what is going on. Devastatingly they do
– that psychological abuse is less damaging
– that if the physical violence doesn’t cause serious injury then it isn’t a dangerous relationship
– that leaving is easy
– that returning after leaving means it can’t be that bad
– that you should be able to move on as soon as you get out
– that DA ends when you leave
– that someone can rescue us or tell us what to do they can’t …only you can do it
– that abused women aren’t brave Oh my we are brave ! Living with and Surviving abuse is brave-
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your first point:
– That our children don’t see or understand what is going on. Devastatingly they do
horribly shocking, and this was one of the last to hit me, actually the amount of harm caused to children when I thought it was just me. I thought no, I have protected, and they don’t see it. They really did, as I found out later, and it affected them deeply, it was one of the most deeply upsetting parts of the abuse, and maybe its another coping mechanism that we can only survive it whilst in it, believing that we are protecting, and now, looking back I know I was doing all that I actually could do.
Greater public awareness of this would help women hugely, that and a point also made here, that services hold the mother accountable for safeguarding the children against their abuser!!! Its a joke isn’t it.
ts
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I think for me it’s a typing as such as my ex was an alcoholic, was I also one then? No I wasn’t , I rarely drink . Also the thing I find most frustrating more than anything is that women who are in domestic abusive relationships especially those who have children are subjected to social services, while the perpetrators are free to carry on with their lives , we are punished for their behaviour which is not fair . Also domestic abuse has a variety of forms in a relationship and not just the physical side of things , I think the emotional side of things should be explained more as I was naive myself in thinking well he doesn’t batter me so it’s ok then everything I’m putting up with . I think also as Iam a businesswoman and I come across as a strong person, people do find it hard to believe that I was in a relationship as I was , because as everyone as already probably heard themselves you are told why haven’t you left ? Why are you putting up with this ? But as we all know it’s soooo hard to get away and cut the cord . I think women & men are typecast stereotyped as to what they define a person should look like or be like to entertain these relationships and that’s wrong as it can be anyone in all walks of society.
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yes, such a harmful myth that women are responsible in any way for the harm the perpetrator causes the children. Its a harmful myth that women have the tools to fully protect either themselves or their children and a really good one to flag up.
Thats a really good point that really obstructs women realising whats happening when society tells us that only physical abuse is domestic abuse.
thank you for these x
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“He can’t have been that bad or you would have just left sooner and not stayed so long”
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I always reply with “ luckily for you you don’t understand why it’s so hard to leave and I hope you never have to understand” it usually shuts them up. -
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A very good response!
It’s a myth that women know that they are being abused.
Many don’t know that their relationship is abusive. If the myths above can be exposed, more women would understand what was happening in their relationship and get out much, much earlier.
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yes, and we read this here every day, and one of the topic headings is ‘is it abuse?’
Whats the expression, ‘can’t see the wood for the trees’, and so many others that explain why its so difficult to see it when you’re in it.
Blowing the myths out of the water publically could open the eyes of a larger portion of the public, and there is some raised profile out there at the moment for VAWG, but nothing that tackles these myths.
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When people “medicalise” it 😡 like it’s an illness and when u read Lundy Bancroft he explains it’s in their way of thinking attitudes briefs but their psyche
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I don’t think anyone understands unless you go through it, and it slowly creeps up on you until one day you question if your actually in an abusive relationship, then your in so deep you don’t know how to get out
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A powerful one that has just come to me is the belief that someone who has never been violent couldn’t suddenly turn violent.
They can, and do, but I think its related to the myth that Domestic Abuse is only physical violence, but the physical comes in many forms, pushing, pursuing, getting in your face, tripping you up, throwing items at you, demonstrating their power by throwing/breaking/smashing things around you (normally your things, not theirs), and then blaming you for them getting in such a state. No, No, No.
…and manufactured anger, that they make themselves angry, and it isn’t something the victim does, its something they do to themselves, to whip themselves up into a frenzy to be angry to you. This one took a long time for me to get my head around, and when I tested this out, it was totally true, that actually the words being said were irrelevant to him, just used to create noise and get angry, but it didn’t matter how I responded the rage went on regardless.
Keep safe all, there’s a horrifying statistic that over 80% of abusers are repeat offenders, and these are only the ones they know about, and as we know, there are serious levels of underreporting because we know for ourselves that we only report a very small amount of what we’ve experienced, if anything.
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Another one:
Its not due to being alcoholic, or drug addicted, or a gambling addiction, porn or any other addiction.
Its also not due to any mental health issues, anxiety, having PTSD, and definitely not Narcisstic Personality Disorder, which a growing number of the population seems keen to blame it on.
Its only about power and control, and it has its own label, truth, coercive control, domestic abuse.
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