… But I love him

[undertherainbow]

I really truly do love him. I miss him. I cry for him. We’ve been no contact for quite some time, he’s in prison because of what happened.

I have never felt like this about anyone. I’ve had relationships, even engagements that lasted much longer but he is the only man I feel I have truly deeply loved.

I know we can never be together but my God it’s overwhelming some days. I feel like my heart breaks daily. I will never love anyone like him.

[Lightness]

Undertherainbow – I wonder if it would help you to read about trauma bond and cognitive dissonance.
You may be clinging to the honeymoon period and the occasional sweetness that he used to dope you with – like a drug. That is how they hook us in. The sweetness is even more manipulative that the horrid things they say and do.

[Ayanna]

I understand your grief.
Cry as much as you need.

But always remember that he is an abuser.
I am still numb to these feelings.

Someone who loves me does not attack me, rape me, steal my money, lock me in, prevent me from eating ….

Did he deserve to be loved so much?

The answer is NO.

[undertherainbow]

Thank you for replying. Just knowing someone is on the other end helps immensely.
I’ve read about trauma bonding but not the other so will look it up.
Late at night I imagine I’m laid by his side in his cell, with him telling me everything is gonna be OK.
I know he doesn’t give a d**n about me, I know that as fact but I still hope he’s alright and I’m sorry for everything.
When does all this go away?
There is another man who is brilliant, kind, supportive, caring, beautiful and the Father to my children. Yet I only want the abuser. I only want him. I’m so broken.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Undertherainbow, I felt exactly the same as this since we split up. I genuinely believed that.

What you may find is as the time goes on your thoughts alter so much. I think its something to do with your mind/brain working through all what has happened & processing it all. Since I split up I have cried and been deeply saddened, believing he is a damaged soul due to his own abusive upbringing. The pain this gave me was so horrible as I really cared about him. In fact I contacted him after our split purely because of this, to offer him the ongoing hand of friendship. I felt sorry for him.

Aswell I have felt revulsion, pure hate and anger. Most recently I have wanted revenge for what he did not me. I have felt relief and optimism about my future. The wide range of feelings that comes your way post split is so vast and changes all of the time.

[KIP.]

Here’s an old post that might help

trauma bonding makes us cling to the person who is abusing us. Kicking any bad habit is tough. Leaving a monster was more difficult than quitting smoking, drinking, and drugs. It left a huge hole in my life because my life had become centered around him. I felt unsure of myself because my self esteem had become dependent on him. I think the feeling sorry for or feeling sad for him lets you know that you are a loving caring person however, it can also be your weakness if you think about it too much. When you feel sorry for him think about this: he needs to understand why he has lost everything before he will change. As abusive people rarely do this they do not change. They virtually never take responsibility for their actions. Instead they will blame their victims. This is your time. Do not think about him or his problems. It will make you feel weak. You must think about your future. In time you will be amazed that you ever felt sorry for him.

[Confused123]

Hey HUn

Ask yourself why is he in prison? exactly prob cause he hurt u that bad, why waste energy on a person that hurt us so much. Whenever i miss my ex i remind myself why we r not togehter, i ask myself why i want to be with some one who cant offer me nothing, shows me no respect, thats not love , it doesnt matter if we loved them so much, it has to be mutual, cry, talk as much as u need

[Author]

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