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I’ve been with my husband a long time, since we are kids, and I’m in my mid (detail removed by moderator) now.
I have over the past year been coming to terms with the fact that he is abusive and have started speaking to a counsellor in private. I tried to leave twice but failed because he talked me round. He says he’s not abusive. My counsellor says he is gaslighting me and he isn’t physically abusive but moreso controlling and I’m not allowed a life outside of him, I have to be constantly available to him, I’m not even allowed to work.
A few years ago I feel like I just kind of gave up and accepted how things were with him and life since then has been a lot better. Our relationship, weirdly, is a happy one? Outwardly at least. We are very close and get along well and we are like soulmates – we often ring each other at the exact same time for example. We don’t argue. I want him to do things like cuddle me and go to him for affection.
I keep all the pain and all the upset and anxiety and depression and loneliness that living this way causes, inside of me. While hes at work and I’m alone, I’m miserable and planning my escape and looking for jobs. But when he comes home I feel like I don’t want to leave him, I’m scared and know I will miss him and think I won’t cope without him and will be even more depressed and anxious etc etc.
Have any of you left a relationship that you felt happy in despite also knowing it was abusive? How did you manage it, or what tipped the scales? It’s so confusing and I feel so lost.
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Oh dear. What you’re describing doesn’t sound like happiness to me. Please do reread your post and see if you think that sounds like a relationship you’d want for someone that you loved.
What it sounds like is trauma bonding, and treading carefully to keep the peace. And yes, lots of people experience these feelings, because abuse tends to be circular (google Cycle of abuse for more info on this), and the good periods tend to give us enough hope that things might be okay to stop us facing the paralysing terror of going against them, and the repurcussions we know we’ll deal with if we leave.
Sending hugs.
GR x*x -
Couldn’t help but notice you sound similar to me it’s like you accept abuse I’ve posted a few times on here and been told I’m trauma bonded I’ve tried to leave once and I’m planning it again I’m abused constantly like you a lot of mine is gas lighting changing the subject and ignoring constantly said I’m nagging when I ask questions and other terrible things I’ve come to notice I’m not allowed to leave told not to work I’m looking.friends are not really allowed even though he says they are this will just be to be nosy though he can speak to who he wants when he wants don’t think he loves me he’s a n********t but has hit me very free times I was even gas lighted when this happened and told he loves me so didn’t do it
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I’m also still in love so it makes it much harder o didn’t notice the abuse for many years as I didn’t know how to explain what was going on until something tipped me off the edge and I went to google to try and describe the behaviour and a load of terminology came up I did not know what a n********t was !also recognised that my parent had n********t tendencies sp considered the relationship normal.
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I came out of my abusive relationship some months ago , having been going backwards , forwards too many times too mention , I had known him for a very long time , but he came across the complete opposite to how I thought he was . The abuse & control etc started when he moved in , it goes worse as time progressed and I so wanted this relationship to work as I prioritised it , I was completely under his control , totally besotted with him and he had treated me throughout the relationship atrociously, the tears I cried daily over this man and I couldn’t let go , I lost respect for myself, friends had given up and yet I still stayed loyal to him . It was the smallest thing that just made me change as he had done worse things and I had took him back , maybe it was a continuous cycle that I had just about enough , every time I went out he asked for picture proof of where I was and what I was wearing , I was then told times to call and text and how long of a duration I should be on the phone and how many texts to send him & the last time I’m allowed to call , he asked if I agreed ? I just went I’m done , over , nah way , don’t need this ! Told him it was over due to his controlling nature and of course he didn’t agree . I did walk away , cut him off , I loved him , but as I’ve said many times I can’t live this life , so it was a choice I either stay in this miserable relationship as I love him that means putting up with various c**p behaviour daily or I hurt for a while , cut my losses and try to move on with my life and be happy , you can guess what I chose ! There probably will always be a part of me that loves the man I thought I fell in love with , but for me that man doesn’t exist and he isn’t the man I was in a relationship with .
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Yes. I’d loved that man for years, tried everything to solve our issues, like you gave up a lot of myself but ultimately I was miserable. Your sole mate shouldn’t make you feel the way you do. What helped me was learning about abuse, I started by reading Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’, I watched Dr Ramani on YouTube, I learnt about trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance, I learnt about future faking and started to see my life with a new perspective. Like you I thought I was happy when he was around (and not drunk), but the reality was I was living in survival mode and when he was there I wasn’t filled with anxiety about what was coming. That’s not happiness. When you’ve lived this way for so long it can be hard to accept it’s not the norm. It’s like an addiction and you need to re-educate and relearn new behaviours. xx
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