“But you seem like such a strong person…!”

[Lottieblue]

When I first left, a lot of my/our friends said something along these lines… “but you always seemed the sort of person who could stand up for yourself”, “it always looked like you could give as good as you got”, and even my first therapist (don’t worry, I ditched her pretty quickly) said he just needed to be told his behaviour was unacceptable.
Today, I spoke with someone who I’ve known for 6 months or so, and who didn’t know me before I left, and I elaborated a bit on what my life had been like, and she said “my gosh, but you’re such a strong person, it’s hard to believe you didn’t just stand up for yourself!”.
I find that really hard. It’s like I failed. It’s like I had it in me to make things better but failed to. Or it’s like they don’t believe me, that it’s all just a good excuse, it’s the best story I can come up with.
Does anyone else get this, or feel like this? Why is it that we strong, forthright, outspoken women are floored by their abuse? Why is it so hard for others to believe that we could be?

[Strongenough]

I have experienced this so many times and I’ve posted about it before too. It’s soul destroying after everything you’ve been through to receive this feedback. The one that sticks with me the most was “I don’t understand it because your not a stupid person”, like only stupid people get abused! I was so angry after that one!

The thing I tell myself now is the people who make these comments don’t mean any harm. They are clearly blissfully ignorant to how it feels to be a survivor of DV. I just smile whenever I get these comments now and say a silent prayer that I hope they never have to feel what it’s like to be one. X

[nbumblebee]

Oh sweetie I can see why this hurts so much I really can oh if only they knew if only they really understood right?
Ive never told anyone and doubt I ever will so am not sure if id have the same reaction but I bet I would as I am always the one who will fight for friends family I will fight for other people when I see them being hurt or if something isnt fair.
People who know me will say im strong and wont be messed around.
So why cant I fight for myself??

[Mellow]

I want to reply on both ends my friend suffered physical abuse and he did not care who saw it that’s how bad it was but the friend never left everyone used to say I’ve told her to leave why won’t she leave it’s her own fault before I suffered abuse of my own I thought like this I now know it’s not easy to leave someone you love or even stand up to them because you want to please them we put our needs last.I know I definitely do this even my kids come first .we want to make them happy .we don’t speak up cause we are scared of the reaction or lack off.outsiders looking in don’t know the reality of it they don’t see the emotional side to it or the words what get chucked around to keep you there

[Anonymous]

I was the first person to say mug , how can she put up with that ? If that was me etc , yet found myself exactly that person I was criticising, I was told you are so strong how could you have allowed it for so long ? We are strong , but we are also good hearted people that give too many chances , excuse bad behaviour, want to please and give our all . It’s not that we are weak or that we are stupid or we are not strong it’s because we want so much for our relationship to work we lose ourselves, our beliefs , our confidence, they ware you down to a person you no longer recognise anymore. We are strong women as we are here on this forum wanting a better life for ourselves and our families x

[nbumblebee]

Gosh @Duchess Yes to this, you really have put it so well here. As much as I am fighting for my marriage I have lost myself in the process. X

[cakepops]

I think abusers actually pick strong, kind, caring people – this is how they manage to cause so many issues.

If I hadn’t been so strong I would have left many years before I did. I believed that I was helping and supporting a wonderful man who was apparently unlucky with work/family/friends/previous partners, who had supposedly been abused by his family and previous partner, who deserved my love. I can look back clearly now and see the cycle of abuse, and the constant lies, but at the time I was just increasingly desperate to try to help the man I loved through all the things that seemingly weren’t his fault.

Being ‘strong’ meant that when he was horrendous to me I was able to pick myself back up and carry on regardless. But it also meant that I never allowed myself to think of the damage to myself until I was in way too deep to escape easily.

The phrase that always winds me up is ‘but you always seemed so happy’…

[gettingtired]

I find these sorts of comments very patronising and hurtful. As though only ‘stupid’ people get abused and that ‘strong’ people wouldn’t accept it. The majority of people do not understand the complexities of abuse so have no right to comment or judge. I know it’s usually non-intentional bad advice but it can still be very hurtful and in some cases keep us stuck in our situation.
It can feel very victim blamey x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Lottieblue

I hear so many strong voices, strong women speaking out on here, but we are also only human, and also all have our soft spots if you like, and then add into the mix the abuser/dominator, and the ways in which it slowly changes, the same way the temp of the water in the boiled frog analogy slowly increases so as to be almost imperceptible to the frog, until its actually boiled alive. Horrible analogy, but it does work, as in you do get a sense of something being wrong, but your external radar has been damped down, and that is hard for others to see from the outside.

Its about the intimate relationship, which others cannot see from the outside. However, if they were sharp and prepared to see, they will pick up clues from his behaviour, and from our worsening struggle to keep abreast of everything whilst dealing with increasing abuse. Many abusers are very cunning, and able mostly to cover their tracks, just like a murderer does, any stalker, or those seeking harm not wanting to be held accountable for it.

Its two sides of the same coin, the two faces of the abuser, often referred to on here as the Jekyll & Hyde character. We can be strong, but we are not superhuman, and its good to have these kind of conversations here where we understand because all too many still don’t understand this in our lives. I have been through the same thoughts, and I agree, its because they don’t understand the complexities, and it can be too hard to explain it to others, especially when they resist our truth, because that can be harmful.

warmest wishes and keep strong!

ts

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