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Words from my (soon to be ex) mother in law about a new assault on me by her son. No, Mother in Law, this time I was not hurt; but I was struck and I was threatened with the sort of violence I had already experienced from your son; I was taunted with social services if should I call the police; I fled the house with my small child in her pyjamas and sought sanctuary with a neighbour; I voluntarily disrupted my and my daughter’s lives by calling the police, calling social services myself, calling my child’s school, calling on support from friends, calling for it all to stop. But no, I wasn’t hurt this time.
It doesn’t happen to people like me. Or like you. Or like her. Except when it does.
Feeling deep sad wounds this evening.
Tower of Song
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My mother is supporting my brother with everything. And the way she does it I do not get it. To me, she lied many times and crying, to get the money or always getting extra from me one way or other way. What she was doing? She was sending to my brother, who loves to drink, smoke weed, not working, dreaming of becoming a big boss. Plus he is abusing his wife, the number of years. And for my mother – it is never a brothers fault. He grew up, exactly the same version as my stepfather, violent, substance abusive person, selfish, aggressive, verbal abusive.
My mother is totally blind and she does not even want to admit that her son is actually a bad person, she takes always his side, and pity him.
Now with therapy I actually understand that my own . brother abused me as well – emotionally, financially, verbally, physically intimidating me too. What I did – I brushed all under the carpet and tried to forget. Not going to do it anymore. I do not know how my life will takes, how I will be when I finish therapy. My mother is a toxic person. And I question myself who actually is normal? And with whom I can have a healthy relationship in the family? -
His mother remind me of my mother, who is ready to support a person like this. Instead of facing him and say – that you can not abuse your wife, your kids, you can not treat women this way. They just make situation worse. These men go and pity themselves, and think that is their right to carry to abuse you.
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No-one has ever called him to account, Fridges, not when he was at school, university, workplaces. He was allowed to be the shouty boy, the shouty man, the shouty colleague who might throw computers if the computer had misbehaved (as well as always being in the right, he has a habit of investing inanimate objects with evil intent…). It has always been put down to him just being [made up name coming] “Oh well, that’s just Big Bad Bob being Big Bad Bob”. It was laughed off, or people kept out of his way, and back in the day, bullies at work were just the Boss being the Boss. And I put up with so much for many many years, partly because I was a silly cow, partly because I am actually quite nice and like putting myself out for people, putting myself second, and by the time the physical violence started, I had been with him and used to him and entangled with him for many many years.
So no-one has ever made him face up to his behaviour. Until I did.
ToS
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You are changing the pattern. You are the first who actually reacted – abuse is not ok, it is not the way it should be and you are no longer will accept this s**t from him. We really should stop to brush things under the carpet, pretending it is all normal. Listen to ourself more.
If I have a son, and he will behave this way, even little thing on women, (Detail removed by moderator). This is not the way I want my kids to grow.
My mother puts on him – like, it is not his faults, it is because we grew up in dysfunctional, abusive family.
And she pity him, like she was pity on her husband ( my stepfather ). What I have learned?
That being raped – it is normal, that being physically abusive and verbally abusive it is normal.
My cycle was repeating and reapeating. Predators, see and smell you from far away.
No longer I want to tolerate things. I’m learning healthy ways of living, I’m working every day so hard to survive and give a new version of me – who will be strong, who will respond with no delay when someone tries to abuse me, or use me in the sexual way. I intend not to give such chances anymore, trying to connect with me for the first time in my life.
Focus on you, focus on how you feel. Stick to yourself, stick to protecting yourself and your child.
Does anyone know by law, how long I can report rape (not only once happened) and coercive behaviour, emotional abuse, blackmailing?
I’m not ready to do it now, but I do not know how it will be in the future, if I will feel this is the right decision. -
That’s a good way to look at it holding perps to account. I’m getting used to holding abusers to account but I still find the bit where others close to them ‘side’ with them and stay in denial as you say minimising the abuse. My abuser’s (ex husband) mother, his siblings, (their wives, their children) and abuser’s friends went No Contact with me. I was gutted after 2 decades of being close to them (or so I thought). It took me a while to let go of them and the feelings of loss around it were huge for me, but happily I’m in a place of acceptance about it all now. Its probably made me going No Contact with my abuser easier. And no guilt for me as the family choosing to go No Contact on me meant the decision was taken out of my hands. Back to my mantra ‘ They’re choices don’t include me’. That’s ok, if anyone doesn’t want to speak to be or be in my life or company that’s their choice. I’m not going to beg them to. Its their loss lol.
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