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So he’s took me to court I know this is a plan to (detail removed by Moderator) he’s using his kids for that I’m disgusted he has done everything in his power after always stating he had no money when we were together he suddenly has these funds to take me court and pay for the kids.the thing is I’m terrified of what’s to come and him having access to my kids I’ve not seen any of these situations turn out for the best I don’t agree with courts.i wish I never told him where I was.I’m in pieces and I’m already being referred for therapy
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If CAFCASS is involved, NEVER allow either yourself or your children to be seen alone by them. They may try to persuade you otherwise. ALWAYS have a witness. If you can’t find someone, tell them that you’re recording any interview. You’re allowed to do this. Our phone conversations are always being recorded, apparently for training purposes.
In the meantime record every communication with this man. This is most easily done through the written word, text, email etc. Record the children’s behaviour when they’ve seen him. Try not to feed the children your own fear. Instead, do your best to simply listen.
It’s a terrifying time. He’s not interested in the children. He’s interested in hurting all of you.
Rights of Women is a brilliant resource. Survivor Family Network also has really good information. There’s so much I’ve learned since I was in your situation.
Please don’t speak to any court official without a witness, even on the phone. It’s their business to drag things out for as long as possible. The family courts are so often a torture chamber for women and children. If your children are school age, tell the school that they must have someone with them while they are being spoken to by Cafcass. Your GP may be able to help you find someone in your local community to be with you. One way or another, you’ll find a way.
The use of the family courts is standard post separation abuse. You may also get help and support about financial abuse.
It’s also worth remembering that abusers lie to their solicitors. Your ex’s behaviour isn’t about wanting to see the children. It’s about power and control, and destroying you. It’s such a horrible time. Baby steps. This horror will pass and there are things you can do make it easier for yourself. He doesn’t deserve your power. Believe me, you have it within you.
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Thankyou I’m really upset about this because he’s an abuser mediation tried to say him being abusive is not a good enough excuse for me not to attend the whole system is backwards at the minute I’m saying as little as possible.do you know if I’m entitled to see mediation report as I don’t know what he’s told them?
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Second everything Maddog has said. Especially about CAFCASS, I haven’t seen evidence of them recognising gendered abuse, and even recommend contact with a father who is physically abusive. If the mother doesn’t say/do the right thing thats a bigger deal though. 🙁
Gather your troops and all the backup support you can rally. You need to get as tooled up as you can for your court battle. Its very hard on the women and children, record conversations (not in court of course), and don’t let them be alone with your children.
You can do this, you have come a very long way, and yes, its a shame he knows where you are, but he would likely find you anyway, using the courts to do so for contact, so don’t beat yourself up over that. You have come such a long way and faced so much. Come here and let off steam whenever you need, and I wish you all the success for this next step.
warmest wishes
ts
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Hi, I can’t really offer any advice as I’m currently going through the same. Had cafcass meetings and the anxiety I have been suffering from is horrible. For years, I suffered mental abuse by my ex-husband, and years later, I still struggle. I’ve always tried to maintain contact between them but had to deal with his bullying and constantly letting the children down. I’ve had women contact me to inform me of what he has done to them then a stranger (detail removed by Moderator) telling me I need to safeguard my children from this abuser and that’s when contact stopped. (detail removed by Moderator). Just remember you and your children are not at fault, it’s his behaviour and that behaviour was his choice. Mental abuse is hard to prove but it’s real and it’s hard to recover from and when you get dragged to court it brings a lot of stuff back to the front of your mind. Keep strong for your children and yourself and just remember you know the truth and you are doing everything to protect your babies. Feel free to message me any time even if it’s just for a rant. Abusers will use any tactic to get to you even if that means upsetting your children.
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