Calculated or coincidence?

[Missssy]

Being somewhere he knows I have to be – with a new lady who makes numerous entrances and exits throughout the days – maximum exposure for effect? Or simply an organic new relationship he can’t help but rub in my face?

Also learned that he is going around bragging about some of the things he has done to me to the effect of ‘putting me in my place’. Knowing there is a chance that these words will get back to me.

Calculated? Or coincidence? My mind is blown.

[Dragonfly]

Everything they do is calculated to some degree. They make choices. Most people who don’t want to be around another person would avoid that person, not flaunt around in your face.

Be calm and try not to give a reaction x

[KIP.]

Nothing with these men is a coincidence. No such thing. My ex put his new relationship somewhere he knew I would absolutely find it. No reason or need for that. We were still living together. Maximum hurt and damage. If it was me, the last person on earth I would allow to know would be him. Try to ignore. He’s doing it for a reaction. Give him none.

[Missssy]

Oh how disgusting of him to do that to you! To be honest that’s what people have been telling me too, that it’s a tactical move on his part, and he may even be staging it completely! But in my mind I am not of enough importance to him for him to go to the trouble of still messing with me, so I was automatically putting it down to coincidence…

[Serenity]

I believe, with an abuser, everything is designed to make themselves look and feel better and others lesser. I believe abusers lack good emotions- like kindness and empathy- and are ruled by negative ones- jealousy, envy, rage, and they like to punish and hurt those who they see as having opposedcthemninndomf way.

They might be perfectly aware of what they are doing; or they might not engage in self-reflection in terms of even questioning whether how they behave is right or wrong. They just do what feels best for ‘them’ in the moment- their own self, and not others, is the priority.

In either case, other people are not treated rightly.

I’m sure him doing what he did is a feeble attempt by him to hurt you and to look like some kind of winner. Unfortunately, as an abuser, he is a loser- never forget that. A pathetic loser!

[Missssy]

Thank you for giving me your view on it! I know that considering what he’s put me through this should be the last thing that I’m upset about but he definitely did succeed in hurting me with this. She is the TOTAL opposite of me too..

Somehow though, It almost seems like a facade or a set up. there has been no other opportunities for him to get into my head lately this was his first chance in a long time so it’s just very convenient timing…

[KIP.]

Hey there. Read ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. Women’s Aid gave me this book. Finding another woman to make us jealous and hurt us is a predictable move. Like you the woman he chose was nothing like me. A vulnerable woman with young kids he could easily manipulate and he did. He thought I’d come running back to him. Boy did he get a shock when I went straight to a divorce lawyer. Idiot. Stay no contact. If you keep ignoring him he will eventually give up x

[Missssy]

Hey, thank you for the recommendation I will purchase a copy!

I feel like me leaving him really did shock him as I had put up with so much depravity and disgusting behaviour and always stayed. He wasn’t ready for me to leave at that time, it was unexpected for me too but I knew I had to do it. Part of me wonders if he is trying to exact his revenge or ‘show me what I’m missing’ as he hasn’t had many other chances to get in touch or use any flying monkeys due to restrictions, this has been his first opportunity to play any kind of head game. I must say it’s working though, unfortunately he knows me so well…

It’s really as though these people have no lower threshold, there’s nothing they won’t stoop to when trying to ensure they still have some kind of hold/power over us!

Sorry for the rant.

[KIP.]

It’s not a rant and you are spot on. Believe me there are no levels they won’t stoop to. Just when you think they can’t harm you anymore they will find a way. Right from the beginning I went no contact. Every time he pushed the boundaries. I pushed right back. It eventually took the police and courts to sort him out. Wish I’d called them sooner. Don’t give him an inch. You don’t have to put up,with his nonsense. You have a right to feel happy and safe. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

[Missssy]

‘Right from the beginning I went no contact. Every time he pushed the boundaries. I pushed right back.’ – Good on you KIP! As hard as it is that’s exactly what needs to be done.

I too went no contact immediately and involved authorities very quickly afterwards. As he is all about self preservation he has only tried to push boundaries subtly, like being close by but not too close, and using others to send messages that ‘he didn’t know about’. This last action of his has rocked me though I have to admit it’s totally messed me up seeing this other lady. I didn’t let him see me crumble though, but I guess his job is done as he knows me inside out and knows all my triggers. He has gone out of his way to show me that he has moved on. I feel so worthless and inadequate.

[White Rose]

This behaviour makes my blood boil. Expert abusive behaviour, coldly calculating and downright evil!
He’s preening his feathers in front of you, taunting you with his new partner. Smile sweetly, show no emotion keep totally professional and with luck he might get bored.
He’ll keep it up “because he can” it’s all about a show of power over you. Keep strong, you are better than him. Don’t give him the satisfaction of seeing you’re ruffled.
Any signs of behaviour that might be harassment – report him.
You’ve moved on too – from his abuse and that’s a lot tougher than getting another partner x*x

[Dragonfly]

You give no reaction will confuse the hell out of him. This is good. You say he knows your triggers but you did the unexpected…..you left him. You wounded his ego. He wants to get a reaction from you, Don’t give it to him. Block everything about him. Ask for any support you need, just don’t look back x

[Missssy]

Thanks for your support it really does mean a lot. The vibe I am getting from the ladies on here and from family and friends all seem to point to it being a contrived situation in order to hurt me further and pull my strings, but I feel as though that’s almost giving me too much credit, to think that he would still want to affect me, rather than just be indifferent to me.

Again I apologise for being so needy I just feel so low and alone even though I have great people around me. I can’t seem to shake it I am just constantly thinking about it all.

[KIP.]

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. When I understood that using another woman to upset me was just a continuation of his abuse, it seemed to make a bit more sense. It’s going to take some time to heal. We think they move on quickly but behind their facade they are seething at losing that power they felt over us so they will keep trying to torment from a distance and see if they get a reaction. See if they can hook us back in. Look up ‘grey rock’. Give him nothing. No reaction at all x

[Missssy]

Thank you for helping me apply a bit of logic and put things into perspective. My logical brain knows this is true, that it’s a ploy to get under my skin and get a reaction because he hasn’t had one for so long. It’s just my emotional/insecure brain that tells me otherwise, and I must say that voice is veryyyy powerful 😒 X*x

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