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First time when my ex was in the house threatening me. He left long before they arrived. They said the only thing I can do is to get an injunction.
He has been physically violent to me in the past, and I called the police after we’d fought. He punched me and I retaliated. The police arrived, asked if I wanted to press charges. I declined as I thought I was as guilty as he was for retaliating. This was in 20th century. I don’t remember the police writing down much. I hope they can provide me with evidence that they came to our home that night.
It is the relentless lies that he tells that gets me. He flatly denied doing a revolting sexual thing to a friend. When a former friend said he groped her, he denied it as well. I see him for what he is. He’s an abusive rapist. He lives in an alternative reality.
There is nothing I can do without an injunction.
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I’ve reported his horrible sexual behaviour towards me. He flatly denied it to the police and told me it never happened. He told me it never happened tonight. I am in no doubt that my friend has put it behind her and would be too traumatised by going through it all again. At the time she was vulnerable. My former friend too has put his groping behind her, saying oh, it was years ago.
I’ve asked the police force involved if they might at least give me an incident number. It’s such a long time ago I don’t remember the date at all and may even have the year wrong.
The police who came today said it would be helpful to have some kind of record. I just don’t know what they kept back in the day.
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A glimmer of hope from the original police force. They have given me a phone number to call next week.
My ex has lied and lied and lied. I told him in my stupidity that the police have evidence that he has told me I deserve to be beaten up because I provoke everyone. He told me I was lying. I am not. The police involved are not interested in that particular thing because they were investigating someone else and it is a different police force. They did download my phone so they do have it somewhere. Because it was my daughter assaulting me (as though by proxy) they are not interested. I really do not want my daughter to have to live with the consequences of her father’s behaviour and I have been clear with the police about this, maybe wrongly.
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I believe that my daughter really hates her behaviour. The younger daughter has chimed in that I provoked her into hitting me. I was very upset by that.
It is absolutely true that my reality is not the same as my ex’s. The things that have happened to me by his hand in his mind are not real to him. My experience is nothing. It is really weird.
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The abuser will simply rewrite history to suit their own needs at that particular time. It doesn’t even make sense in the larger picture yet they persist with their deceitful ways. It doesn’t even occcur to them that they may be caught out. If they are they simply make another lie or divert the blame. There is no point in trying to communicate with an abuser. They don’t even speak the same language. To provoke someone into hitting you is outrageous and something she clearly learned from her father. If you get a calm moment perhaps point out that victim blaming isn’t acceptable and each person is responsible for their own actions and that includes assault which is illegal and an arrestable offence. I’d hate for her to have that attitude in the outside world. I wonder if she does or if it’s just behind closed doors?
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She was provoked by the word No. I have been through it many times with her, and she also knows that I will not hesitate to go to the police about her behaviour. She attacked me in (Detail removed by Moderator)! I have also spoken to both children about provocation and that someone might feel provoked into hitting them because they looked at them the wrong way.
We have gone through it with the gp and with CAMH. The younger daughter is still on the waiting list for CAMH.
You are so right KIP about communication with an abuser. Might as well be shouting at a peanut.
The girls have absolutely learned how to victim blame. It is all they have known from him.
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They absolutely do learn from there fathers example. It’s horrible to be at the receiving end off your own kid. I read somewhere they can be prosecuted for domestic abuse. How can we even contemplate that one to teach them. I’m definitely not strong enough to go that far xx 💕 It’s scarey xx
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It’s terrifying isn’t it? My daughter knows that I can have her arrested and that she will be taken away by the police. My ex came storming in once when she and I were shouting at each other threatening to have me arrested if I laid a finger on her. She admitted that she had struck me. Oh how his attitude changed.
It is the younger child who is perhaps more frightening in her attitudes. I wonder if she believes that it depends on who the victim of the assault is? I wonder if it was her friend who was being attacked she would then say to her friend, well yes, you did give them a funny look. I’m not surprised you were attacked?
The girls have called me their moral compass. I really hope they can start disassembling the ideas they have grown up with.
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I think im going to go down the councelling route with my eldest. I just cant reason with her at the moment. She thinks ive been brutal on her dad and its a shame for him. its a tough one thats for sure. If i hadnt put my foot down with her she would have continued his abuse for him. it is terrible xx DIY
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Go for it DIY! I’ve learned that teenage thinking is really not the same as adult thinking. I’ve made sure that both girls are down for school counselling. They will probably have left further education before that comes into fruition. They have also been referred for help through WA. SS have not been able to do much so we’ve been discharged.
I have found a system of what I call Yes/No charts helpful. Basically they do anything good and it gets a yes, and when their behaviour is abusive or rude they get a No. We try to go through them as many days as possible and it helps for them to tell me what they’ve done well, what chores they’ve done and anything really that is positive. Then we can discuss any no’s they may have got. Sometimes I feel like scrawling a massive NOOOOOO! down the whole page and reasons for it. At the end of the month it turns into pocket money and I dock bits off for No’s. It’s not very scientific, and it is very basic.
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Hi Maddog, i like your system and tbh who cares if it’s scientific or not. It’s teaching your girls acceptable behaviour and unacceptable behaviour.
Being a parent is hard enough, being one amongst the war zone of DA is nigh on impossible. Scared to make a decision even when you know it’s the right one. Plus hormones with females in the house, oh Lord help us all😅😅
Good luck to you all, you’re doing so good love.
IWMB 💕💕
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Being a parent when the other parent is an abuser annihilates you. It is impossible to have boundaries, children learn that mum (usually) is the family dustbin for all bad things.
One visit from my ex and the dogs are being rude as well.
I’ve had enough, says I. But hey ho, I’m drugged up to the eyeballs on some heavy duty clonk pills.
I really hope the children learn some manners. It’s not anger that bothers me. I am pretty blardy angry about their behaviour when it becomes abusive.
For the most part I am really enjoying the teenage changes. The difference in logic, the fact that most of the time there’s no point in being cross because it’s just not going to work. I really don’t know. I just hope hope hope to be able to get this injunction. It’s terrifying that he can come into the house whenever he likes.
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I do think that making sure you / police have incident ref numbers and correct records is important whether paper or computerised and not always accepting what front line Police say as they are sometimes wrong and do not act correctly. Having a friend there/ recording all conversations with Police too. In my case several years ago they lost / misfiled my witness statement so made no links when i went back at a later time so no action was ever taken or links made that i was in an abusive relationship and had already done a witness statement. After a complaint enquiry they called it an administration error. Best wishes X
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That must have been incredibly frustrating for you trees. For now my printer isn’t working which is only the start of my frustrations!
I so much hope the police have some record of their visit. It was such a long time ago and I couldn’t tell them exactly what year it was in. I just know that it was a significant period between the first time my ex punched me and the time I reported him for the same.
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Hi MD , is there a reason why he’s still coming into the house. Does he still have a key. Can you get the locks changed again. My daughter got hers changed 5x before the police stopped her oh coming around for good. She kept taking him back though.😓 It’s probably a stupid question. I know you’ve been on here for a while and your replies have helped me enormously and that you’ll have done everything in your power to keep him at as much distance as possible.
Aye i remember teenage years, it’s quite confusing to determine whats hormonal and behaviour due to not being able to stop their dads/stepdads abuse. Either way positive parenting is the way forward, but not molly coddling😄😄. My ex did that but also did extreme parenting, grounding when it didn’t warrant it, bought things to make them feel better about themselves, after playing up. (I’ll get you … if you behave ) at the end of the day, there’s no guide to parenting, so what chance have we got parenting in an abusive home😔one of the parents is always going to be put down, ridiculed by the other. Hopefully that old adage of the children are better with 2 parents than coming from a broken home will disappear from our society. Change is happening, and the process is so flaming slow.Best wishes Maddog, remember you’re doing great, and you’re all worth having a peaceful life.
IWMB 💕💕
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Well well… I don’t know if this is good news or not. Ex has been advised by his solicitor to make contact with me only through the written word. I asked him to do this months ago.
(Detail removed by moderator).
I have forwarded screenshots of the messages to my solicitor.
At least we no longer have to endure verbal exchanges.
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