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Ex came too close for comfort and I panicked. I think I actually suffered PTSD. Of course he had gone when they arrived but I’m so exhausted. He has a so called business that he hides behind allowing him to come close to where I live with a legitimate reason. Legitimate for the police too. Doesn’t matter that he has a criminal conviction for assault I’ve tried so hard to stay in my home town. I saw him yesterday too. We stopped at traffic lights right next to each other. I had my mum in the car and I laughed really loudly. He saw me. I don’t even know why I laughed. I think it was nerves. But that’s probably why he decided to come today. I forgot how exhausting being traumatised was. I thought I’d come so far. Then he just pulls the rug. Maybe I should move town. I can still visit my friends and family. I’m so anxious again about going out.
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New day new person. I’m going nowhere. He can play his petty games all he likes. I’m not playing anymore. I’m going nowhere. He might have left me with PTSD but that’s a price worth paying to be rid of him. I won’t be intimidated. That girl is gone. It’s my life and I choose how I feel and today I choose to feel strong and empowered and happy! Coming near me just reminds me of how lucky I am to be free. Stay strong ladies x
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Yes these incidents are not coincidental, abusers try and come into our presence, or Sphere of influence. Its called everpresence. I read a book about it. Don’t panic yet. From what I’ve read he could have been triggered by you (song on the radio, someone with your name etc) in that thoughts of you came into his head. He then goes to try an attempted hoover or just to come into your vicinity/space. He’s attempting a hoover, a reaction, to get into your headspace. Its awful but according to a well known abuser who writes books on how abusers think, abusers think they always own us and will never stop attempting hoovers with us. Even decades later. When I read that I felt low but now I know I just have to remain steadfast and when he does come into my presence I just have to erect my contact barrier up really high.
My fellow is quite regularly sniffing around just appearing and I end up seeing his ugly mug. And he’s got a victory. He got me to look at him. Its so frustrating as I never want to set eyes on him again and its like he’s saying I won’t let that happen that you go strict No Contact with me. He’s got a new woman so you wonder why he’d bother.
Don’t panic and just observe. You haven’t got a pattern of him turning up in your radar yet. I mark on a calendar the days he comes into my radar (with a red mark), and by this I have managed to which I have narrow down his sightings of me in the last few months (we too live close by).
Assess how many times he has come into your line of vision at the end of 6 months and then you can choose whether to move etc. If the pattern is he only manages to come into your radar twice a year well maybe that will be ok.
It shows how little they have going on for them, that they would waste the time and energy trying to get a rise from us when we have moved on so much from them.
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Thanks lonc. You are so right. Big shock, I thought he’d moved on but they never really do. I’ve always pushed the boundary right back. It’s always worked in the past. Now I cannot push back I know his behaviour will escalate. He just can’t help himself. Who would want to come near their ex wife anyway. How close is close before the police will take action? Coming to the door or looking in the window is what they said. The last time they asked me to go down and take his photo! At least I know where I stand. I will log every sighting. The anti stalking helpline gave me some good tips about logging dates times locations witnesses and my reactions.
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Sorry to hear this, KIP.
I have also read about what LONC mentions too- ever presence. What’s strikes me about this is how pathetic these abusers are. They act like they are the tough ones, and tell everyone how dramatic/ mad we are, yet they don’t go away. If we were that bad, they’d be off and wouldn’t look back!
It’s because- as you always used to say, KIP- they are nothing without us, and we are everything without them. They can’t bear the fact that we haven’t crumbled, and might even be (gasp) enjoying life without them.
My ex regularly parks right across my drive to pick up my youngest- though he promised (Detail removed by moderator) he would not come on to my road. I deal with it by not going anywhere near the front of the house when he’s there. If I can’t face to face with him, I think it’s only not that i think I could deal with it and just ignore him. But then I think I deal with it almost by pretending he us not really there- not sure if that’s healthy or not. But maybe now, if I saw him, I could go on autopilot too and almost pretend he wasn’t real. We all have our coping mechanisms. No contact had almost made him not real to me.
It must have been awful to be so close to him in traffic. Once, my ex passed a road where I was parked. He spotted me, suddenly reversed and began to park behind me- no doubt either to block me in or to approach me. I found myself turning on the engine and speeding off as fast as I could!
I think these abusers are truly pathetic. They act like they are so much in power and in control- but they need to affect us to feel that power. So they are in fact the dependent ones.
I hope you’ve recovered a bit from the trigger, KIP.
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Thinking long and hard about moving. I used to think it was weak of women to move but I’m beginning to understand it’s the mental damage that continues. The uncontrollable panic that only comes from seeing him now. Everything else is improving. I’m more angry at myself that I lost control. I think it was PTSD. I was hysterical and stuttering! I was so convinced I was over it. Some wounds are too deep. The law says that someone who attacked you and has a conviction for attacking you can come to where you live and they’re not breaking the law because they have permission to be there. That’s a battle I can’t win and I’m really too tired to try. My only concern is that if I move locally he can keep using this excuse to intimidate. If I move too far, I lose my support network.
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Don’t move. It will be another thing he’s forced you into if you do. You freaked out – so what? The next day you were up and fighting back. other things have got better this will too.
Stand your ground – if you love where you live stick with it.
I see my ex from time to time. We share the same town hes one end I’m the other, he moved in from elsewhere when we got together – I wish he’d go back! When our paths cross inwardly I’m shaky and feeling sick outwardly I’m showing my confident smile and my proud to be alive walk (then I go home and crumble but he’s not to know that 😁).
Think about your amazing journey and all you’ve achieved – don’t let the presence of one insignificant male being stop you doing what you want and being where you want to be.
Log the infringements and keep smiling x*x -
Thanks WhiteRose. Wise words indeed. Yes outwardly when he was at the traffic lights I laughed. It was involuntary and I think it’s a self preservation thing. I laughed during the final assault. He didn’t find it funny then either 😂. It seems to be when I’m trapped in the house that all my bravado leaves, knowing he’s seconds away from coming up sends me loolah. I’m staying away for a couple of days to gather my strength. The police sergeant said my case was the worst he’d encountered and if they could lock him up they would. It’s not their fault the law is so useless. I feel like a sitting duck in that house but hopefully that feeling will pass. The other thing bothering me is his ‘customer’ walks his dog right past my home and I keep finding dog poo on my front grass. It’s disgusting. I’ve thought of cctv. Victim Support might help me with that.
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