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Is it common for abusers to criticise you as a mum? When we were together he told me he could never tell me I’m a good mum. Now we’re separated he keeps criticising my parenting, telling me I don’t love the kids as much as him. He’s also told the kids I’m a bully.
I think I’m an ok mum. I love my kids so much. I did have post natal depression but that was years ago but he still brings it up.
I feel a bit broken generally at the moment but the stuff about me as a mum is getting to me the most. I guess it’s tied up with me feeling guilty about leaving and questioning whether breaking up the family makes me a bad mum.
Just wondering if this is common…
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You are not a bad mum, far far from it… you also didn’t break your family up, he did with his behaviours. He is trying to get to you by calling you a bad mum as you are a good mum it upsets you, also he knows you are a good mum and is undermining you and putting you down… you hold your head up, you are amazing and strong… ❤️
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So common he will say anything to u that he knows will hurt you the most and unfortunately the only link u have now is the kids so he will use them to hurt you in the worst possible way. Lucky you are are out I’m still
Stuck and he makes kids feel sorry for him they are sick honestly. Stay strong and just let him know that you are a good mum and you do not need anyone to remind you of this if he knows it’s what will hurt u he will always use this to get to you x -
” I guess it’s tied up with me feeling guilty about leaving and questioning whether breaking up the family makes me a bad mum.”
I don’t know if you realise it but you just hit the nail on the head.
Abusers are very skilled at working out which buttons to push. This seems to be a very strong trigger for you and he knows it. He’s using it as a lever. If he can convince you that you are a bad mother then you’ll come to the conclusion that splitting up the family and taking the kids away from their father proves what a terrible mother you are. Infact, the opposite is true.
Removing children from an abusive household is a brave, positive and selfless act. My biggest regret is that I didn’t leave whilst my kids were young. Growing up in an abusive household has harmed them in a way that is very difficult to undo.
Don’t let your history of PND make you feel guilty. PND is not your fault and doesn’t make you a bad mother. Having battled through it for the sake of your children proves your love and dedication to them. This is further proved by your decision to leave. He’s playing on your fears, it’s what abusers do. Your fears are unfounded; from what you’ve revealed in your post, you seem like a great mother to me. xx
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Eggshells is bang on. My ex constantly tells me that I’m a bad mother, that i let them do whatever they want and he’s never been allowed to have a voice.
The irony being that his is the only voice we ever heard.
They do pick the things they know will get to us and he knows you love your children and worry about them because you are a good mother.
I also wish I had left when my children were smaller- the effects of living with an abusive n********t father have affected them so much. I feel guilty about that.
Keep doing what you are doing x -
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Calling me a bad mother is part of the verbal abuse I experience. I am not a bad mother and neither are you. He reels off stuff like:
– they’re behind at school because of you – but they are not behind.
– you stick them on screens all day – I don’t yet he will happily give them iPads on v long train journeys (detailed removed by Moderator).
– you only arrange play dates so that you don’t have to interact with them – ridiculous, they love their friends coming over. They only see his family when he has them.
– you let them get in your bed because you want them to be babies forever. They aren’t allowed in his room until after (detailed removed by Moderator).
– you feed them c**p. I actually cook and bake whereas he regularly gives them tinned food, burgers and tons of sweets.
– they’ll turn out like my older sons (both lovely, professional decent young men).
– you sent your (detailed removed by Moderator) to boarding school because you couldn’t be bothered with him. He was (detailed removed by Moderator) and elected to go, had a great time and excelled in his studies.
– your family hate you. My sons love me.
– your friends think you’re toxic. He latched onto a former friend who I dropped because she was flirting with my ex husband.
– your colleagues have issues with you. I complained of being bullied by a former boss, as did (detailed removed by Moderator) other people.
– you only do stuff with them that you like. I found then a football team and pay all the subs. I take them to museums, exhibitions, theatre, cinema and historical buildings. He hates all of the above.
– I remember when you hit [our son]. I didn’t, I went to grab him to stop him falling (detailed removed by Moderator) and caught his neck, whereas social services because involved after he hit them and they told their teacher.
I could go on. Trouble is, when people meet him, the first thing they say is ‘he’s so charming, what a lovely dad’. People choose to ignore my version of him because he can put on the ‘great dad’ cloak, has a good job and a posh voice, buy everyone drinks and call the kids darling.
Phew, typing that out was cathartic!
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