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Why are these sometimes worse than the bad days? The calm days trick you into thinking you’re in a normal relationship. It brings back memories before things got bad. When we got on. We still have the same views and values on a lot of things but it’s us (or I’d say he) that has changed. We’ve just had a couple of calm days but then last evening I made an innocuous comment and he went off again. How all I’ve done is take from him and I am not supportive and… I can’t even remember it all. But I just kept my mouth shut and let it pass. I often tell myself to think about what I’m saying before I say it but sometimes I forget. I get pulled into that false sense of normalcy. So now I just keep my mouth shut when it’s kicking off. I used to stick up for myself against what he was telling me I was but get accused of fighting him. I can’t keep trying to defend who I am as I am finally learning that I will never be right about anything.
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Im with you. Ive had a couple of weeks calm but now I feel it brewing that anger bubbling up inside him and I know hes gonna blow. I cant ever relax even whwn its calm you are always wary and like you it makes me so sad.
Calm doesnt mean nice though it just means they arent shouting or saying nasty comments or in my case constantly harrassing me for sex. I wonder what its like to have a whats called normal supportive marriage if those men are like this if its just me? I often doubt myself I doubt its wrong I blame myself for over reacting Im batshit crazy its all on me. Ive stopped arguing back too whats the point we wont ever win.
Sorry my god im no help at all am I you came here for advice not me moaning. I want to tell you to stay strong to believe in yourself and all that you feel. To reach out to someone you trust to talk openly and honestly about what you are going through as you dont have to do this alone there are people out there who want to help you dont have to live this way sweetie. This is on him not on you, read, learn , talk and arm yourself with as much infomation as you can that will help you in your darkest days.
Stay safe and stay strong. Xxxx -
Totally relate to you post and yes the calm can be worse.
It’s a head spin and if you’re like me still feeling raw and upset from the nastiness that’s been happening to then be expected to just forgive and forget.
I find my mental health takes a turn for the worse too. I go from fight or flight to a sudden slump as yes it’s calm and I’m relaxed but then all the hurt and confusion hits me.
It’s definitely as bad if not worse. It’s said to be a strong part of the cycle as you’re being pulled back in again.
Best thing is to get some support, as nbumblebee, who has been really supportive says read and educate and then some more it really helps to untangle things.
Use the calm to build yourself up, grow and do things for you if you can.
Take care
CB X
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I agree completely. What you say about watching what you say or often in my case how I say it becomes normal, but then when things are calm and you’re off guard slightly and you say something that’s then taken wrong or out of context…it’s so hard! And I now feel anxious on the calm days, I’m waiting for it to kick off again. Like nbumblebee says, I too often wonder what ‘normal’ marriages are like, what it must feel like to just ‘be’. I think I’ve spent so long being what I think I’m supposed to be I don’t even know anymore!
But this is no help, I’m sorry, but know that you’re not alone x -
Thank you for replies. Makes me feel not so alone here.
Today turned out similar. Even when I say things I think will please him it just got turned on its head. Little comments that feel like they’re being said to try and get a reaction. That he wants me to disagree so there’ll be a full on argument. Now I just agree or ignore it and carry on doing my own thing. I just hate the false sense of security that makes me let my guard down. It makes me question myself too like maybe I am a bad person and need to change and try harder which is all I get told.
I don’t think we’re ever going back to “normal”. We have no physical relationship and it’s like the elephant in the room. I get told he won’t make an effort as he says I used to reject him all the time so he doesn’t bother. Obviously I don’t think that’s true. And I’ve told him how can you expect me to want to be with you when you are the way you are. I don’t know what to do half the time and don’t know how things are going to end up. I’ve been feeling so short of breath a lot recently and am sure it’s anxiety. The last time we had a physical altercation I had a panic attack and was breathing so fast, I just couldn’t catch it. All I get asked is what’s wrong with me, like laughing at me, and saying I’m a w****o.
It is sad – who knows what a “normal” marriage is. It’s not this that’s for sure, but hopefully we can all work towards a better way of living, one way or another.
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