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    • #13836
      Starmoon
      Participant

      It’s called the verbally abusive relationship. I came across the book after googling various things in relation to abuse (deciding if it’s abuse is consuming me). I read an article that someone had written about how she’d been in a verbally abusive relationship, and it isn’t exactly as it sounds, it’s more a manipulative relationship.. How she always had the nagging feeling she was quashing her boundaries to fit his etc… Anyway she suggested this book and I skim read the first few pages to come across a title in bold ‘does relationship counseling ever help’… And it stated that generally no it doesn’t. How the manipulater usually knows how to play it and most counselors are trained to see any problem as belonging equally.. however some are more up on domestic abuse and if they pick up on lines such as “she blows things out of proportion”.. (Probably a c**p example) and they suspect domestic abuse… They will immediately separate the couple for one to one counseling. This is exactly what the counselor in our two sessions suggested. And he was keep that we didn’t attend each other’s sessions….

    • #13839
      godschild
      Participant

      Every person who is expert in Domestic Abuse will tell you to never have couples councelling, abuse is not a marraige issue, its abuse. It does not work the abusers manipulate it to their opn ends. The councellor you saw must have seen that was how it was and suggested individual , that will have set him off, they won’t face their demons, mine goes on and one and on at me to have couples councelling but I am wise and will not do it, we had some man many years ago and he just covered up and lied and a few years ago the same, I ended up walking out.
      Many councellors just don’t have a clue about abuse they are trained in a certian way and it often ends up saying yo are part of the problem when you are not.

    • #13857
      moongazinghedgehog
      Participant

      I tried to get my ex-husband to couples counselling and he refused outright. I also know someone else who tried to get their spouse to go. We were both desperate to save our relationships; to make them right. We can both see that our spouses were abusive and that they were afraid to face up to the facts of what they were doing and the impact that it was having. They were afraid that someone who knew what a healthy relationship should be like would tell them that they are doing it wrong. I’m glad that they refused to go as both myself and the other person are free now and able to be ourselves.

      In fact, my primary abuser (my mum) has told me that she tried counselling once and it made her feel worse as it dragged it all up and made her feel upset. She prefers to hide from it and pretend that all is well. This is what they do. I think she was expecting the counsellor to tell her that everything is okay and that she did all the right stuff. Hah.

    • #13860
      Starmoon
      Participant

      Godschild you sound like you’ve been suffering a long time, thank you for all your lovely replies to me on here. I hope you find courage and strength here too, especially if you’re still living with yours. And thank you for your reply too.
      I’d be interested to know if the counselor did spot something.. I was suprised he wanted us to have individual sessions since we were there as a couple… I think I’m going to go back to the counseling even though we aren’t together. I emailed relate and they also deal with domestic abuse… At a cost- but then I was willing to pay to save my relationship so maybe I should be willing to pay to save myself.
      Interestingly enough, after the counselor had suggested us having individual sessions, my now ex was suddenly sure he didn’t need to see a counselor anyway because I’m the problem

    • #13863
      Escaped not free
      Participant

      I also was advised by a specialist solicitor not to engage in counselling or mediation. My partner has refused to move anything forward financially until I agree to meet him face to to face. He’s now been charged with among other things stalking. They use this as a tactic to abuse further. No contact is the key. I can’t do this in counselling x

      • #13866
        godschild
        Participant

        Yes starmoon, several decades, I have suffered I have agoraphobia and monophobia a dreaded fear of being alone so Im dependant on him.
        I did not acknowlede or see that it was abuse until about (detail removed by moderator) years ago,
        I was in denial but around christmas he was so horrible and cruel that it all came to light and now I see his every move to abuse me in many ways some subtle,somenot.
        You are worth the councelling, it will really help you.
        Yours now says he dosent need it as he knows one to one he will held accountable and have to look at himself, mine is hellbent on proving that I amvthe course. Iknow I am notand I wont tolerate him saying it to me anymore
        They are cowardly and wont face what they do,in joint councelling he would have most likely manipulated the situation to blame you and it seems your councellor saw that,could you ask him why he suggested seperately.

    • #13884
      Starmoon
      Participant

      Oh godschild, do you have the support from anyone? I hope that we on here have offered the support you’ve given me.
      I think I will ask the counselor why he suggested that once I’m stronger x

    • #13906
      godschild
      Participant

      Hi Starmoon, I have been having telephone supprt once a week from WA, but she is leaving at the end of the month and she offered me someone new, but its only once a fornight for the next 3 months
      I have found someone who does telephone councelling or by skype so may look more into that if this new WA worker doesnt work out.

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