- This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 4 days, 3 hours ago by
NotYourMaid.
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4th February 2025 at 11:19 am #173902
Samantha-Sam
ParticipantI’ve agreed to go to counselling with my wife (same sex marriage) to see if we can save our marriage for the sake of our three young children. Can she change? It’s so deep within her that she doesn’t acknowledge that she is controlling me. I have only just realised it myself when a friend was honest with me about what they are seeing. Since then, I have researched what it is and other than the physical abuse, she ticks all the other boxes. I filed for divorce as I can’t continue to live like this, a shell of a person. Because I have filed, she is taking this more seriously than other arguments we have had. She asked me to go to counselling otherwise I ‘can’t hand on heart say I have tried everything’. I also believe that if this goes to court, it will look better if I say I have tried. But is this controlling me again? I feel a bit deceitful because she has gone back to being ‘normal’ around me, minus the verbal abuse.
Has anyone gone through this and had a relationship at the end of it? I am not sure if I can ever really over her again so is it fair on me to go back with her just because of the kids? I could possibly carry on if the controlling stopped and the verbal abuse stopped, but it wouldn’t be a typical loving relationship…just co-parenting under the same roof.
I keep doubting my decisions. My family are protective because they have only just found out, although they have suspected for years. Some think counselling is a good way to appease her and make co-parenting easier in the long run, some say I should just stuck to the divorce and be done with it but all agree that in the end we will not romantically be together.
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4th February 2025 at 11:59 am #173903
minimeerkat
Participantit wouldnt be fair to say people cannot change but when their behaviours are deeply ingrained it could take a very long time to see any changes – and even then its whether these changes are then enough. the person could need a lot of professional help to make these changes & then perhaps improve in some ways but possibly only for a certain period of time. they do not usually recommend counselling as a couple for this type of thing & thats only because of the risk of a counseller being manipulated by the person – meaning theres then the risk of you ending up feeling responsible for your partners behaviour towards you. when you mention that your partner does not actually acknowledge how she is treating you it could make things much more difficult – as i have learnt myself that someone has to actually want to be a better person. they actually have to want to get help – but this means they have to acknowledge any behaviour that is damaging the relationship
its quite common for a partner once ‘threatened’ with something like divorce to want to hang on to the relationship. but a big question is whether you feel within your heart that you could trust this person again in the future – even if you witness any changes . its a decision only you can make & understandable that thoughts of trying everything will be on your mind. so even if you do agree to the counselling just be aware of what might happen during this & try not to let anything make you doubt yourself
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4th February 2025 at 9:22 pm #173909
Samantha-Sam
ParticipantThank you Minimeerkat. I never thought about the counsellor being manipulated too. I suppose it’s not right to speak to the counsellor before the sessions begin, they probably have a code or something.
i definitely don’t want what happened last time and we just discussed all her mental health issues and how I could support her more and see things from her perspective… I suppose that is showing the counsellor was manipulated into thinking it was a 50:50 issue between partners. Hmmm .
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4th February 2025 at 8:08 pm #173907
Lisa
Main ModeratorHi Samantha-Sam,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here.
Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.
Best wishes,
Lisa
Forum Moderator -
5th February 2025 at 8:06 am #173920
EvenSerpentsShine
ParticipantI can only speak from my own experience but I think it is very possible for counselors to be manipulated. In my experience abusive people can also be very charming and plausible and can wrap a mental health professional around their little fingers.
In my case the abuser has spent his life building a ‘false self’ and this false self is better than a real human. I know that sounds weird. But it’s true! Of course those who see behind it realize what’s going on, but to an outsider, this is a really well put together person. I choose those words carefully.He also appeared to believe completely his own victim/martyr story and had collected a great deal of ‘evidence’ to back it up, from years ago. I knew that the ‘evidence’ was where you could spot his delusion and fantasy world, but nobody else knows that because they weren’t there and it’s my word against his.
If you do get bullied into going to counseling (so that you “hand on heart have tried your best”!), maybe insist that you choose the counselor. Find someone who is experienced in dealing with domestic abuse. But personally I would say, avoid it.
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7th February 2025 at 1:26 am #173973
NotYourMaid
ParticipantI don’t know about a coercive controller ever changing… but I do think that it depends on the person, the kind of abuse, and a lot of other factors. The reason I say this is because growing up, my parents were not the best of parents. They didn’t mean any harm, but… my siblings and I all ended up with childhood trauma, and have had to go to therapy and take medication for it. All of us. My parents were borderline abusive. They didn’t respect our boundaries, because they believed that children don’t have boundaries.
They were somewhat neglectful. Depending on what country you’re from though, because I once told someone from another country what my childhood was like, the guy looked kind of angry and said that if that would have happened in his country, my parents would be in jail. But what my parents did was completely legal in my country. So… yeah…
What my parents did still hurts me and my siblings to this day. But!
My parents have changed. For the better. Like a lot.
They stopped doing and saying a LOT of the hurtful things they used to say and do.
But… it took more than a decade for this change to happen. It took many, many years. It was a reeeeaaaallly slow process. It was reeeeaaally painful. And, my siblings and I all had to put down boundries and be firm about it. Like, I had to tell my father that if he kept insulting me, that I was going to go no contact permanently, with both him and my mother. Considering that I’ve gone no contact for large periods of time with them before, he knew I meant it, so he stopped.
Another thing, is that if you stay/live with your abuser, or in my case, visiting past semi-abusive parents, the abuse starts creeping back in. Even if they don’t mean it. They revert to old patterns of behavior. So my sisters keep their visits to my parents extremely short. And I only stay with my parents as a last resort.
But they did change for the better.
To summarize: In my opinion, some abusers can change for the better. But ONLY if they want to, and ONLY if they feel motived to. DON’T live with an abuser. Keep visits extremely short. Set boundaries (if you can’t set any boundaries, like, because it’s too dangerous, this means that they won’t actually change). And it takes a reeeeeaaaaaalllly long time for them to change. Don’t expect sudden changes. It’s not a few months change sort of thing. It’s a years kind of thing.
Again, this is just my opinion. And it depends on the situation. Like my husband is abusive. But I don’t think he can change.
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