Can Abusers Really Change?

[Moonagedaydreamx]

I left my former fiancé of (detail removed by Moderator) years who we have a child with.
I had to deal with years of mental and physiological abuse and I’ve only just plucked up the strength to leave and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I felt completely traumatised and drained of any life I had in me.
He contacts me to say he will change and he is willing to do anything to have his family back. Willing to wait however long it takes. Willing to undergo therapy sessions for his anger problems. However I’ve noticed cracks are already starting to show in his personality. He was best behaviour for a couple of days. Now if he doesn’t like what I’m saying or I cancel a meet up for him to see his daughter I will receive horrible messages accusing me of being with someone else or talking to someone else. Accusing me of trying to erase our child’s mind of him, saying I’m not really Ill cos how can I do other things in the day if I’m apparently so Ill, he will hang up the phone with anger and also I will have 6+ more missed calls after the nasty messages. I ignore all of this to then receive an apology the next day nearly everytime without fail.
Sometimes he can become very overwhelming and I feel like this is only a manipulation tactic to get me back home.

My question is, if abusers want to, can they really change?
Thank you for reading 🙂

[Eggshells]

Apparently it’s very rare for abusers to change. Personally, I have never heard of a named case where an abuser has changed.

Going to therapy to get his family back is the wrong reason to go to therapy. He needs to want therapy because he wants to become a better person. That needs to be his primary aim. Getting his family back may or may not be a by product of that. A better person would understand and accept that.

If he’s talking about going to therapy to get his family back then he’s not in the right headspace for therapy to make any difference.

You’re right to think that this is a manipulative tactic. You’ve done brilliantly to get out – my advice is to stay out.

Even if he does miraculously change, (the one and only to manage it) you’ll always be far too scarred and wary to ever be able to trust him.

[Moonagedaydreamx]

Hi Eggshells!
Thank you for your response.
I completely agree when you say he should have therapy because he himself wants to be a better person.
I also unfortunately believe this person can not change.

I’m already on eggshells when we do have to communicate due to childcare reasons. I can’t ever afford to put myself back in that vulnerable place again that was so hard to escape from. X

[Camel]

It’s amazing how many abusers promise they’ll do everything to change, but only once you’ve escaped. Suddenly they seem to develop insight and are sorry for everything. We have to wonder why it took them so long. Your ex isn’t going to let you go easily. He believes you ‘owe’ him another chance. He believes he owns you and can dictate what you do with your time. If you can, cut all contact and formalise child access.

[Iwantmeback]

No in a nutshell. Mine too promised to change, went to therapy, stopped that when he realised it didn’t work, as in I didn’t go back to him. He’s threatened suicide, accused me of seeing others, both male and female. He’s stalked me, started arguments then told me he doesn’t want to argue, and would I stop being aggressive. He’s played the victim so many times I’m surprised he’s not turned into a wolf. Now he does have a serious health problem, karma does work, and I don’t care one way or another how it affects him, BUT I go with him to appointments, even though I want nothing to do with him, I still go to those bl..dy appointments. Why, why am I doing this.
IWMB

[StrongLife]

Mine said he would go to therapy but never did – it was just a tactic. I left soon after – caught in the “hope he would change “ that never occurred- it was me to changed instead and got out the best way I could at the time.

[ABALTP]

mine went to therapy when I left him the first time. We attended together for a year, I believed he’d changed. took me another 5 years to admit he hadn’t, he just got better at the subtle insults and manipulation. When I told him I was leaving again the gloves came off and he showed his true self. He went back to therapy for 4 weeks 2nd time I left, and when he saw I wasn’t going to join him and it wasn’t going to work again, he quit. I’m sorry, I don’t think they change. Only now learning the depth of some of the things he did, I genuinely believed it was me not keeping to my side of the ‘therapy bargain’

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