18th December 2019 at 10:58 am #93738
Heres the situation;
Dad isnt around. I (mum) somehow think he is because he says he is… hes constantly on the phone to me, expecting things. But goes to the house when the kids are in bed. He goes to TAC meetings, and sides with the professionals, in a way that he says is him being caring. The house is disgusting. So, health professionals say that I am neglecting the kids. School say that I dont dress kids properly. I mean, he never took the kids to appointments, because he was not there! The youngest was behind from birth, but showed me her true self. I told everyone the child could do more, but they said because they didn’t see it, she must be behind, and I am mental.
I get done by the powers for neglecting the kids and he is heralded because he takes them in, and gives them to sitters. And, gets his mother and the like to take the kids to docs, except once when he was trying to say that fixing a child’s ear problem wont help her hearing. Like he wants her to be diagnosed autistic, because if she isn’t autistic, it shows that taking her away from me mentally damaged her.
It is not helped that we were best mates at school and I stupidly told him my life story and so he says my neglect of the kids is because I was, and look traumatized because of my childhood. I am now mentally strong, and able to see things better.
I am wondering, did I neglect the kids, or did/does he because he pines responsibility off to others, so they take the fall?
18th December 2019 at 12:17 pm #93743HettyParticipant
I don’t know your personal situation fully but what I can say is sadly these men gaslight and are master manipulators. They can charm professionals and make out they are hero’s. What I never understood when I worked in a related field was how these men abused women so they were unable to parent then they come swooping in a get care of the kids. I’d hoped things might have moved on.
There is strong evidence showing how attachment difficulties overlap with autistic traits. Therefore children who’ve had disrupted care (being removed from their parents etc) will display behaviours very similar to autistic traits. Have you sought legal advice?
20th December 2019 at 5:33 pm #93943
Wow. That is rather helpful actually.
It makes it sound very purposeful. I did find it odd that he ‘committed’ to a relationship after I had given birth to my first child and demanded PR when she was given to him, because I was “unfit.”
I have sought legal advice, and they said it was too soon to go back. But, now I have been to the toolbox. I can see it clearer. I can see the impact on the kids. I mean he was trying to get the shared child diagnosed as autistic, but now I realise that because he wasnt actually around when she was a baby… she doesnt see him as a parent (if that makes sense) and like you said when she was removed from me, she behaved closed off and just… off… and now i am fighting school, who listen to him of course, and say that she is too “slow” to understand simple words, when she is home she is not like that. I think that she is “behind” due to the abuse, rather than the ‘neglect’ that others saw. I know, my house was a state, and due to having to pay him back for stuff all the time, i didnt have money to sort that.. Its amazing what we don’t see, at the time.
20th December 2019 at 5:40 pm #93944HettyParticipant
Is she being assessed for Autism? They should be consulting you. A mental health professional should be considering trauma in the first instance for understanding issues. Were issues raised in early years by health visitor?
20th December 2019 at 6:01 pm #93949
No. They just saw the outside. I didnt realise it when she was younger. I wasnt asked my pov becasue she was removed from my care when she had (detail removed by moderator). She was assessed, and basically told she had (detail removed by moderator). When they visited her with me, she was not herself she just laid there, but then so did I. I kept quiet and was only really myself when there were no professionals around.
20th December 2019 at 6:04 pm #93950
health visitor basically saw that the house was a mess and said I was not seeing her cues (she didnt have any) and kept saying that I was neglecting her, and so she was concerned that my child would be abused in later life because of it. Her dad went to TAC meetings and lied, and looked like superman, but wasnt there the rest of the time. Its a mess of a situation, not easy to explain.
I told them what she was capable of and they basically said they hadnt seen it, and nor did he, so I was a fruit loop.
20th December 2019 at 6:14 pm #93952
The school, and my ex is saying she is too slow to comprehend words/meaning of words. this is not my child. But, I wonder if the school, and my ex are seeing the… autistic due to emotional hurt child… but, I know that the signalong and treating her like she has autism isn’t helping.
I mean, what is worse is she is told she is seeing me one week, and her dad the next, and he isnt actually there. His girlfriends family look after her. Its dememnted.
20th December 2019 at 6:19 pm #93953[email protected]Participant
can you prove that he isnt present? that she gets panned off. this isnt goodfor her as the professionals will agree. i was told if i could prove that he was panning her off his intentions are clear.hes not that interested = hes trying to punish you xxmay be safe guarder could be put in place? xx
20th December 2019 at 6:54 pm #93958
Well.. I am hoping to do that next TAC meeting. my eldest is sent to a child minder over one side of the town on his week, and my other child is with his girlfriends family. he doesnt finish work til the evening. My eldest has said that she has dinner with her sibling at my exs girlfriends house in the evenings, and I have that on paper from a professional speaking to her. I know its a round about way of saying it. I’m trying to gather hard evidence but its hard because I have asked for adresses of people that look after my kids and his answer is that I have his number and thats all i need in emergency. The professionals are in his pocket, and dont seem to see the issue. I am jealous of his relationship… which I know is pants, I mean he has been trying it on since we broke up years ago.
20th December 2019 at 6:56 pm #93959
Its “funny” I mean he plays that loving father infront of the right people, as they do. My eldest is upset by him not saying bye to her, yet his child rolls her eyes when he says it, and shes very young. I’m just sick of people brushing this stuff under the carpet, I feel like I am living in Derry (from IT)
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