This topic contains 16 replies, has 13 voices, and was last updated by  teabag 4 weeks ago.

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  • #70533
     Sadness 
    Participant

    Ok I just wanted to ask this question .Has any any positive story’s that there abuser went for help and turned his life around .I am a believer in life that people can change but what stops an abuser from changing if they really want to .Just looking for positive story’s as I have read enough negitive to do my a life time .ITs just so hard getting my head around this and am trying to understand .

  • #70534
     Twisted Sister 
    Participant

    Dear Sadness

    Is this your hope? That things can remain the same and he will stop being abusive?

    You wouldn’t be any different to anyone else wishing for this, if so and I am.sorry to hear that you are experiencing this.

    It can happen, I dont think it’s common sadly, but I think there are many organisations out there now that will try to keep abused women wy their abusers.

    I think it might help if you speak to the helpline as they can best advise you on the likelihood of an abuser reforming.

    Warmest wishes ts

    • #72542
       TheNileRiver 
      Participant

      I have heard one story about an abuser changing. A therapist I had went to told me about it. I found it odd she would give me that kind of hope. I don’t think we should wait around for that person to change. Every time things got better in my relationship, I mean months could go by and BOOM he would snap. Sober or drunk. That moment we could be waiting could be our final moment. Its not worth it.

  • #70535
     Sadness 
    Participant

    Thank you for reply twisted sister .Im just trying to get my head around evening and I see people turn there lives around and change but I don’t understand why abuser can’t seem too and just wanted to see was there anyone on here that there abuser got help and they did change .I am just in the worst stage and finding it hard I don’t want to be a lone parent with 4 kids but I also don’t want to live unhappy it wasn’t always bad but the last year it has been I wish I was like the woman that walks away after the first time !!

  • #70536
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Sadness, it’s the enormity of what they do to us, it literally turns out world upside down. I’ve read so many books on this very subject now, my husband’s behaviour is described to a T every time. I’ve been on American forums, and their country is vast compared to ours and I’ve still yet to read about a happy ever after😪. It’s just that we see the good in people and because we would change how we behave so we wouldn’t deliberately cause them hurt or we’d apologise and try not to do something again, these men dont and won’t. They could if they wanted to, it’s just I don’t think they really want to. Their needs are filled in the way they treat us, it’s messed up, and doesn’t make sense but eventually we see it for what it is and when that realisation hits us, that’s our first step to leaving them. Whether its just emotionally or we physically walk away from them, only we can decide that. I am emotionally away from my husband, physically, I’m trying. I have put plans in place, I’m talking to certain people who can help, it’s just making that final break that’s the hardest thing to do, I can’t imagines having to do this with children involved too.
    Best wishes IWMB 💕💕

  • #70537
     KIP. 
    Participant

    What stops an abuser changing if they really want to? The answer is that they just do not want to change. They get everything they want by their abusive behaviour so why would they want to change? Read Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That.
    I can give you a positive story. I once was so traumatised by abuse I couldn’t look people in the eye. I was too traumatised to leave the house and when I did leave the house I was so panicked I rushed back home to the very place my abuse was taking place. I was so scared and broken I was a shell of a human being. Abuse totally fills our headspace leaving no room for happiness and rational thinking. We go from one dark thought to the next. It affects our mental and physical health. It affects our interaction with our children and our family and friends. That’s if we have any left after our abuser has isolated us.
    Fast forward to several years of freedom. I’ve done so much. I have my life back. I go from one positive thought to the next. I’ve realised that my abuser was never my responsibility and he chose to abuse me and I will not allow that to ever happen again. I have positive relationships with family and friends. I have the freedom to make decisions without an abuser dragging me down or setting me up to fail. I have self esteem and self confidence. I am the strong woman I was before an abuser tried to suck the very life from me. I can sense the desperation in your post. It’s hard to see the bigger picture when you’re being abused but deep down ask yourself why you would really want this kind of person in your life and your children’s life. We are stuck in a FOG of abuse, Fear Obligation and Guilt. If not for these things, you would just walk away. So there are many positive posts from women who have walked away from abuse and are thriving. You can be that too. Contact your local women’s aid. Engage in therapy. Look to your core beliefs. What are your core beliefs. Are they reality. Abuse goes deep and needs determination to break free. The first step is accepting you are being deliberately abused by someone you thought loved you. It’s a painful realisation. There is lots of help out there. Start with the helpline on here or find your local women’s aid. Keep posting for support. You’re not alone x

  • #70538
     StrongerTogether 
    Participant

    Hello,
    I too, would love to hear a positive story!

    However, I’m thinking, for as long as we are the ones asking them/encouraging them to get help, they won’t change. Can a person really change their ways, if they think they can get away with abusive behaviour until they are confronted? And let’s face it, even then, carry on!
    Unless they’ve never been taught the difference between what is right and wrong, they know what they are doing is never okay. And then I think, could we ever give the same love back, after knowing they knowingly treated us the way they did, until we asked them not to?
    If they can go to get help off their own back, I think it might be different.

    ‘Honey, I have noticed my behaviour is inexcusable recently. I have booked an appointment with my GP to take a step to move forward and treat you with the love, care and respect you deserve. In the meantime, i think we should have some space from each other so that i don’t hurt you in any way whilst i’m figuring things out.’

    I may well be wrong, but that doesn’t sound like the kind of conversation my partner would EVER have with me. It doesn’t sound like it should come from someone abusive.

    Just thinking out loud…

  • #70545
     Sadness 
    Participant

    Hi stronger together .MY husband has said this to me and has a plan put in place but didn’t offer to leave for space and that’s what I need .I am physically sick over this my brain is going to explode I just want the man I fell in love with back !!he can do it I know he can but will he !!!

  • #70552
     KIP. 
    Participant

    The man you fell in love with does not exist. It’s a mask he wears to keep you trapped in an abusive relationship. Google the cycle of abuse. We stay for years hoping that charming loving person we first met will come back. It’s easy to talk. Mine taked for years but did nothing. Gaslighting for years while I stayed hoping things would change. They won’t. Save yourself x

  • #70558
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Its a bit like asking some one who has a deep entrenched religion to change their beliefs and culture. I don’t want to give you faulse hope but that may 1/1000. An abusers belief systems are inherent, theyve been developing since very early child hood. the society around then shapes them, its who they are. The positive is there are lots of descent people out there. Plenty fish in the sea, ask yourself what is so special about this guy? It might be worth looking into trauma bonding. This is a tough bond to break but doable with lots of help and support x*x luv diymum

  • #70576
     Helovesmehesays 
    Participant

    I want mine back too 😢 not coping so well today

  • #70600
     Landy 
    Participant

    My oh is an alcoholic. Going through the motions of change, but still tells me I drive him to abuse me and tells other people that I’m the abuser. He doesn’t want to change and his treatment is just something he’s doing to keep the cycle going. In his mind, he doesn’t need to change and until he sees that he does, he never will

  • #70601
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    I’ve been with my husband for decades. I hate the way he treats me yet I hate to call him an abuser but that’s ex actually what he is. It’s been months since his last episode probably because he knows after our last heart to heart that I just won’t put up with any more of his c..p.
    He’s had a few instances that he’s nearly lost it but he hasn’t. This is the time I’m choosing to put my ducks in a row. I c been to my doctor, saw WA and obe of their solicitors, I’ve filled out a housing firm as I dont want to live in our house once I leave, I have a leaning fund growing nicely. I’m clearing out my court, cultures ino longer wear, stuff I won’t take with me. This is the time to organise because when your in the middle of their abuse you can’t think clearly. I feel so bad doing this behind his back, I keep reminding myself that he doesnt feel bad when I’m on my knees begging him to just stop going on at me, getting hit for protecting my dog, getting told to leave or he’ll go, telling me he’s not eating what I’ve made cos it’s s..he,threatening to hurt me or the dogs, the list is endless as you know. It takes time to accept what our oh is, but you’re on here, you know somethings not right. Definately look into trauma bonding and FOG, they will open your eyes up more. They are the reason you want to believe him, but actions speak louder than words. Some abusers do go to their doctors, group theraoy meetings, then once they’ve hovered you back in, they revert bavk to toe, they say it’s a relapse abd they’ve done it once they’ll do it again but they need you to believe in them, they can’t do it without you. WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE😔
    We are not their reward for behaving well, their reward is being accepted by society, by not losing their tempers so quicky, by living their lives in peace.
    My OH isn’t wicked all the time, none of our partners are, but I can’t trust him to never make me feel worthless, useless, incredibly sad, frightened and numb, and that is why I’m leaving. I deserve to be happy, to smile without being accused of thinking of someone else, to not have to have sex because in all honesty the thought of doing that with him fills me with dread now. I keep getting reminded how many days it is since our last time, he can’t even get that right, it’s more than what he says.
    Take your time, you’ll be ready to accept when you’re ready, everyone is different. In the meantime journal his behaviour,date it and times to if you can remember(It’s difficult remembering even when somethings only happened an hour ago, but you’re memory will also get better the more knowledge you get) keep posting and reading others posts, you are an amazing lady who deserves so much more.

    Take care
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #70610
     Halfwayout 
    Participant

    Hi Sadness,Hang in there, I see your an optimist. I think we are all optimists on here and yes I’ve waited years for my OH to change as you get drip fed the moments of hope, but it is an act.
    One day your switch will flick and you will say no more, but for now you will beat yourself up.
    I would be interested in anyone’s views on Sam Vaknin, a self confessed reformed n********t. Personally, I dont get him.

  • #72549
     EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    I don’t believe he’s reformed. He’s found himself a niche and has used his diagnosis to make himself famous and rich.

    He still exhibits full n**c behaviours in his life, in fact he trades on that enormously. His wife says she is a co-dependent who’s father was a pathological n**c, and that she is comfortable with it. They have basically, an ‘arrangement’ for societal purposes. They don’t sleep together.

    I tried watching some interviews with him a while ago, but his arrogance annoyed the hell out of me, and he is very triggering.

  • #72578
     Tiffany 
    Participant

    Do I believe an abuser could change? Yes. Do I believe that an abuser would want to change? No. That’s the problem in a nutshell. They get the world spinning round them and a woman who will do literally anything to please them. They are physically and emotionally satisfied by being an abuser. They don’t care about hurting their victims – if they did they wouldn’t be abusive. So what is there in it for them to change.

    That logic was actually what convinced me to leave. He knew that he could treat me like s**t and I would run rings trying to make him happy. He wasn’t ever going to change his behaviour, because his behaviour made his life very nice, thank you very much, and making me happy wasn’t worth the effort of changing.

    My positive story is similar to Kip’s. I left. I recovered. I met a new man. He treats me better than I could ever have imagined. It is so different. I could leave at any time – there is nothing tying me to him. I have a happy life away from him, and I also enjoy being around him. It can happen, but it won’t as long as you are with an abuser.

  • #72596
     teabag 
    Participant

    All of us have sat there, many of us for years hoping and believing they will change. The ending of the story is…. the abuse got worse, he never changed.

    Don’t waste your time on waiting. Let him go, if while your apart he makes every effort to change only then review it. Be careful though, abusers like to tell you there trying to change or will change to keep you enmeshed.
    Think how hard it is for us to change something and understand how hard it is to help someone else to change, you can’t.

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