Can he ever change?

[Minion]

Hi, I’m new and also unsure whether I am experiencing emotional abuse or if I am just depressed when I am at home for some reason. I can’t seem to do anything right for my husband. He dislikes me going to work & doing any hobbies in the evenings & makes it difficult for me to get to them by being awkward about childcare arrangements. He also always needs to be right about everything & enjoys telling why I am wrong but gets annoyed when I try to avoid giving an opinion. I feel like I cry most days but often try not to do it in front of him because it makes him annoyed. I just want him to stop being annoyed at me & show me a tiny bit of affection. I’m working hard to try & be loving & caring towards him in the hope that it will make him happier but sometimes my resolve fails & I snap at him or the kids. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks. x

[cloudyday]

Hi Minion

Yes it is emotional abuse. I am experiencing much the same thing although I am not married to my partner, we don’t live together and have no children together. From my experience no matter how hard you try there will always be something wrong to put him in a bad mood. My partner too always has to be right and my opinion is discounted with everything but like you if I don’t give an opinion to avoid confrontation he accuses me of not being bothered. You are in a no win situation. What you have to realise is that you are a loving caring person and the problem is within him and not you. The fact he makes it difficult for you to do hobbies and even going to work is about having control over you. My partner over the (detail removed by Moderator) with him has managed to stop me doing all the things I enjoy, isolated me from family and friends and basically has tried to get total control of my life. The problem is they make you feel like you are the one in the wrong and to blame for their anger. Constantly trying to please but it will never work. Their behaviour makes crazy making behaviour from us. I am trying to regain control of my life now. I found that going to a counsellor really helped me and also reading up on emotional abuse and coercive control so I understood more the pattern of behaviour by my partner. Remember none of this is your fault.

[Minion]

Thanks cloudyday. You are experiencing it before marriage & kids-you should escape now! I feel like I really need to stay for the kids-it would completely disrupt their life & change it beyond recognition & they love their dad so much. I would do anything for them so I need to find a way to become stronger & not be upset by it. Any ideas? Has anyone managed this? x

[cloudyday]

Hi Minion

Yes it is a difficult one when children are involved and so much has been invested in the relationship but you need to think about yourself because if you are a happy person then the children are happier. They pick up on the anger and upset even though we try to shield them from it. Its so difficult not to be upset by the constant emotional abuse and to detach from it. Would he be willing to go together to some kind of couples counselling? Having said that my partner would never agree to it as nothing is his fault its me to blame for everything. I know all situations are different but I have been on my own with children and children are more resilient than you think. Unfortunately in most cases our partners will never change and we either have to live with it or get out. I’m still in my relationship hoping for that change but just when you get a few moments of happiness and you think yea I love this person and everything is going to be ok HE then sabotages it all by going back to his normal abusive controlling self. Sorry I cant be of more help to you.

[Rainbowcloud]

They never change and on my view the abuse always gets worse the more you put up with the more aviaive they become. I’m years into this now and your wasting your life on this person because they will never love you they aren’t capable of the love we experience I’m sorry to say.
To them it is is love but it’s not realistically if your hoping for change that day will never come. I grew up with an abisive step parent aswell and he has never changed in his (detail removed by Moderator) now and he still bullies and controls my mother who has never had a life because of him she always says she wish she could go back and leave then but it’s to late now don’t make that mistake

[lover of no contact]

No research has shown there is a 0.01% chance that the abusers will change. (See Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’).

They do not experience remorse and guilt like we do. They are devoid of empathy. So their behaviours get them what they want in life with others running around after them and doing what they want out of fear. They have no desire to change as they like the benefits from having Power and Control in their families, in their workplaces etc. They are kings of the castles wherever they go due to their behaviours.

The only counselling that is advised with an abuser is with a domestic-abuse trained counsellor. Normal counsellors who do not specialise in domestic abuse can be easily manipulated/charmed/taken-in by the abuser.

[Minion]

I’m starting to see that he will never change. Every time I try to discuss it or plead with him to treat me with kindness and respect he says that he does nothing wrong. And how do I think those accusations make him feel? And I’m too sensitive and I think the worst of him and twist his words to make them sound unkind in my head! Could anyone help me with a plan involving tiny steps to try and leave?

[timeforchange]

I have seen no change in my on/off bf of (detail removed by Moderator). He says he has anger issues and will go for anger management but never has. He has got worse and worse; thankfully I don’t have any children with him and he lives far enough from me that there is no chance of bumping into him in the street. I believe that if we did live together it would have been a complete nightmare. I have just joined these forums and I am getting a lot of strength from reading everyone’s stories. Thankyou

[Author]

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