Can he really change?

[Cherryblue]

I’m new to the forum and seeking some advice.

I’ve been married for a long time and have two school age children. My husband has always been short tempered and I can remember saying to him a long time ago now that I felt like I walked on eggshells. However it was just part of his personality and I had chosen to be with him, and most of the time I didn’t feel like that.

I’m not sure exactly when it started to change, but over the last year I’ve started to feel unhappy with the mood swings and uncontrolled outbursts. Losing his temper and shouting in my face wasn’t unusual. Also berating the children for relatively minor things was becoming common. Earlier this year we had an argument (I now can’t remember what it was over) but he didn’t want me to stay in the bedroom, when I refused to leave he dragged me out by my arm and left bruises. That was a lightbulb moment, I started thinking about the other occasions when he had pushed or shoved me. I can count these on one hand but had never thought of it as abuse before.

I told him I wanted to separate. He knows me well enough to know it wasn’t a threat, and he begged me not to, said he would go to anger management counselling, which he has (I’ve been asking him for years to do this and he wouldn’t). The thing that I have found disturbing is that he literally changed overnight, apologised to the children, stopped shouting at everyone, has been constantly apologetic. I’ve said to him it doesn’t feel real and I can’t understand how he can change overnight. Apparently it’s because he had never faced losing everything before.

This started at the same time as lockdown, he seems to have made some real progress building bridges with the children, which is really important to me. The problem I have is I feel so angry and resentful towards him. When he apologies it gets on my nerves! I’ve asked him to move out and give me space a few times now but he claims he has no where to go, and I don’t know if that’s true or not. His parents are shielding so he can’t go there. He has also suggested he would hurt himself and not see the children if we aren’t together. I’ve said to him that this gives me no options at all. I can’t begin to imagine how difficult it would be if that happened.

I know a lot of what he is saying is out of desperation. I just don’t want to look back at now in 3/5/10 years and think that’s when you should have ended it. But I also think, what if he has genuinely changed and I would be splitting up the family for things that happened in the past. Has anyone been through anything similar? Did it work out?! I know everyone’s position is different but I am so confused and afraid of making the wrong choice.

[Headspinning]

I’d be suspicious too.
Just shows that he can control it when he wants to – which means he could have chosen to control it when he was previously abusing you.
I think a bit of breathing space would be good. He won’t want you to have that though because he can’t then influence and manipulate you.
The other issue is – sometimes we just reach our limit and we want out – it’s no longer about whether or not they can change because we just don’t care any more and our decision has been made.
Could you seek councelling for you to give you some space to work it all through?

[Cherryblue]

Thanks Headspinning. I think that’s part of the problem for me, I’d decided I wanted out. But then he didn’t have anywhere to go, and it’s been left in this strange and confused situation where I’m trying to work out whether what he is saying and doing is genuine or not. Sometimes I feel guilty that he is trying and I’m not, I’m not sure what I am waiting for. I don’t know what would make me think it will be better in the future.

I think perhaps you are right and I should seek counselling too.

[Anonymous]

Trust your gut, first and foremost. If it feels wrong, it usually is. And time will tell. Like what Headspinning said – oh my, he could have done this a long time ago but he chose not to. Only now when “he” might lose something. See, as for me personally, I just don’t dig that one. Really don’t. I’ve seen that one before with some men in my life and when they pull that one I just say – too little too late. I’m not obligated to respond like you want me to respond because now all of a sudden you’ve gone all instant nice man on me and you think I trust that one? LOL! Yeah, no, not so much, I don’t. And you don’t have to apologize to him or anyone else if after all this time you’ve come to the end of your rope. It happens. I personally think it’s most likely a disguise and he thinks it might be fun to fool you this way. Seen that one too. Borriinnng and predictable. But some personalities actually like the game of it all. OH, let’s see if I can fool her this way!!??

I think people are who they are and anytime someone changes because you threaten to take something away from them, look for that change not to be real. I’ve never seen it be real.

It’s kinda like they are saying – See, I am being oh so good now so you have to stay!! Uh no, you really don’t have to. A real man would see when he’s being mean and controlling and abusive and stop doing it all on his own without any threats at all. I mean, I know when I hurt someone, when I’m being a witch. I know. You don’t have to tell me, threaten me or anything else. I’m the first one out of the gate changing my behavior and going I am sooo sorry and the way you know I mean it is – I don’t do that again.

Tough beans if you run out of road one day and say – just not feeling it anymore. Not my problem. Fix yourself, don’t, do whatever but I actually what a life and I’m going to go about getting it. Spent too much time now taking your stuff off you so b’bye now. News flash? I matter!!

[Eggshells]

Hi Cherryblue, Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting.

I think if he had genuinely changed he would respect your wishes and move out. He can go to his parents – even with COVID rules. He’s making excuses to continue to get his own way.

This is identical to how to my ex behaved. He would claim he had changed; he could keep up his best behaviour for months on end (which shows that he did know what he was doing wrong and that he did know how he should be behaving). But he repeatedly refused to move out which showed he had no intention of true ou respecting my wishes. He needed to bahave nicely and stay in the house so that he could win me back. He was outwardly making an effort whilst still doing exactly what he wanted to do.

I didn’t realise at the time but this was classic abuse cycle. Please do google it as it is very pertinent to what you ar experiencing.

I am told that abusive men can change on rare occasions but if your OH is failing to respect your wishes by moving out, then he is demonstrating that he hasn’t really changed at all. The self harm and suicide threats are a manipulation. You are not responsible for him or his mental health. If he knows that he will feel like that when he moves out then it is his responsibility to talk to a Dr and get some safety measures put in place.

[Anonymous]

This whole thinking of ours that says – can he change? is so largely intertwined with what we have been taught by society, movies, music, our families, etc. and it’s just wrong. Very very untrue. Every now and then someone does change but for the most part it comes from them initially. I have never seen it happen personally. But they say it does. It’s from a person really recognizing it themselves however and not being goaded or doing it because someone is going to leave now, etc.

People are who they are and just because we didn’t see who they really were initially is okay because – guess what? They are good at what they do. We all get taken in by a salesman. Even con artists fool each other. And it’s not like we’re taught about human predators either, right? Very stupid of us IMO.

I liken it all to – someone is an alligator and you’re a bunny rabbit. The story goes something like this……the bunny wants to cross the river. The alligator says – I will give you a ride over! The bunny is wary and says – but you will eat me! The alligator convinces the bunny that’s not so and then off they go. All is well until almost to the other shore and the alligator turns around to eat the bunny. The bunny says – But you promised!! You’ve been so nice to me!! The alligators says – but I AM an alligator. Chomp!

Once we see who someone really is – we have to see the alligator. I know, I know, we had such high hopes and dreams and the illusion was so great and so much fun, the lovebombing, the dreams, etc. But if it were true, it would remain – true and not change into something else. They depend on us to believe that “ohhh, just because I love you sooo much I’m going to change!” But they never did love you or they wouldn’t have become a total jerk and “changed” right? See – yes, they can change and they did change, didn’t they? They changed back into who they really were all along. That change………they do very very well.

[Eggshells]

I’ll pm you. I can’t say this online as it might be identifying. xx

[Cherryblue]

Thanks everyone for your comments, it really helps. It’s all very confused at the moment, I think I need to get him to stay somewhere else for a while, so that I can try and get my head straight. I feel so sad that it has come to this.

[Anonymous]

Sad in some ways yes but overall better to see it now and get out and stay out than to continue to suffer so this is actually a good moment in your life although it’s painful. All growth is painful however. But positive growth produces good results whereas abuse creates nothing but more pain and damage/destruction.

[Camel]

Hi Cherryblue

I think everyone will agree that genuine and lasting change is unlikely.

Yes, it is sad. I had tears in my eyes when I drove away from my abuser, despite having just loaded all my stuff into a van before he threw it into the street. Despite him accusing me of affairs, right to the end, when we were no longer a couple and it was none of his business.

I had my dad with me to drive the van and my ex actually produced (detail removed by Moderator) for us to take away with us. Desperate to the last moment to look charming and reasonable. Luckily I didn’t have to explain anything to dad. He knew me well enough to know where the truth lay.

I don’t know how you go about getting someone to move out of a house they have as much right to live in as you. Maybe another poster can advise??

[Author]

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