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    • #79481
      J@jmum
      Participant

      I love too close to my ex/abuser and I hate it- I feel like a prisoner. Avoid certain areas etc in fear.
      I’m divorcing him and an choosing to agree to sell up and move and have press start.
      Can he restrict where I move to, anyone have any personal experience.
      How may affect child contact.
      Work against me?
      Can he restrict where I live coz of kids.
      When I do move, does he have to know my address due to parental rights to know where kids live or can it be hidden?

    • #79503
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Yes you can. How easy that is is another matter. Once you have all entered the court system it becomes more difficult, but it is do able. If there’s an order for his access then you have to adhere to the arrangement, so you could move and stick with this or if you want to move further a field you’ll need to apply to have the order changed, which means ticking a number of boxes to show how this benefits the child/children and how they will maintain contact with dad.

      My solictor told me that it is unlikely an application to move will be turned down if you tick the boxes, so if you have work in this area, or family support or are moving in with someone new, maybe theres a good school and you know you could get a place. I get the impression that to move to get away from him is not enough, as much as we feel the need to do this, so building your arguement with what they will be looking for is key.

      I am unsure legally of your last q, you need a solicitor to answer this, unless someone on here can answer, bare in mind there are slightly different rules in England, Scotland and Ireland, so you’ll need to check this, but I guess if you can make the arrangement through third parties, with family or use a contact centre for pick ups and drop offs, or you can agree to somewhere else, then there is no real need for him to know this. Guess he could argue that he needs to know where his kids are and oppose this though, so you’d need to make a case, with evidence of the abuse you have experienced.

      For me, as much as I dont want to see him at drop offs, when I do move, I’m thinking of driving to meet him in a public place to avoid him knowing where I live, but then she is old enough to get out of the car herself and walk over to get into his car.

      It sounds like an utterley dreadful time J, I’m concerned you haven’t got much support; I think building and shaping the right support is much needed x

    • #79549
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Dear j@jmum,

      Thank you for your post. You’ve received a good reply from Fizzylem. As she says, it is dependent on any court order currently in place or due to be put in place.

      If there is no order in place at present, then you have every right to move away and not to tell your ex where you are, or where your children are at school. This is how women manage to move to a refuge and keep their location unknown, for their safety. The only way that he can demand action from you or have a right to know information is if he successfully obtains a legal order which states you must give contact, information, or follow a certain request written in an order.

      You really need some legal advice around this. I appreciate from your other posts that you have had difficulty getting through to the Rights of Women, they are incredibly busy as they provide free legal advice and information. Keep trying, but also have a look through their website where there are very detailed guides you can follow. I would suggest reading;

      ‘Children and the Law- when parents separate’. This explains Prohibited Steps Orders (PSO), Child arrangement orders, and specific issue orders, all of which will be relevant to you.

      If you want to talk to someone about how to obtain a Prohibited Steps Order, you can contact DV Assist on 0800 195 8699.

      Whilst the National Helpline does not offer legal advice, they can talk through your concerns and hopefully answer some questions for you. You can call them any time on 0808 2000 247. If you don’t get through leave a voicemail with your number and a time frame for a call back and they will do so. They can also signpost you to other organisations relevant to you.

      You can also contact your local domestic abuse service to ask what support they can offer.

      Kind Regards,

      Lisa

    • #79627
      J@jmum
      Participant

      We had court orders in place so I’m already in that messy area. Though I still currently have fully and he just got bit of supervised access for few hrs.
      So you think that if I’ve said in divorce agreement- written down and via his solicitor that I move only on basis he aware I will have to move out of area and kids move school that that’s at least proof to prevent him then kicking up a stink in (detail removed by moderator)?
      I’ve still been trying for advise and support but still no success getting through!

    • #79639
      fizzylem
      Participant

      I cant understand the question J, can you re word it for me please?

      You can move without notifying him if you only have an arrangements order in place, if you think you will be able to still stick with the time and place for his supervised visits.

      If not, then you will need to apply to court to get it changed.

    • #79641
      fizzylem
      Participant

      You got a much better outcome then than you imagined (detail removed by moderator) J! Sounds like you’ve done really well getting supervised xx

    • #79651
      J@jmum
      Participant

      Not really as supervised via his parents who lie and hide his actions. So he does anything they will hide it, so the kids are still at risk in my eyes. So upset.
      But I’m thinking ahead. He will no doubt go for unsupervised next and that scares me!! Parents will say supervised visits been fab and so his argument be why not.
      Sorry the moving house is also forward thinking, I worry I agree to sell up (he wants his equity and sod upheaval for kids) and then he will somehow control where I can live or whether I can change the kids schools.
      Sorry I’m clueless and literally can’t find anyone to help me, I Eva get no or no answer!

    • #79654
      diymum@1
      Participant

      id contact WA and get them to work with the kids – get them to enquire about how they feel about the contact. your get out clause is to say you dont want face to face contact with his family and him because it feels unsafe (given the background) and better for the kids handover is in a netral environment ie contact centre – womens aid can write to the court for you stressing this and can also do a risk assessment to present to the court x*x

    • #79656
      J@jmum
      Participant

      They’ve always had contact with grandparents- originally with ex required to keep out the area at that time.
      I’m uneasy about going there now as he will now be there going forward.
      (Detail removed by moderator) But tbh in reality can it realistically never be unsupervised??
      I call women’s aid, my local version and rights of women multiple times a day every day and NEVER get through.

    • #79657
      J@jmum
      Participant

      (Removed by moderator)

    • #79661
      diymum@1
      Participant

      keep pushing – id insist keep trying womens aid even if you have to speed dial x*x

    • #79726
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Keep a ‘diary of return’ – record everything they say about the visit, include the facts; date, time where they went, what happened, what they did, who was there. Also record in this diary anything they say inbetween visits that leaves you feeling uncomfortable or sounds strange, doesn’t make sense. Include their mood on leaving and returning also.

      Try not to fire questions, drop a couple of questions throughout the week, maybe one on their return; if they are relaxed they will talk freely and jabber on. You want them to feel they can always talk freely and openly about dad and going to their grand parents dont you; feel ok about this. So be mindful not to push or they will withdraw and close up. It will come out with just a q here and there.

      You could get in first and try to get the order changed if you wanted to; but I’d urge you to think very carefully about this and talk it through with WA’s and someone who knows the law and every one’s rights. You are right that he will argue for non supervised at some point, so guess it’s better to be ready for this.

      At the end of the day he does have a right to a relationship with his children; it seems to me that you have been heard which is why you have sup. visits.

      They may lie and cover up for him yes; but is he less likely to behave in the way he has when they are around? I only ask this as for me I have come to find some peace knowing another woman, a mum is in the house when my child visits because I know it does make a difference to his behaviour – for now anyway, I guess until she falls from favour.

      I know she will always support him yes, to think anything else would be foolish hey; like you know they will, but I also know she helps simply by being there.

      If he did over step the line with his kids, would this stress them out as grand parents? How do you think they would respond? Just some qs for you to ponder.

      But also, would your kids tell you?

      It’s never going to be just how we would like it to be is it, sadly lousy parenting is not illegal, but your kids absolutely have aright to safe contact. It depends how he treats them doesnt it from here on in I guess, being mindful of the signs re what his behavour suggests, as you see him now dont you, see what he is up to. Record this in your notes.

      You’ve done the best you can with an utterly rubbish situation and got the best outcome possible.

      The way I see it now is that it is my job to support my child with her relationship with her father, and that includes overcoming all the struggles she has with him. Obs if he steps over the line again I would step in, but for now things have calmed and it has improved a lot for her. Since we split, I have only really ever had an issue with him when my child isn’t ok.

      Gather evidence; read that Safe Not Sorry doc.

      Sounds to me like now you have earned a bit of a rest now, take some time out for you flower; then when it’s back to work gather more information; something that strikes me when I read your posts is how little support you have had and how many unanswered qs you have – a lot of them legal ones. You need to gather onfo hey.

      I feel so impressed that you have got this far without any support – you are clearly one of those people that is the best person to have around in a crisis! Yes it felt like it would break you, but it didn’t, you held it together when you needed to, did what you had to do. Understandably you are tired for now, you’ve no doubt been running on adrenalin for a while, and you’ve just been to hell and back! Give yourself lashings of self care next xx

    • #79748
      J@jmum
      Participant

      Thanks fizzy, ur message brought tears to my eyes, in a good way!
      I don’t feel like it’s been a success. My eldest is already worried about a future of being with dad unsupervised and I’ve documented the conversations. It’s my greatest fear too.
      Yes no support, still desperately trying. Yes I need so much help and info! I need to know what I can do and what I stand to face next. I’ve got my fingers crossed (detail removed by moderator).
      I also worry about how much control he can get or gain via the kids to control my life and decisions.
      So many questions lol.
      Ty

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