Can I stay after this? Who do I tell?

[Notsurewhattowrite]

Searched for this website as soon as my oh left for work this morning.

There have been around 5 occasions of violence now.

(detail removed by moderator) I tried to talk to him because things have been hard. He told me I was ungrateful and it escalated very quickly. He shut the blinds, grabbed my head pulling my hair to move me from the window, threw my phone (which is now completely broken and I’m on a very old one), kept shouting at me, sitting on me screaming covering my mouth so I couldn’t breathe. At times I remember concentrating on how to breathe from my nose because I couldn’t from my mouth. He also head butted me (but in my hair so I can’t aww if there is a mark). He kept leaving the room then coming back in and repeating what he was doing, sitting over me with his hand on my mouth, shouting and making me say I was sorry.

He hasn’t said sorry.

My back and arms hurt today but I only have two slight bruises on my arm.

I know I need to tell someone – but if I do I know that will be the end of the relationship. I can’t go back once I tell people. I don’t know what to do because I love him – but the violence gets worse every time. I thought I could handle it – but I don’t think I can.

[KIP.]

Ring the police right now. I know it’s scary but once the police are involved it brings help from other organisations. I’d ring 999 and tell them you’re fearful of him returning. This kind of escalating violence is extremely dangerous. Once you have rung the police, get in touch with your local women’s aid. They can help you understand that there is no excuse for this kind of violence and it always escalates. Like you I had no choice. He could kill you x

[KIP.]

You are not to blame for his actions. He chooses to behave this way. He chooses to abuse you when there are no witnesses so he knows it’s wrong. Wanting to hold onto this kind of relationship comes from the abuse. He’s conditioned you with his violence and threats.

[diymum@1]

hi there, call the help line you feel that you love him but its more than likely to be a traumatic bond. this bond feels like an addiction so you need to take a leap off faith really. he does sound dangerous. i would say refuge would be a good option and do it while hes at work. dont put yourself through this again xx please dont xx call the helpline and get your documents and what you need together. i know this this is hard and its scarey but safety comes first xxxx love diymum you can do this and its the best way forward i promise this is no way for you to live in fear xx

[KIP.]

Do you have family you can stay with after speaking to the police? Abuse thrives on silence. Very often the love bombing comes after the violence or aggressive outbursts. Google the cycle of abuse. You simply can’t handle this situation on your own. I tried and was hurt too. The police were wonderful. You can ask to speak to a domestic abuse officer. Tell them everything and show them the injuries. Dig deep to find the strength. You owe him nothing. How dare he treat you this way.

[Notsurewhattowrite]

Thank you all.

I have family but they don’t know anything and I’m scared to tell – I’m embarrassed. We have had so much to deal with as a couple (family court for his child, selling our houses to be in one place, he works away, loads of other things that just add to the stress of life). I keep hoping that once all these really stressful situations will be sorted we can actually start our life properly. I can’t understand why I can’t let go. I’ve told him that we need to end the relationship.

[diymum@1]

if you google trauma bonding – its a form of conditioning so we crave their good side. we all feel this way. have a look and it will help you understand. some one who loves you dosent behave like this towards you. its not safe to stay xx

[lover of no contact]

Welcome to the Forum. Keep posting for support here and reading the posts. He has just terrorized you not just scared you but terrorized you. I know it’s so scared letting go of him by telling anyone what has happened because then we can’t control what will be done and what will happen. I too thought I could handle the situation on my own and was afraid to let others know. This is part of the dynamic of abuse and how it continues. Is there anyone at all you could let know about what happened. Police, GP, Women’s Aid etc. He has all the pre-indicators of ending your life. This time was bad enough for you ; next time may be worse. Abuse always gets worse. We didn’t Cause it; we can’t Control it and we Can’t cure it. (3 C’s). All you can do is protect your precious beautiful self and get away from him. Keep posting today in the hour if you need to so you can break free from your normal (in abusive situation) response “to put up and shut up”; to enable him; to cover up; to minimize the danger you’re in etc. By the way I had all those responses when with my abuser but I had to change my patterns.

[diymum@1]

dont be embaressed this isnt your doing and your family and the people you reach out to will help to support you. i couldnt have done this alone either x*x

[KIP.]

Ending a relationship with an abuser is the most dangerous time for you. When they feel they’re losing control the violence escalates. You are in great danger. Try ringing the helpline number on here. But please involve the police.

[KIP.]

Stress doesn’t make people abuse those close to them. That’s a choice he makes and it concerns me there may have been previous domestic abuse. You can ask the police using Clair’s Law if he has previous for this x take that leap of faith and reach out x

[Lisa]

Hi Notsurewhattowrite

Welcome to the forum, you have been really brave to reach out for help on here, i know it is a big first step.

As the other ladies have indicated you are in a very high risk situation at the moment and it sounds like the violence is escalating, him holding you over the mouth and sitting on you is very dangerous, it only takes him doing this for a few seconds longer another time and you may loose consciousness.

I can hear your worries about ending the relationship which are totally normal, and i understand this feels like a massive thing to do. One option you have if you felt strong enough is to involve the police, and get an occupation order to prevent him from returning to the property for a year.

If you felt you did not want to involve the police you could call the helpline on 0808 2000 247 to discuss the option of refuge or make a safe plan to leave and stay with family or friends when he is at work one day. The helpline is very busy and it can be hard to get through to a live support worker sometimes, so if you call and don’t get through please leave a voicemail with a safe time for them to call you back and they will do that.

You may feel unable to do any of these things at the moment which is ok as these are big steps. You can contact your local domestic abuse service who should offer you a 1-1 support worker and offer you ongoing support and help you to stay safe, they can also help you make a plan to leave if you are ready.

While you are still living with him i would encourage you not to mention that you want to end the relationship or to talk about how you are unhappy in the relationship as this tends to escalate the abuse and i want you to be as safe as possible while you are there.

I know this is a lot to take in, i would really encourage you to speak to either the helpline or your local domestic abuse charity so you can have a good chat with someone who really understands and can explain all your options in more detail.

We are here on this forum to support you however you are feeling

Take care and keep posting to let us know how you are.

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Notsurewhattowrite]

Thank you. He isn’t due home now until Friday as he works away, I have not spoken to anyone about this yet. Today was my day off work and I’ve been mostly trying to get myself mentally ready to be in work and be ok whilst I’m there. Once I’ve gone back to work I’ll think about what’s next. I feel like I can only do one thing at a time.

Everything you are all saying makes complete sense, I’m not sure I’m accepting that this is real and is happening. Going to read up on some of the things you suggest now. Thank you xx

[diymum@1]

it all takes time to set in we do normalise it xx try to talk to someone you trust first about it thats a big step forward xx its the hardest thing to get your head around but youve already reached out to us. weve stood in your shoes and were here to help xxxx love diymum

[KIP.]

Trauma does terrible things to our minds. We lose head space. All our headspace is taken up dealing with the trauma and makes it difficult to focus and understand the abuse. I could only deal with small things. My work suffered because my memory suffered because of the trauma of dealing with the abuse. That’s why you’re finding it hard to understand. I couldn’t concentrate on reading or driving directions and it still affects me today, many years later. Please get help before he returns. He’s building up to a frenzy and the violence is getting worse. Our mind tricks us and pushes to good memories to the front. It’s too traumatic to face the truth but you are in serious danger. Can you tell your work and ask for help or speak to your GP. Is the home in your name? Can you change the locks and move his stuff out? Keep trying your local women’s aid.

[Author]

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