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After completing a rehabilitation programme successfully, in the eyes of the authorities, my ex is now being given more time with our child, unsupervised, working towards overnights. I feel anxious about having to split my child between two homes, especially since its been just me for a long time. I worry that our child will prefer spending time with him and his family, who are larger than mine, but also a great sense of sadness that our family unit broke down and that my child doesn’t have the both of us together. I’ve had extensive therapy and attended women’s groups to help me process my trauma and get my confidence and sense of self-worth back, but the issue of how I view him and feel about him keeps cropping up in my head.
I want to try and move forward from viewing him as the same person who abused me, to help me cope with the changes that are about to happen with our child. Am I just kidding myself? It is very difficult at times, mainly because he’s never really communicated genuine remorse for what he did to me, during the relationship, but also his mission to continue to break me down afterwards. Likewise, none of his family ever genuinely reached out to me or my child after we left home, they believed his lies about me and cut me off and I find that very difficult to deal with, because now my child will be spending more time with them all.
Have any of you had positive experiences with your ex after they’ve completed a perpetrator programme or is it just a myth?
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Was it a perpetrator program for a number of months? They say this can change them but they have to admit to all their wrong doing and actually see how to change their behaviour. Did you get any feed back from the program? Might be useful for court. I’d still say if he does get over nights stick to one overnight a fortnight xx the shame is his family haven’t learned how to change. If contact isn’t working for your child you can reign the contact back in again xx
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There is no evidence that perpetrator programmes actually work. The leaders of them like to think they do, but often as not they are good at teaching abusers to be better at abusing.
SS told me that my ex was in too much denial for a perp programme to have any effect. Keep a very close eye. 6 months isn’t long to change the habits of a lifetime. Becoming an abuser starts far earlier in life than most addictive behaviours, and most people are unable to change.
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