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Honestly am I now just seeing problems everywhere?? Lose an item that suddenly reappears and I’m told he told me a few days ago he found it…I have no recollection of this or I would have used said item. I offer to make something, offer is declined, short time later he asks if I made it because he had said yes!
Is this just being picky?
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He’s gaslighting and goading you for a reaction, so he can make you out to be the crazy bad guy. It’s really hard once you start seeing their behaviour for what it is, you can’t unsee it and doubt everything. Hang in there, you’re doing so well with everything he’s throwing at you lately x
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Oh my gosh. Thanks for posting this! This happens to me all the time. The making food… he then expects me to go make his while mine goes cold. He always accuses me of having had an item and having moved it/put it somewhere when it was actually him and he either knows and is doing it on purpose or can’t remember that he had it. I get so confused in the end and he uses it as an excuse to rant at me and blame me.
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He refuses to go out without me, he says if I don’t go with him and the kids then no-one goes and it’s then
it’s my fault the kids don’t get to do fun stuff. I always give in but I’m now wondering what would happen in a healthy relationship when one partner doesn’t want to do something – I’m not talking big family days out, just a trip to the shops or something – and the other does! Is it normal for one to demand the other go as well?? xx-
Hi Grumblebear
No, its not normal. You definitely don’t ‘have to’ all go out as a family and try to coerce the other partner into going or its their fault noone is going. Thats just plain wrong. He is also classic gaslighting you, there is nothing worse for messing with your head. You are keeping track of it though, and know your own mind. Keep doing that, keep realising that its his crazy-making game, and not about you, but about him. He is having fun with this, and is seriously the deranged one to have the toxic energy he has for this stuff.
Hold strong, hold true to your truth and keep seeing what he’s doing for what it is, abuse.
warmest wishes
ts
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Thank you for this. I wish I had experience of a normal relationship so it was easier to compare! I would have woken up a whole lot sooner had that been the case rather than enabling him for so many years! I’ve set up an email account under another name so I can keep a diary type thing that he won’t ever have access to. I send the emails back to the same account so it keeps a track of the dates.
Hopefully it’ll help bring some clarity.
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hi, you’ve not ‘enabled’ him. You are not responsible for his behaviour and can’t control him. The term ‘enabler’ is victim-blaming, and you are not to blame for someone treating you cruelly. He’s the guilty one, and the perpetrator. To put it another way, people that steal from shops, are the shops ‘enabling’ thieves because they have goods out on display? Its not the shops’ faults that people steal from them. Its so bad now, there seems to have to be security in every shop!
Excellent idea emailing yourself your journal of incidents. It wouldn’t be any surprise that you were forgetful under such stress, but this really does sound like he is trying to make you doubt your own mind, what you are doing will keep you strong.
warmest wishes
ts
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No it’s not normal, but it’s very common in abusive relationships and as this affects the kids too they are also experiencing his abuse, imagine it from their perspective and never knowing if something is actually going to happen – have you read Lundy Bancroft’s ‘why does he do that’, can find free pdfs online or buy a copy but that book covers the kids too and was eye opening for me x
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Oh my goodness. I’m not sure that I’ve ever heard of such a spine chillingly blatant case of gaslighting!
When I wanted to find out if my ex was gaslighting me, I started walking around with a digital voice recorder in my pocket. I only had to use it for half an hour before I was able to listen back and hear him gaslighting me. He had definitely said the thing he denied saying just a few minutes later.
You can now get voice activated recorders. They are the size of a memory stick and I’d recommend them to anyone who suspects that they’re being gaslighted. Just don’t let your abuser know though.xx
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May just be about to reach his tipping point tonight. Can’t really say more as it may be too identifying but tension in the house has definitely gone up. My youngest is running about being extra helpful and chirpy as she normally would at these times 🙁
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Only been an hour since my last post and I’m exhausted. I said on someone elses post earlier about Dr Ramani’s D.E.E.P rules that I’ve decided to try but it takes a lot. He has nipped out so I have a few minutes to breathe before he’s back. I just want to cry but not giving him that satisfaction!
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The going with children thing only if you go is not normal. Mine has done that before.
His favourite thing to do is to randomly decide I and our child can’t do a prearranged social engagement because I’ve misbehaved/upset him (literally anything could upset him so this is almost impossible to prevent). So… for a lot of the time it has actually stopped me from making arrangements to do things with friends and family. If I do make an arrangement then it is so stressful not knowing if we’ll be allowed to go, especially if the other person has put themselves out by buying in food, travel costs or presents etc.
One time I had arranged to go see a friend and he then would not let me go – literally that morning… I couldn’t notify her. So she was trying to call me and I couldn’t answer as he had control of my phone. It was so stressful and humiliating. After that, I told her about the phone so if it happened again she’d know it wasn’t me being horrible or something!
It is so controlling and like you said makes the kids miss out if you don’t comply.
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This!!! I used to love booking days out but everyone got spoilt or he’d decide that morning it wasn’t happening, or I’d be in the wrong for inviting/not inviting his other child, or we didn’t get ready fast enough so it was off, even on journeys to places he’d be picking a fight midway, so eventually I gave up planning anything. These men are so similar and we’re all living in silent hell.
I hope you’re ok grumblebear and your evening improves – stay safe.
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