This topic contains 10 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by  Confused123 6 months ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #72029
     Snowplower 
    Participant

    It’s been (detail removed by moderator) since we ended things. I retract. Since I left the country and never looked back.
    I’m feeling completely alone in dealing with the aftermaths of living with his abuse. Can talking to him be helpful? I feel like he’s the only one who understands what it was like to be in the type of marriage we were. It was emotionally and physically abusive, and some days are really hard to get through. I’ll feel anxious all day and like I’m about to start crying. A colleague of mine hugged me tight today and I completely stiffened.

    I have a new boyfriend (I’m aware it’s fat), but he luckily understands nothing about what I’ve gone trough. I need a little advice.

  • #72037
     KIP. 
    Participant

    No, it’s the worst thing you could do. You won’t get closure from him and will feel even more confused when he blames you for everything.

  • #72041
     Sad sunflower 
    Participant

    Dear Snowplower, I would advise you not to talk to him, he’s only going to make you feel worse. I’ve been out for about 9 months now but talked to him every now and them when he contacted me up until december. Let me tell you, every single time we talked I was left feeling guilty and confused. It usually took me a few weeks to go back to feeling OK. He would be nice at first, but then he would start blaming me for everything, criticising everything I did and then the name-calling would begin. It was just awful. I have not talked to him for 2 months now and honestly feel so much better. It is normal to miss them but just remember that you deserve better.

  • #72067
     Flowerchild 
    Participant

    No. It literally never helps to talk to an abusive ex. All it does it rip off the plaster and the scan and start the bleeding again.

    It lets him reach right in and start messing with your mind again with his alternative reality where he’s perfect and you’re mad.

    It could put you right back to the beginning with everything to do again. If you need to talk to someone there are more than 7 billion people on earth – including all of us in here – to try before you talk to him!

    Flower x

  • #72069
     freedomtochoose 
    Blocked

    I agree totally with the others.

    At the same time I understand that feeling very well – wanting to. And can only offer how I am still trying (on recent occasions when I have wanted to talk to someone I cut off contact with, who actually I know has abusive traits) to work out what is going on there.

    I try to work out what is behind the feeling of wanting to talk to them. I am obviously feeling a need of some kind. Recently I realised it was connected to my parents my mother and father and actually what was missing in that relationship.

    So I try to figure out what I really need and how I can fufil my need in that sense, instead of seeking to fulfil that need with the abusive person, which is not gong to work anyway and which I know will make me feel worse.

    Does that make sense?

    Example: I might be feeling tired, unnurtured, wishing that someone would give me a hug, do something nice for me…say I look nice…

    Answer of mine: to nurture myself, do something to look after my health, work on my self-esteem…

    I can’t pretend I always get there, and often I find it difficult – but at least I have identified what is going on there for me….

    all best
    ftc
    x

  • #72070
     freedomtochoose 
    Blocked

    And of course if I went back to abusive person – yes, I would get the quick fix of ‘meeting the need apparently initially’ but then I would get the ‘sting in the tail’ of once I trust the person sooner or later they will seek to smash my self-esteem so it is not going to work anyway’ thing…

    all best
    ftc
    x

  • #72114
     Daisy 
    Participant

    And a big no from me too, he is the last person you need to speak to, he’s the problem, so he’s never going to be part of the solution.
    Post on here, talk it through with safe, trusted people, read up on domestic abuse and it’s effects and save all your questions and care and time and effort for you.
    X x x

  • #72120
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    dont turn back to him as he will hoover you in and suck the life from you. his opinion isnt to be trusted neither are his intensions. reach out for support from women’s aid, family and friends if you can. REad why does he do that by lundy bancroft. This will get better but it takes time, inner strength and self love and definitely no contact x*x luv diy mum

  • #72169
     supersonic 
    Participant

    No, I kept in contact and now its stopped and I feel foolish, my ex would have a dig in every now and then, hinting it was all my fault. It was like a drug, being reminded of ‘good times’ too, and now I’m feeling like an addict going cold turkey, it is hell. Keep NO CONTACT.

  • #72223
     Sparklegone 
    Participant

    Hello Darlin
    The best advice as per the others that I can give you is do not contact your ex because it will never end well and will actually hinder your healing.
    I am a month post break up. First two weeks I went no contact but it felt unbearable. I don’t have a great support network because I isolated myself whilst I was going through hell in my relationship so I believed he would care about my mental and physical wellbeing but he didn’t in the slightest. I was crying, suicidal, everything you can imagine and he didn’t care at all. He said he only answered out of pity and that I only had myself to blame for being in my current state. Not only did he kick me harder than ever he also spoke about how well he was doing for himself in the midst of it all.
    Not to talk about myself but I am giving an example and context to my point that no good can come of it because they don’t see reality. They don’t believe they have done anything wrong. They feed and thrive on you feeling terrible.
    I have also come to realise you can’t get the truth from individuals who aren’t honest with themselves.
    There’s no excuse for abuse so it doesn’t matter what they have to say. The best thing you can do is go no contact and focus on you. I have done this for two weeks now and whilst I don’t feel amazing I am able to get out of bed now and do small things. Trying to speak to him was the worst thing I ever did because hearing the lack of concern or care for me knocked me even lower than I was.
    Do you boo and focus on YOU now. Be kind to yourself and keep being strong!
    SG xx

  • #72502
     Confused123 
    Participant

    do not talk to him, he will rip u apart again and take advantage of hearing how he made u feel, seek counselling instaed

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