Can they actually change?

[Cloudy]

I joined this forum around a month ago, as I feel my eyes have finally opened to what I now know to be years of emotional, financial and sometimes physical abuse. When I joined, we were actually in a ‘good phase’, and am surprised to say we still are. This has been going for around (detail removed by moderator) longer than it ever has before… is it possible for them to actually change?
I’m struggling as I’ve genuinely seen a lot of change, however, he makes sure I know of that. He talks at length as to how much he has changed (detail removed by moderator) I should mention that before this ‘good phase’, I told him I wanted to leave, the first time I’ve ever tried saying this.
So my question is, can they genuinely change? Am I being led into a false sense of security? And is it really possible to move forward in a relationship with all the memories of how you’ve been treated so badly?
I still in the back of my mind want to leave, and have been waiting for him to snap back to how he was before, to give me a reason to do so… but what if he never does? I’m struggling with having enough courage!

[sweet4]

They lie, they say, they can change, or get help etc, but they do not.

[minimeerkat]

its ok to have so many questions & doubts because abusive relationships are extremely confusing
as soon as you said you had mentioned leaving prior to this nice phase it seemed to make perfect sense – because they tend to switch back to being more like the person we fell in love with. its naturally confusing but usually only done to try manipulating you into staying
it also says a lot if you are being reminded by him of just how much he has changed & that you are now being told how you should therefore behave. i would have thought that any genuine sincere changes would have been made without them having to be highlighted & also that out of respect for you, he would have allowed you to feel more comfortable with him in your own time without any pressure whatsoever
i, like you & probably like many more women could not forget past behaviour – i had been too shocked after witnessing such cruelty & callousness
i think many women have been in your position & find themselves waiting to see how long it actually takes for the mask to slip again – i think just for them to feel justified in wanting to leave
so i suppose what you have to ask yourself is how much damage has already been done & how much has this changed how you now feel
it helped me a lot when i finally contacted my local da service, just having someone to talk to. it really did help me start seeing things so very clearly x

[Bananaboat]

Yeah they can change…for the better? Oh no. No they just pop on a mask until you’re back being his compliant supply.

Watch his actions not his words – especially if he’s making big declarations saying he’s changed, because they just distract you and hope makes you want to believe it’s true.

But even if by some minor miracle he has changed, and they can with regular, consistent and ongoing support (ie not just an overnight decision on their own) then ask yourself do you trust him? Because once trust is gone, it’s gone.

[tiredofitall]

I’m afraid I agree with the other ladies. We also had some good spells – some longer than others. But then someone the pressure gets turned on me to ‘move on’ and I ended up being blamed as not trying hard enough to make things work. It took me a long time – too long really – to accept that I could never trust him not to hurt me again and also to acknowledge that I deserved better. Even if better is being in a space where I am free to love and accept myself which I could never do in that relationship because I was always being told what was wrong with me.

I did also think that there are lots of people who end relationships for all sorts of reasons and I was waiting for one big one that would justify my decision – lots of people don’t do that. They feel justified if their partner isn’t ambitious enough or they just want different things- if they just aren’t happy anymore. I kept waiting for the time when his behaviour justified me leaving when in fact that happened many many years ago, I just didn’t want to accept it!

[StrongLife]

No – mine too put the lie in of “perhaps counseling “ made booking, he did not go etc etc.

Do not believe they will change, it is you that will do the changing.

It will be a change for the better.

[Cloudy]

I feel a little overwhelmed by all of your quick replies, thank you for taking the time!

Everything you’ve said is what I’ve had in the back of my head, but like you said, an abusive relationship is so confusing. I did reach out to my local DA service and had an initial call with my key worker last week, I hope to meet her in person next week. I hope this will give me the encouragement I need to take the next steps.

I find myself constantly daydreaming about my life if I wasn’t with him, but it’s still so hard and makes me feel so guilty, especially when he is being nice like this. But you’re right when you say if the trust is gone, it’s gone.

[Happybelle]

Don’t feel guilty about your daydream…. allow it to become your goal as the daydream will be what you really want deep down.
Keep a list of when not so good things happen or a list of when he talks about having changed. Look back and count the frequency. It’s really helping me. I knew my stuff was bad but keeping the lost makes sure I haven’t forgotten the incidents and a reminder of how I felt. It’s helping me to get together to move forward to my dream.

[Thewounded]

That’s what I kept saying to myself and believed that this is how a relationship is! They will continue to find another woman and hide themselves to ensure they look like the “good man”. Realising now that they are an actual example of a n**********c sociopath.

[sweet4]

Cloudy i was there, where you are today, took me a good 3 years, of on and off, his anger issues escalated, you will know when its time.

[Hereforhelp]

I agree…once I read that you had told him that you were leaving it made sense to me also as to why he has now changed..
Also… “He talks at length as to how much he has changed” … this isn’t normal or healthy.. he is looking for praise..
Waiting for this calmer phase to end and the nasty side to reappear is very common.. I also felt like that on the run up to leaving… they do not change, they change their masks is all, sometimes for longer periods.
You have endured years of abuse, emotional, financial, physical… have you had support for the damage that causes? Has he spoken to you about his abuse and are you comfortable talking to him about it? I ask as when my husband was being ‘nice’ (I had asked for a separation and low and behold he acted the loving husband/father, attentive etc… I decided to trust my husband at that time and tried to talk about how I felt about his past abuse towards Me… he didn’t want to talk as ‘we had moved on’.. I realised that he was still dismissing the abuse which he had put me through, it was all still about him, how much better he was feeling, how he was trying when actually he didn’t give a flying **** about me.

Even if your husband had genuinely made the decision to stop abusing you, the years he has chosen to abuse you aren’t suddenly undone, you count, you are important and your emotional needs are valid and you deserve to be happy.

Big hugs
HFH ❤️

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