Can they change?

[FlutterShy]

I’m new here and I left my partner for maybe the 7th or 8th time a few days ago (I just packed up the car with what I could and left with the children while he was sleeping it off). The trigger for me going was being absolutely terrified of him a week or so earlier and something one of our young children said to me. Like many of you it started with emotional abuse and has been getting more and more physical and is taking less and less for something to happen – I usually have at least one bruise from him. My health and state of my mind has been deteriorating, I was getting more and more hysterical, I could go on. The children are also being affected – one has anxiety and one is showing signs of self-esteem issues (I’ve been googling!)

In the past I’ve suggested we go to counselling. We went once, I was a wreck who could hardly form a sentence and he was this articulate together person who made me sound like a complete maniac. I’ve suggested we go together again recently and he doesn’t think he has anything to learn from counselling. He thinks I need to go because I’m insane and need help.

My plan (this time), with the help of my family, is to rent a small house for me and my children and I’m borrowing money to give me some breathing space while I get the kids settled and find work.

The other times I’ve been gone he has just given me the silent treatment to get me home and also doesn’t see the children (I feel guilty enough about taking them away from him). I do start missing the times when things are ok, arrange to meet him and the rest is history. Back home, honeymoon period then business as usual. But this time he’s calling me, texting me, being really nice, saying things have to change, saying he will change, saying he has a plan etc. We’ve been riding this roller coaster for a long time now, is it possible for him to change?

Thanks for reading xx

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there FS and welcome to the forum x

Well done for getting out, it does indeed sometimes take a few tries but it sounds like you are making longterm plans to stay away and realise the impact it is having on you and the children. Are you getting any help from WA during this transition or your GP? Counselling might be good for you to work through the trauma of having been abused by your husband – not because your husband thinks you are insane though, that’s just him passing blame and guilt onto you.

Have you ever read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft? I think it could be helpful to you, it’s written by someone who has worked with abusers and understands them and in turn helps the victims (us) get answers to the many “why” questions floating around inside our heads. Bottomline though, change for any abuser is rare and difficult and takes years if not lifelong help. It’s just very unlikely even if we wish it could be different. It sounds like the abuse has continously escalated, when you are walking around with bruises from him all the time. You do not deserve that. Have you thought about police involvement?

Focus on you now and getting all the support around you in place for both you and your children. When he is being nice making these promises, remind yourself of what he has done to you. Write a list of the abuse you’ve endured and how it made you feel. It helps to read such a list to ourselves when the urge to go back washes over us. Stay strong, stay safe and keep posting x

[KIP.]

He won’t change. He’s had 7 or 8 times before to change and he hasn’t. You need to keep your children safe and away from him. He is destroying their mental health which will take years of counselling to repair. They look to you for safety. Abusing you in front of children is child abuse. Please keep them safe from him, contact Womens aid for support. Get off the crazy roundabout x

[FlutterShy]

Thank you both for responding. No, I’m not getting support from GP or WA as I’ve moved away from the area and I’ve found it difficult getting through to WA. And I feel like a bit of a fraud tbh as I’m not sure whether it’s me just making things worse than they actually are in my head. I have seen my GP about how i’m feeling but I worried about saying too much as I didn’t want them to involve social services.

Thank you for the book suggestion AS, I will try and get hold of a copy. The police did arrest him a couple of years ago for assault however, i don’t think I can get them involved again as I haven’t kept a log of what’s been happening (he used to take my keys purse and phone when things were bad but stopped that after he was cautioned) and I don’t think I’ve got it in me to do that.

Thanks for confirming my suspicions that in all likelihood he won’t change and I need to keep us away from him xx

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