Can they change?

[Starmoon]

I know I can’t use specific personality disorder names.. but the typically abusive one, I’ve read lots of books about these people and often thought my ex fits the bill, but I do think he’s capable of empathy. He seemed to show it for friends, he loves them, and family, in fact he idolises his parents. He loves animals and wouldn’t ever hurt them. He seems to love his children. He just had no empathy for me… at least not when I was going through awful things like miscarriage or family members dying. He had zero patience for me and would get annoyed at how I dealt with things… which always makes me think it was me that pushed him to behave how he did. I bought too much drama to his life with my lack of direction and then the miscarriages etc. I read an article recently that said they are capable of change, especially if they are willing and feel empathy.

[Lottieblue]

Hello.
I get very confused about this apparent ability to feel empathy with others, but not me. Really confused. I can’t answer your question – but actually I don’t think it matters that you can’t pin a specific disorder on him anyway. I think that’s why you’re not supposed to think in terms of that disorder on this forum. Indeed, during one of my few chats with my lovely local WA, I was told not to bother thinking in terms of that, although my abuser really matches the traits – I think many of them do.

Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book – Why does he do that. Etc ? It is a really excellent and really helpful read. The point that is made is that if he shows empathy to others then clearly he is capable of it (as you point out) and therefore he is capable, theoretically, of showing empathy to you. The fact that he doesn’t makes him all the more abusive.

I don’t know if that is helpful at all. I grapple with this sort of question and conundrum all the time but that is a feature of abuse… our confusion. I haven’t read all that many different things but the bits I have read provide clarity while I am reading, so I know it is important to keep on topping up. Otherwise the confusion starts to take over again.

Are you out? It sounds like you are, as you use the past tense. I wonder if you are considering going back to him, hence your question as to whether that empathy might actually be directed towards you if you go back.
Don’t forget what he did to you, will you? Keep coming back here for support. X

[Anonymous]

Oh but he is changing! Just not the change you are speaking of… Dr. Scott Peck in his book “People of the Lie” says it very well. You will know them by the consistency of their inconsistencies. If he was going to change into being someone consistent, he would have done it already on his own with no prompting to do so by you or anyone else. They are who they are.

And I know the persona you are talking about very very well, have studied them most of my life, been around them, etc. And yes, they can “appear” to have empathy when in all reality it’s also a very good act. We are so close into their abuse and so willing to think it’s all about us and because of us that we see things in a very distorted way which is part and parcel an offshoot of their manipulation and gaslighting, etc.

I remember my father who was always always picking up a stray dog or whatever and nursing it back to health, people just thought he was so caring and blah, blah. When behind closed doors he was so very violent to our own dog. Got mad at him one time because he defended me against him and almost beat him to death, then pinned him up in a room in our house for years. He did the other stuff about how nice he was with animals as a front and he did it so people would see and praise him. It’s what they do.

They join churches, they do charitable work, they work as counselors, teachers, coaches, are doctors, nurses, lawyers, etc. and it’s all a front and it’s also so they can get in close to potential victims/prey as well. So they are good at what they do but you’ve had the close in scoop to who he really is and if he treated you abusively, guess what? He’s not a nice guy and has no empathy, it’s all a front. You don’t just have a little squirt of empathy going on here or there especially when people are watching. You have it ALL the time. You are consistent with it across the board. Remember the saying – a person’s character is revealed when they think no one is watching…

They are good actors. So don’t doubt yourself here. He just changes to suit whatever situation he is in and whoever he needs to charm at the moment. That other change you hope for – isn’t going to happen. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck – it’s a duck. And good for you that you are no longer with him! Hold your head up when you meet her. She’s either just like him or in for a very rude awakening. If she’s like him, two predators don’t usually do well in the same household.

[Starmoon]

Hi, thank you for your response, I have been on here for many years now (I know I can’t be specific) since someone told me what he was doing was abuse, I was still with hun then and pregnant with our youngest child. We’re no longer together though I did recently go back to him. He discarded me after less than a few weeks, then he was back with his other girlfriend (that’s if they’d ever split up in the first place)… but he’s said ‘she’s the one’ I have to meet her soon because she’s around the kids x

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