Can they change or am I just getting sucked back in?

[Grenache]

My mom used to be silent when I said I wanted to divorce my husband. Now she is trying to convince me to move back in. She genuinely thinks he is sorry and will change. I’m not so sure. It would be so much easier to just move back in. I haven’t even started going about divorce and already my hair is falling out faster than normal. A big problem was that I felt isolated because we moved to a different city for his job. Now he says he wants to buy a house closer to my parents and buy a car for me to move around more easily. I’m also so stressed because I have to start paying my student loans next month and really, really expensive grad school applications are coming up. But I don’t think these are good reasons to go back. I just don’t know. Should I give him another shot or are these just more ways for him to make me feel I owe him? I just don’t know…He is coming to my parents’ house today to talk. I just don’t see remorse. He feels he is entitled to me coming back and forgiving him. He should be begging me and my parents for forgiveness but he hasn’t. He should be asking my family forgiveness for what he did, talking about them to try to drive a wedge between my family members. My cousins (my age) will never be able to get along with him. If we have family gatherings they will always see him in a negative light and I don’t blame them. But this could lead to more isolation for me. He doesn’t show sadness over this in my opinion, just anger. And I can’t even picture myself being intimate with him, he has done too much to just forget. I thought I made my mind up and would never feel confused again but here I am yet again…

[Falling Skys]

Hi

Mine was always saying he was sorry and he would change and everything would be ok. And he did for a while but he always reverted back to the old ways.

As time went on I became weaker and weaker standing up to him became harder.

Dont go back because its what he and your mother want.

FS xx

[gentlespirit]

My son believes that his father has changed and because of that I have been pressured to have abuse amnesia and to go into denial again and pretend that everything is alright. This is another game and a way for him to maintain control over our son and my son is now making it seem as if his dad has changed and I am the one with problems now and should get over it. I feel sad realizing that my son can be mentally and emotionally abusive like his father yet instead of protecting myself and stepping back like my counselor had suggested I got sucked back in. The technical term is called reengaging so that my abuser can hurt me again and show me that our kids can hurt me too before the final discard. Please, please, do not let yourself get sucked back in or you will end up regretting it. I believe that if I had somehow found the strength to not get pulled back in that the truth would have finally come out or at least our son and daughter would have seen some things they needed to see. Please do not give him the opportunity to twist things around and to use the people you know to get you to do what he wants. An abuser will use people to manipulate you and to pull you back in to hurt you and the ones you love or to gain the ones you love as an alliance for him and not you. I know how complex your situation is and your mother is being fooled by his tactics. Trust your instincts because if you return to him your self esteem and ability to make decisions and to rebuild your life again without him will be compromised. Please do not make the same mistake I did, find the strength to stay away and not get pulled back in.

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hello there. Oh my goodness please do not go back! Your mum probably does not understsnd the true extent of it. His promises are all false he is trying to hoover you all back in. This man is unbelievable. You know what your decision is you make sure you stand by that and tell everyone that your mind is up. You only you know what’s good for you. You will struggle to be intimate with him I was I used to feel like he made my skin crawl. Every time he came near me I felt violated!

Be strong my lovely, stick to what you want, remember this is your marriage you have the decision to end it. If you are feeling pressurised that you will be forced to go back please phone the helpline they will help you weigh your options up and may help you with a refuge if that’s what you need. We are all here with you xxxx

[Racoon]

Please don’t go back. I was put under so much pressure to return and felt forced to in the end even knowing I was making a terrible mistake.

When I did return he would barely let me or our child out of his sight. Isolating me from everybody (as he believed they had all brainwashed me into leaving him). It became almost impossible to get away the second time.

It was a really traumatic time that is taking me so long to recover from.

Please remember you’ve already left for a number of reasons. I have also never heard of a single example of an abuser changing. Yes they may change their tactics but will still be abusers.

I stoped all contact with my ex and would always recommend it to be the best way with an abuser.

Set yourself a target for your future without him.

[lover of no contact]

They never change. Words and promises are easy to utter. Your gut is right to not go back into the abusive relationship, listen to it. My rule of thumb is always to do the opposite to what he (my abuser wants). He never has my best interests at heart. Even a seemingly generous gesture always has a hidden motive. At the end of the day everything is about control. Everything he does is to either establish control, maintain control or regain control. He wants to regain control over you and he will flatter or bribe you with gifts to get this. He needs a victim to control so he can feel good about himself getting a kick out of your hurt, fear and distress. Its easier for him to work on regaining control of you as he has spent so long breaking you in. It takes more effort for him to look for a new victim to control. He will only move on from you and find someone else to abuse if you go strict no contact with him and give him no more ‘fuel’ that is, your reactions.
(details removed by moderator)

[WalkerInTheRain]

He might be buying the car but you will pay for it in other ways.
They can change but it’s an incredibly slim percentage that do and only after accepting they have a problem, taking personal responsibility for their behaviour and seeking long term professional help without placing conditions on anybody else.
It’s not in most abusers interests to change as they get what they want by behaving the way they do.

Other people will have their opinion on what you should or shouldn’t be doing and not everyone will understand the effects of being in an abusive relationship.
Ultimately, this is your decision on YOUR life.

[older lady]

I do agree so much with something WalkInTheRain said about the ‘price’. What price your independence? What price your freedom from abuse? A car would make your life easier, but how easily will you drive it about while your head is being hammered by the abuse you’ll be going home to?

[Grenache]

Thank you for the kind words everyone. Lover of no contact,(removed by moderator) I have good news too, I was afraid he would turn on the charm to get me to feel like coming back but he continues to show his true colours. I really feel ok! Not great, I’m still exhausted and worried about the future but my resolve to leave is still there and I feel stronger in it. Turns out, even him planning to move and buy me a car was a lie. He is not willing to do anything at all to fix this. He wants me to quit my job near my parents and find a job in the city we lived in together. He wants me to just accept his apology and move back, “forgive and forget” he says. Even if I were to go back, why on earth would I ever forget the patterns of abuse he showed? I should be looking out for my safety. He doesn’t want me “bringing up the past” but when he keeps showing the same patterns, it’s not in the past is it? I said I have every right to be upset for as long as I want. He is not humble at all, he feels justified in what he did.

I said I need him to see an abuse counsellor (and even then it is not a guarantee that I will come back) and he is refusing. He needs to prove some change to me but he is not willing. How many chances is he entitled to and why am I working so hard to help him with HIS abuse? Enough is enough. He will not even admit he is controlling and abusive. I told him to his face that he is abusive and controlling for telling personal details about me to my family that he knows would affect our relationship, using fear to shut me up just like when he raised his fist at my face. Can you believe it – he tried to do it again!! He gave me hints he would tell my mom again, even after I told him that for me it was over when he did that. He can’t even control himself for a few hours to pretend to be better but I guess in the end it’s better I see him for what he really is. It doesn’t even seem he wants this relationship, the way he is acting so why does he even want me to move back in? Once again, it’s all about cooking and cleaning and I will never forget that the more I did it, the angrier he got.

[Grenache]

BUT my mom is still being horrible. She is refusing to talk to me and fighting with me, taking his side. If she were to kick me out I would have no where to go.

[lover of no contact]

Grenache my mum was my primary abuser, my ex husband was my second. Your mum is showing worrying signs. If your mum was your plan B and she does not want you to live with her, is there anyone else who could be your plan C. Maybe start thinking of any other options besides your mum. Have you any elderly relatives or neighbours you could rent a room cheaply from? Just an idea.

[Grenache]

WORST case I could live with one of my aunts but both of them have so much personal stress right now and it has been a bad year for everyone, so I would feel bad even though I know they would support me in that way. It’s just difficult. I’m going to see if they can ask her to stop being so harsh :/ On the bright side, in (month removed by moderator)I will have the time to get a full time job and that isn’t too far away so hopefully I find a decent one and getting my own place will be an option. I’m just glad I’m able to trust my inner voice for now. My friends have been great with emotional support.

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Please donot go back to this guy, i think your instincts r warning u of this already , its sad when we have minimal support of family , keep sseekign guidance to different options available to you but please do not go back, buying u the car is just way to control u then later make u feel guilty that he does nothing for u , these men do not change and from his attidue well i dont think he sounds remorseful

[equinoxal]

The general consensus among experts is that abusers never change, or at least it is extremely rare they do. Please don’t get back with him! My boyfriend is always saying ‘new week new me’ after I’ve broken up with him for being abusive. I fall for it every time but he never ever changes.

And don’t listen to your mum, it’s unfortunate but it sounds like she doesn’t know/understand what you’ve had to put up with. You deserve to be happy, independent and free xx

[Grenache]

Thank you so much everyone! Sometimes all I need is reassurance that my instincts are right and my decisions are ok <3

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