Can they change?

[Helovesmehesays]

I know you’re all going to probably say no, but really, can they? I’ve not seen my ex since his arrest and am not allowed contact of any kind. Will he be having support/counselling inside? No one will tell me anything and i’m going insane. I am so sorry, i know you are all survivors of horrific things, but i just can’t turn my feelings off. I’ve tried, i just miss him and love him so much. I know we can never be together again, it just hurts. I took an overdose because i can’t cope. I don’t know what the hell i’m doing an i don’t know where else to turn. I am getting support but all i do is sit in my bedroom and cry.

I am sorry, none of you want to hear how pathetic i am 🙁

[Iwantmeback]

Hello there, you’re not pathetic, you’re grieving. You’ve lost the man you love, you’ve lost the future he promised you, why, because he chose to abuse you. I dont know your story, but it’s good to see you reaching out to talk on here. Someone is always here to listen and chat back.
He may be getting some sort out therapy inside, he may gain insight into why he treats people in a certain way, can he change, I doubt it very much. Are you willing to take that chance. Have you not tried to love him enough, fix him, put him before everyone else, to the point you don’t see friends and or family at all or less than you did. Time apart will help you out of the FOG he has created. Check out FOG in an abusive relationship, it might help you.
Crying is good, let it cone, start writing how you feel, how he made you feel, what you did for him, did he appreciate it or did he ridicule you, did he ever lift his hands to you or did he just threaten to. Use the time you’re separated to get as much information as possible.
Have you managed to contact womens aid yet. If you can’t get through on the national helpline try your local one. They are great, they won’t judge you and everything is done at your pace, no pressure at all.
I’ve been with my oh fir decades, I’ve only recently admitted to myself he’s abused me fir most of our time together. Not constantly, though its felt it at times, but finding fault with everything I do, not letting me answer back as if im a child, wanting sex when I’m not in the mood, so you do it to keep the peace. Hurting my children emotionally and physically, now it’s my dogs. Once you start to calm down a bit, you’ll see how the relationship really was, you’ll grow in strength just by reading others posts on here and by posting your story too. I promise things will get better. We are you, you are us. Even though our partners dont look like each other, I bet everyone of us would recognise their behaviour in ours.

Welcome to the forum

IWMB 💕💕

[teatime]

I’m so sorry that you miss him, of course you do. But having been through the same, it’s so important to know it’s a passing phase on your journey.I felt so sorry for X because I was thoroughly sympathetic and supportive to him throughout and I was used to caring deeply for this person. But he was an abuser and he was violent toward me.
I can see now, that I had been ‘trained’ to put him first always.
I’ve had two abusive partners. Someone once suggested I liked it.
This is so untrue. What it is, my barriers were broken and this started a long time ago, in childhood.
You will heal and you will stop aching in your heart, but you must go NO CONTACT for as long as it takes.
Bless you and keep strong x

[KIP.]

What you’re feeling is perfectly normal as a victim of abuse. Try googling Trauma Bonding. Try reading Living With The Dominator by Pat Craven. What you’ve been through is terrible trauma and will need specialist domestic abuse counselling. Try to tell yourself that not matter how much you love him, loving him will not change him, nor will it prevent further abuse. No contact is horrible for us initially. It’s like breaking a drug habit. Please know that the longer you can go no contact, the easier it will become for you. Abusers make themselves the centre of our world. All out time and energy is spent on them so when we are apart, nothing feels normal for us. This will pass. If you ever feel suicidal please ring the Samaritans or get the help you need. Suicide isn’t the answer to this. You can recover and have a good happy life again. You were fine before him and will be fine again. Just take the advice of the professionals. They know what they’re doing x

[Helovesmehesays]

Thank you for your responses, i really am so messed up right now. I had a brief look at the FOG thingy online an will look at the other things suggested tomorrow. I have called the samaritans a fair few times and also the crisis team. I rang them as soon as i’d taken the tablets, but only because it would of been my newly adulted daughter that would find me 🙁

Its so hard not being able to talk to him. We spoke everyday before. I know everyone says he was brainwashing me, but i WANTED to be with him all the time. He never forced me to stay. The abuse happened when we’d been drinking. We both have problems, but after the 1st time we both said we would get help. I did, he didn’t. Just got worse after that an i found myself drinking more so it wouldn’t hurt so much when the bruises came. And if i started drinking, he would HAVE to as well.

Oh i don’t know, i’m so b****y confused, i feel like i’m in groundhog day, i wake up (if i’ve managed to get to sleep!) and it all just starts all over again. I’m just lost and even though i’m supported by so many people, i feel so alone. Xx

[KIP.]

You’re doing really well. I didn’t sleep for weeks or eat properly. It’s the basics you need to try to concentrate on. Take baby steps. Whatever your reason for calling for help. It was the right one. Yes you’re confused. That’s a true sign of an abuse victim. It’s going to take time for your brain to process things so meantime just be very kind to yourself. Well done for reaching out. You can recover from this. You deserve to. You deserve a happy abuse free life.

[Iwantmeback]

Hello again. I found once I admitted to myself what he is, that’s when my world fell apart. I hardly slept and when I did get up, I’d lie on the couch with the covers pulled over my head to shutout the world. I couldn’t eat or drink, I survived on Lucozade. I couldn’t see a way out, I felt ugly, worthless. I couldn’t wash, I was the proverbial bag lady. I was like that for months, if it wasn’t fir finding this forum, reading posts and posting my own, I’m not sure I would be here.
It’s taken a while but I’ve reached out, I wish mine would be arrested, it would give me good reason to end it. I’ve been in this relationship for decades, I’ve stopped loving him. Once they’re out of your head, becoming emotionally detached happens next. Everything takes time. It’s literally baby steps love. One day at a time, don’t rush anything, your in charge, no one-else.
Take care, keep posting and learning, he really is toxic. I started drinking during the day last year so he’d not know, I refused to allow his treatment of me, make me use alcohol as a crutch, to numb me.
You can do this💜💜
IWMB 💕💕

[Helovesmehesays]

I just want a glass of wine. I’m so effin lonely. I’ve sat here all afternoon/evening just crying. Its been months but i still just feel like i’m in quicksand. I’ve reached out to so many people, yet i still feel so alone 🙁 i’ve not spoken to any of the dv people (i put off appts i had booked with 1 lady) the other 1 i saw when i was in hosp, but to be honest i don’t remember much of the conversation. I’ve only actually spoken to 1 person about what actually happened that last night he was arrested an banged up (oh except the police when i gave my statement) i tried ringing the national helpline a few times but always got ansa machine (i KNOW how busy an understaffed they are, definately wasn’t a dig at all) i just want to give up :'(

Thank you again for taking the time to respond. I really am in a dark place at the moment, searching for the light, but just can’t find it 🙁 xx

[Lisa]

Hi helovesmehesays,

Thank you for posting here, you received some good replies, and I agree that your feelings are natural for what you have been through. It’s positive that you’ve reached out for support when you needed it.

I’m sorry you’ve had difficulty getting through to the National Helpline, if you feel you can leave a short voicemail with your number and a time-frame for a call back, they will always call you back. It sounds like talking to someone directly could be some help.

Your local domestic abuse service could also provide some support, particularly in the form of a group recovery program; many survivors find it really valuable to meet other women and to learn more about the complexities of having been through abuse.

Keep posting when you can, there’s lots of support here,

Lisa

[Iwantmeback]

Hello again🤗
have a glass of wine, don’t deny yourself. We do what we do to survive! You’ve been in survival mode throughout your relationship. You don’t realise you are, that is because the abuse creeps up on you bit by bit. While you’re having your wine, start writing, doesn’t matter what, just let the pen flow across the pages, maybe print in case you can’t read it back in the morning😉 I feel as if I’m in mud so get the quick sand analogy. I also understand why you’ve put off the appointments. Once we start talking of our situation, it makes it real. You’re not alone in this, it’s a lonely lonely road, cos each of us have to walk it by ourselves, that’s the only way we can take charge and become stronger.But we’re a click away. Have you tried your local wa centres instead of the national helpline. I went there. Took me weeks to pluck up the courage to make an appointment. It’s so out our comfort zone, they are all versed in DA, you’ll do it when you’re ready. Even if it’s just us talking to you or all you can do is read others stories. I spent weeks reading before i actually posted. Again once i did even that, the genie was out of the bottle, but we’re totally anonymous, none knows who we are .
One lady phoned Samaritans constantly she said, sorry I can’t remember who it was. Please dont let him be the cause of you doing anything to yourself. Once I realised It was the relationship i wanted dead, NOT me, it got a little easier for me. Have you managed to speak to your doctor too, once mine knew what was wrong she’s been great. She/ HE can put you forward fir counselling too, you just need to ask.
Some of us are on here late into the evening, into the early hours of the morning. Be safe sweetheart. You’ll find you soon someday, I promise 🤝
IWMB 💕💕

[Apricotpoppy]

Hello I just wanted to say hi and sorry to hear what you have been through you. It is so painful when you love them so much.
You are not pathetic at all, you been through some terrible abuse , all of us here understand. Keep posting xx

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