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…I do not think so. Day to day small interactions like sharing responsibilities, talking about anything, being reliable, they don’t seem to be able to manage such simple small social actions.I thought of a holiday that we were going on, I arranged 100% & he just attended which in itself is not right. He just about made the train, then he tried evading his train fare, I was so angry. I did everything to give us a good relationship, he just went along for the experience as he wouldn’t have had it otherwise.I don’t think these men are capable of having normal healthy relationships with women they just do not have the skills.
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No. My ex said something that I brushed off at the time, when I tried to end it with him, he said he had met someone who was ‘interested in him’. I’m now thinking, if I met someone I’d say I’ve met someone and hes really nice, l really like him. Not I’ve met someone and hes really interested in me?
I think it shows how he thought in terms of relationships. I think it shows insecurity too. Am I reading too much into it? -
His primary concern was that this person was interested in him, rather than anything about her, her personality, likes ,dislikes, things that the two of them may have had in common. It seems it was mainly how she could serve his needs, i. e, ego boost, not seeing her as an independent separate person. It’s very shallow & selfish.
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I don’t think they can. More importantly, I don’t think they want to.
I think abusers are basically anti-social creatures. They don’t want to conform to norms.
I think this comes from them telling themselves they are special ( to hide from deep-seated lack of self esteem). To compensate for a deep la know confidence, they consciously tell themselves they are better than others and others are inferior to them.
For the above reasons, they con people; are overly competitive; hold grudges; only mix with people they can get things from or who they see as special in some way.
If you google Cluster B personality disorder, you will see that many people have two disorders at once. For example, a person with n**********c personality disorder will also have antisocial personality disorder or oppositional defiant disorder.
I realise now my ex felt he was being contained in a marriage. He used it for financial improvement, status, ax, food, to look normal to society, but in his mind he was a free agent Ho just used his family and abused them. This isn’t many abusers like to have affairs. They don’t likening told or expected to be faithful. They like to make up their own rules.
They abuse boundaries to prove to themselves and others that they are their own boss.
They are basically subversive and anti-social.
The worst of them- psychopaths- commit terrible crimes, to be notorious. They would rather be famous for being a murderer or criminal than for being a benefactor. This is because they are essentially dark, jealous people who are attracted to doing wrong.
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I was a target for his needs only he never loved me .. he was stringing me along….. love dont hurt!!!! I loved this guy so much!!! . Hes gonna try blame shift me .. nah i got the power i will drive him all the way to jail!!!!😆
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There is much scope for discussion on this subject. In my opinion these abusive men can not have normal healthy relationships. To the outside world they are normal happy functioning men, they say and do the right things, it all seems pretty normal. Even in our days of courtship we think we have found our ideal men.
It is all an act, a huge act. These men reel us in to their way of thinking often they turn situations around to their advantage. As long as we are boosting their egos, pandering to their charms, providing the comfort of life’s little necessities our relationships are great. Sometimes they slip up and reveal their true personalities, guess what? It is never their fault. We are blamed.
Once they start to feel insecure again they look for other opportunities, in other words their next victim. We are discarded, wondering where it all went wrong. Deep down all they care about is getting what they want our needs don’t count. The aftermath is devastating. Whilst we nurse broken hearts they have moved on with out batting an eyelid.
Reborn x
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What I find interesting about this discussion is I don’t think they can function in any normal relationship, including their own families and friends etc.. My ex didn’t have anything positive to say about anyone, literally anyone, but mostly to their faces he was this great guy. Behind closed doors he would b***h and moan about them, even the guy he considered his best friend. He has some long standing friends but they only see the life and soul of the party, which is why they are still happy to be friends with him. If they heard what he actually thought about them…. he also picks up and drops new friends like you wouldn’t believe – those that he can impress and dominate hang around longest – those that are brigther or more sucessfull than him don’t.
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Dear Herindoors, I agree completely with your post. Looking back every one of my ex’s relationships were not normal or healthy with giving and taking, sharing and caring. His relationship with his best friend from school days , this person was his ‘flying monkey’ during abusive situations he was used to manipulate me and as part of the mind games. My ex was very domineering and would over talk and dominate his whole circle of friends. They were not a particularly nice or welcoming group of people to me and did not make me feel welcome, he also created a false picture of me which in the end his whole circle of family and friends gave me the cold shoulder, i cannot imagine the lies that he told. When we were together he told me secrets about his close friends, big secrets. It seems these abusive men do not operate normally in most paths they cross.
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Ditto for mine. He criticised everyone and everything behind their backs yet everyone saw him as so friendly and laid back. ‘Good old X’ they would say. His family all collude in some weird story about him being the best out of his siblings (including his siblings!) Very odd. Sometimes I wonder if he just pretended to hate people and things as an excuse to keep me isolated and miserable, but he has no real friends. It’s all a fake chamaeleon act to use people for his own ends.
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Chameleon, that was my ex down to a t. Once he even admitted that himself. He would suss out the person he was with at that time, & then create a false persona which looked as though he were so akin to that person,a soulmate! I found some really good reading on this before in The Devils Toolkit by HG Tudor, this chameleon adopting technique is called “wearing the goggles of reflection”.
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