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Hi all, hoping for a little perspective. I came out of a dv relationship (detail removed by moderator) ago, I had been receiving counselling up until the lockdown and just started the the freedom program. I’m very aware that I struggle to see red flags and make excuses for others bad behaviour. I know I’m not ready for a relationship, I may not be for quite a while but (detail removed by moderator) months ago I started a friendship with a man who I’ve been very clear with about not being ready for anything more than just friends. He has feelings for me but has said he’s willing to wait.
We’ve had some lovely times together, lockdown has been quite difficult, more so for him. There’s been a few tensions between us and on 2 occasions where he said something that I’ve found upsetting and then he’s said it was a joke, blamed the stress of lockdown and we’ve fallen out over it. (detail removed by moderator), I was at his, we’re in a “bubble”, we were joking around then he gets angry, said something about me being juvenile, I’m a f*****g b***h. I’ve closed down now, I don’t hear anything else he says or I say although I think I told him but to call me that. My ex used to call me a b***h, that’s when I’d know I was in for a long verbal assault if not more. I’m in fight or flight, planning my escape route, which I don’t have, he’s driven me to his house and I’m panicking. He sees I’m upset, starts apologising, explaining its only a joke. I can’t speak to him, I’m visibly upset although I’m trying not to cry, partly unsuccessfully and he eventually takes me home. I’m embarrassed by my reaction, i just wanted to tell him that’s not OK but I couldn’t say a thing.
(detail removed by moderator) he’s coming to mine to talk about it. I don’t get the joke, can’t see how you can look, sound and say angry things without actually being angry and then think that’s funny, I’m not really angry ha ha, don’t get it! In my mind he was angry and reacted in an abusive way and we’re done but I’ve thought that the last 2 times and he’s always talked me around. Then part of me thinks I’m overreacting, maybe because of my past. I guess I’m just asking for support and if anyone has had similar experiences.
Thank you in advance, C x
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Well if it is a joke I’m not sure what normal person would find it funny. I think you may have made up your mind about this but are seeking reassurance. It’s not just this one incident that worries me, it’s the fact that you say it’s happened a couple of times before. It does sound like the abuse cycle.
Whether it’s abuse or not, there is one thing that you do know; you don’t like what he is doing, it’s triggering you. You don’t need to persevere with a relationship that makes you feel like that.
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In my abusive relationship there were very few blow ups in the first year and the odd moment was downplayed. Of course it escalated and I wish I had listened to the warnings.
I think you know these are red flags and I think it does not gave the makings of a healthy long term relationship.
Given your history this man should be even more conscious of how his behaviour can affect you.
I’d say walk away. He is going to try and persuade you otherwise – if you can cancel seeing at all today I would. -
I think we do minimise the behaviour we want to hold on at all costs. I was thinking about this recently no wonder we cling on we work so very hard on theses relationships. Trying to fix them not giving up not realising that what we’re putting so much effort into something that’s is never going to be achieved. I actually saw it as a challenge! How wrong I was. What he is doing is verbally abusing you it’s no joke xx love diymum
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Just because you may not have had sex with this man, or kissed him, it does not mean that this is not an ‘intimate relationship’ per se. He has told you he has feelings for you and will ‘wait for you’. So he is waiting for you to be ready for a relationship with him. In his mind this is already more than a friendship. I don’t think you are both on the same page, so just be mindful of that.
With regards to the way he treats you and speaks to you, well I’ve never had a friend of mine call me those names and I’ve never called a friend those names either. That is beyond friendship, it’s downright disrespectful and rude. If he acts like this as a ‘friend’ then you can guarantee what he will be like as a boyfriend/lover.
Intimate relationships are more than having sex. The legal definition of DA is about an intimate relationship and therefore, perceived to be that people are having sex, but there are still people who will not have sex outside of marriage, yet will be in a relationship with someone and engaged to be married etc. These people still experience abuse. It is possible that your friend has ventured in to this ‘intimate relationship’ field with you. I bet if you told him you’d met someone and was going on a date with them at the weekend he would not be happy for you and wish you a good night out would he? It may be time to take a bit of a step back from this friendship, otherwise I think you could find yourself becoming involved in an abusive relationship without realising what it actually is.
With regards to the ‘joke’, it’s an easy way for a cruel person to be cruel, and then say it’s a joke to make you think you overreact to things, need to lighten up a bit, you can’t take a joke, too straight laced blah blah blah. It’s the ‘monopolised perception’ again. Turning their awful behaviour round on you and making you feel responsible for your feelings that they have caused, instead of them taking responsibility for causing you to feel hurt.
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Abuse happens when your defenders are lowered and you are pulled into thinking you are safe. It’s happened a few times, but even once out of the blue is one too many times. Some men know how to hide and disguise anger. Getting angry for no apparent reason is a red flag.
Walk away. Work on becoming your true self again. You shut down, which shows you may be dealing with PTSD. Learn to love yourself and be kind to yourself.
You deserve better than this man. You deserve to be in a safe, loving relationship. The freedom programs teaches you to listen to your gut instincts. I think you already know what you want to do.
Take care, stay safe x
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I agree with everything the other ladies have said. Maybe someone makes a poor taste joke once, they get it upsets you and then I would expect them to be very careful about doing this again and not do it again!! His idea of a poor joke is really concerning, I don’t like the sound of him at all. I used to get “it’s a joke”, “you’re not as much fun as you used to be” etc on a regular basis, it makes you think you are being too sensitive, losing the plot etc. Then you end up not questioning it which in effect means he can say anything cruel to you he likes as it’s ok if it’s a joke. You are not over thinking this he shouldn’t be doing it! You know he shouldn’t be doing it. Please don’t get anymore involved with him x
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Sandcastle, I hope that you find strength to Zero contact this one.
If that was me and my close friends got an inkling of it, I know they’d want me to stop contact.
I trust their judgement and they’d be right.
I read this like, how would I feel if my friends were telling me this after what you’ve been through- there is no way I’d want them in this situation.
Major Red Flags.
Take care now, remember you are a Survivor- channel your inner warrior spirit but just make sure you do it in a way that keeps you safe.Soulsearcher
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I wished I had took notice of the red flags in the beginning. Looking back there were so many.
One argument we once had ended in him saying b******t. I told him I hated that word so guess what? It became one of his favourite words to say.
Decent men don’t joke around pretending to be angry, and when an abuser is mad, manipulation follows.
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Hi Sandcastle
I agree with everyone else – these are red flags. You do already know they are red flags but are doubting yourself. This is perfectly normal, but the minute you feel unhappy or uncomfortable is the minute you walk away. No question.
I would ask why you felt obliged to meet up with this man, seemingly with the promise that although you’re not ready for a relationship he just has to bide his time. You haven’t promised him anything and you don’t owe him anything. Not even an explanation. If you have to tell him anything, say again that you’re not looking for a relationship. If you haven’t already met up since, turn down any request to chew over the upset. You really don’t need to explain yourself to him.
Trust your instincts, walk away,and cut all communication x
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