cannot deal with this pain

[LozzyX]

I have told him it’s over ….again. and now I’m devastated.
He has been very ill with depression and I’ve watched him slowly fade away it’s heart wrenching. But with the depression he also has some.messed up childish behaviours as well as constantly talking about taking his own life. Everything we do , his needs must come.first. I had enough, have told him.it really is over now …he has text and phoned me from.his work all day and I truly believe he is devastated…and *his leaves me feel so devastated.

I know I need to be strong and do this for.me. but I can’t bear to see him suffer. How messed up that for months, years even , so.often he has not treated me right.
.but now it’s me hurting for him

I feel like my head is going to explode and my heart totally break. I feel it physically as we as mentally.

Yet this morning I felt so relieved.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this my whole life. Last year I left him on much worse terms and guess I felt justified.

This time there was more choice involved and decided I didn’t /couldn’t put up with him anymore…but now I feel so so terrible , like he isn’t even a bad person just got to self absorbed and learned some.manipualtive behaviours from.his childhood that have really messed him up.

I still.love him despite everything . But yet I know I still need to go!

If anyone knows where I’m coming from or survived such a conflict of emotions any ways you coped please let me know , I need reminding right now!

[diymum@1]

I think whats really important here is (and ask yourself) would you let someone go if they were unhappy? That is love 💔 when you put that person you love before yourself for their sake. It’s very hard to do yes but you set free what u love don’t you xx I would. He’s putting his needs foremost again in this situation. You have one chance at life. All I can say is try to bury your guilt – saying he will kill himself is also not fair on you xx he’s not putting u first so you have to xx do it for you ❤️Hope this makes sense !! X*x

[LozzyX]

It makes total sense DiYmum… Just gosh I keep getting so upset ! All these emotions I guess I’ve been bottling them up for months.

I feel.i should have just stayed out of his life.when I left last year…

He seems so vulnerable…not just now but over the last 12 months …I realised how deep his depression has got and to be honest that’s why I’ve left it so long til now as I knew this time it was going to hurt so much more, as I know.he really did try, I have seen first hand now just what depression does to a person. It’s evil..but he hasn’t been really been helping himself and in the process dragged me down with him

My head is just spinning.

[LozzyX]

I realise I probably need some serious help myself.

I think he’s my drug, he’s not good for me , terrible in fact, but for so many years my life has revolved around making sure he is looked after ,ok etc…

Now I’m so lost.

But I know I have to be fair to both of us and walk away.

This feels just so much harder this time.

[Lisa]

Hi there Lozzy, it really would be a good idea to get as much support in place as possible. You can get some ongoing practical and emotional support from your local domestic abuse service. You could also get some support from Women’s Aid through the Live Chat.

Best wishes

Lisa

[Author]

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