Cant Agree Child Care Arrangment’s, Split of Children’s Time

[Flowerpot-100]

I need tips and advise please on how to deal with this situation please….
After (detail removed by Moderator) years of being in a controlling, toxic, mentally abusive relationship, I have brought a house and will be moving out in just over (detail removed by Moderator). I am starting to feel excited of the prospect of a fresh start, but filled with dread at the thought of not waking up with my children every day. But I know it is the right thing to do, as I want my children to learn that it is not normal for me to be called ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’, or for me to be put down for everything I do, I want them to be able to see someone love me properly in the way I deserve one day.
My (detail removed by Moderator) year old know me as the constant in their lives, I do absolutely everything with them and for them. My partner never does bedtimes, never cooks, never does their home work, never wipes their bottoms, rarely plays with them, you get the idea.
Their relationship with their father is to sit on him while he watches TV and he makes them watch inappropriate programmes he wants to, or to watch inappropriate videos on his phone. He does some time play football (detail removed by Moderator) in the garden, but he never takes quality time away from what he wants for them.
We are trying to agree what days the children with stay with each of us. My partner is all about what he is ‘entitled’ too and will not reduce on 50/50 split of their time over a (detail removed by Moderator) week period.
For me this is totally wrong on so many levels, firstly the are not used to being with him that much, secondly they will be moving into a new home, as well as getting used to not being with me all the time, so it is going to be very hard for them.
He is also saying, he is being flexible as I can come to his house and help when he has them, by putting them to be and have dinner with them and he will come to my house too. So basically he wants me to move out, so he can move his girlfriend in (which he has been seeing for (detail removed by Moderator), whilst we have been together) but wants me to be on tap while he has the children, to come and look after them at his house.
I have recommended to him we start with (detail removed by Moderator) days with him across a (detail removed by Moderator) week period and once they are use to living somewhere else and not being with me so much, we could increase it. He wont budge, so we are at stale mate. He keeps threatening court, which I know I can’t take physically,emotionally, financially and I know he would use his charm and lie to the courts to get what he wants.
I simply do not know a way around this to come to a decision, but we need to, as we need to tell the children in the next couple of weeks about the move.
Any suggestions appreciated.
Thanks

[Lisa]

Hi Flowerpot-100,

Welcome to the forum. Well done on all the progress that you’ve already made. Your motivation of wanting your children to know abuse isn’t normal and to see healthy love is really beautiful.

Your partner is using this issue of child arrangements to continue his control. It’s not really about him wanting 50/50 custody at all. You mention it being all about what he’s entitled to and that includes entitlement he thinks he has over you. I’m glad that you see clearly his claim that he’s being flexible by saying you can come and look after the children at his home on the days they’re there is to continue access to you. Threats of court can be really scary and abusers love to use them because they know how important a woman’s children are to her and how devastating being separated from them would be. Getting some formal legal advice and learning about your rights can be really empowering and help you decide what you want to do. Rights of Women and Coram Child Law Advice both have a lot of information on their websites about child contact and have helplines you could reach out to with questions. You might want to reach out to your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing specialist support, they may be able to help you access legal advice.

I hope some of the other users are able to share their wisdom on this issue, but just a reminder for everyone not to share details of any court cases or legal proceedings here.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

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