Can't believe I am sharing my story

[Jeannie]

My husband and I have been together for half of my life. We met whilst at college. He was caring, funny, polite, thoughtful, everyones friend, the life and soul of the party…..hot headed and a bit of an idiot if he had too much to drink. At the start of our relationship we were often out drinking with friends. We went out on our first (detail removed by Moderator) together, got bk to my parents (they were out) we had an argument and he became abusive, I was upset and asked him to leave. He wouldnt and when I held the front door open shouting at him to go he punched me. After a visit to A&E I had a fractured rib. He was so remorceful & promised it wld never happen again. I loved him & believed him. I lied to my family and friends.
Everytime we went out after that we wld end up in some sort of argument, shouting and pushing each other, me defending myself and not wanting to let him push me around, I fought my corner. One night I stopped him from strangling me, he had scratches all over his neck. His friends saw that as me being drunk and abusing him, if only they knew. But then i started to question myself, was it me that was out of control? We had a very passionate and volatile relationship, we were both very strong willed.
I knew he couldnt handle his temper when he was drunk. Was it my fault? Did I wind him up so he was unable to control his actions? Is it all my fault?
I moved into a flat with my best friend and within a few months he had moved in, his relationship with his mother wasn’t great and he had problems at home losing his temper.
One night we had been out, my best friend wasn’t at home. We argued and he smashed a few things around my flat, it was more than I had seen previously and I was scared. Although I was drunk and way over the limit the only thing I could think of was to run to my car to try and get to safety at my mum and dad’s. I somehow managed to get out of the car park but then I smashed into (detail removed by Moderator). I wasn’t hurt thankfully.
Passers by helped me back to my flat. He had gone. The next day he apologised and we made up.
This went on for years. He was always apologetic and disgusted in himself once he was sober. I always believed he was going to change, coz he loved me so much. Every holiday, wedding, party would always end in tears, my tears, as he had chosen to put alcohol before me and therefore became the man I feared. Before we were married there was another serious incident were he was drunk and shut my arm in the door as I tried to get out of our flat, it was an accident but I had another visit to A&E, my arm was broken, another elaborate story covered it to our friends, family and work colleagues, I was becoming quite the pro. But that night was different, I was really scared, so much so that when I got out of our flat I called my brother for help and he took me back to his house. The next day my two brothers and I went and saw him. It was late in the day so I thought he would have sobered up and would be in the remorceful stage. He wasnt, he kicked off, called me every name under the sun and how I was out of order for telling my brothers, he blamed me for the argument and his actions. Maybe it was my fault? Was it? My brothers were of course furious and warned him this was his last chance, seeing three men I love argue and shout at each other was heart breaking. They didnt know he broke my arm, I told them I fell. Things may have been different if I had of been honest. Would I have gone ahead with the wedding? Who knows.
We told his parents and he attended a programme to help him. We also attended
a counselling session together that his mum arranged. He said he would stick to a two pint limit to prevent getting drunk and out of control again. This worked for a few years but he seemed to forget the limit everytime we went out and soon I became the bad person for reminding him and stopping his fun! I couldn’t relax, I had to monitor what he was drinking to know that I was safe. As I’m typing this I know that it is all wrong!
As I was constantly on alcohol watch the violent episodes disappeared, he would still get angry and shout but that was ok,we all get angry don’t we? Had the violence disappeared coz he had changed or coz I had learnt to keep my mouth shut? If he came home drunk I would be so gutted & furious he had broken his word but I would pretend I was asleep so we didn’t argue. I no longer questioned why he was crawling in at 3am when he said he wld b home at 11pm. I realised that it wasn’t his fault, it was the alcohol and I just had to keep quiet so I didn’t provoke an argument.

Years after we were married I became pregnant, we had a beautiful baby girl. He was the perfect dad in every way. He went out one night with friends. I did my usual, laying in bed watching the hours go by wondering if he had stuck to his limit, had he been hurt? got in a fight again? been arrested again? gone off with someone else? (I don’t think he ever did that but who knows) He didn’t message to let me know he had just changed his mind, he had got drunk and decided he was staying out to party…..for the whole duration of our relationship that’s the only one thing I asked of him, if u aren’t coming home when u said u were just give me the decency of letting me know. Was that so unreasonable to ask? Maybe it was.
Anyway, I heard the taxi pull up, I was asleep but somehow I wld always wake up. I looked out the window and saw the state he was in. I ran downstairs and locked the front door before he got there. No way was I letting him in, no way was I going to risk him hurting me now we had our princess in the house…..Again, how crazy does that sound? This is not right, as I am typing this I am realising how my marriage should never have been like this. Anyway after about half an hour of him trying to get in the front door and back door he realised I wasn’t going to let him in, he gave up and went to sleep in (detail removed by Moderator). Although this was years ago I still so clearly remember watching out of the window, I saw the (detail removed by Moderator) door shut and knew he must have given in and was going to sleep. I felt a huge relief but then was over come with guilt at how uncomfortable he was going to be. It was summer so I knew he wouldn’t get cold. I didnt sleep that night.
The next morning, before he woke I called his parents. I was scared of him waking up and being angry with me. His Dad went to the (detail removed by Moderator), he was still drunk, he 100% was very angry at me for locking him out of his own house. I again was the person in the wrong. I remember saying that was the last time it was ever happening, this was definitely his final final chance, the change HAD to happen or we were over and he would only see his baby every other weekend. I would never let him risk hurting our princess by accident, me however I can cope with, but my baby, no chance. Typing that I am so angry with myself, I am worth so much more than being hurt by the one person who is supposed to love and look after me. Yet years after this incident I’m still questioning my actions every minute of every day!
For a few more years he controlled his drinking, I still had to be the one constantly reminding him why he was to limit his intake, remind him of his promises and what was at risk but it just became the new way. I was still on edge but as he kept reminding me he hadn’t been violent for years now so everything was ok. We had our second child, a beautiful boy. I had the perfect family, everyone thought so. Over time the 2 pint limit crept up to 3pints, 4 pints until one night changed my life.
Our children were at a sleepover at the inlaws. Over the last few months I had lost weight, started to feel more confident, people were commenting I looked good. The last few times we had been out I had been accused of fancying our friends (everything I am writing reads just like stories I have read online yet I’m still doubting my decision). We went out with all our friends, one of our closest friends was moving away. It was a great night. Until we got home. We started to argue, he thought I was flirting too much with one of our friends, we have both always been flirty with the opposite sex, that’s just our personalities. I wanted us to go to bed. He didn’t want too. We argued upstairs and he pushed me onto my son’s bed, I hit my head hard on the wall and I think I passed out for a few moments. I remember trying to get up and thinking that he must see that he has hurt me and any minute he will comfort me and take my pain away. He didn’t, I remember him being above me on the bed with his hands round my throat, I kicked and pushed him and managed to get free. I went across the landing into our bedroom. He pushed me and I landed on top of our (detail removed by Moderator). It smashed into tiny fragments, most of which were stuck into my left bum cheek and the top of my leg. I laid on the bed crying and bleeding until I fell asleep. I woke in the morning to knocks coming from our front door I got dressed and went downstairs, he wasn’t getting up, he was still passed out from all of the alcohol he had consumed. It was his sister and her husband coming round to borrow (detail removed by Moderator) for a family get together. Yet another function I wouldn’t be attending due to a drunken incident, another story/excuse for my absence needs to be made up. I couldn’t hold it together this time, my acting skills weren’t covering this pain and heartache and I burst into tears! His sister asked me what was wrong and I pulled down my trousers to show her. Her face made me realise that it was serious and she apologised for his behaviour. They left and I went back upstairs. I woke him up and asked him to help me to pull the tiny bits of glass out from under my skin. He did it for me and he cried whilst doing it. He didn’t remember any of it. He was inconsolable and I felt immediate sadness for him. I was more worried about him than my pain.
We had yet another heart to heart and I said this was it, I could never risk my children being witness to something like this or worse still subject to this. Seeing as he had no memory of it how could he guarantee he would never hurt them? As stupid as it sounds it was ok when it was just me, I’m strong, I can take it. But now I am a mother it’s completely different I need to put myself first so I am there to look after my children. As extreme as it sounds I could have died that night. For weeks afterwards the lump on the back of my head wasn’t reducing in size and the headaches were unbearable. Could i have internal bleeding, could I be dying and not even know? I lied to family, work and my friends saying I had fallen off of the trampoline in our garden and hit my head on the concrete. This was the last lie I was willing to tell. I went to see the drs and they sent me for a scan on my head. Thankfully everything was ok it was just a hard knock and I had had concussion. What if i had of died that night? How would he explain that to our beautiful children? What if they had been at home and been witness to it?

I told him I was done, I had given so many chances in the past that there wouldn’t b any more. He begged me to stay, told me he couldn’t bear to live without me or our family, told me that he would change for good and he would sort himself out. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, he never shared with me the research he had done to find a programme to support him. When I plucked up the courage to ask him what he had done (not that I was scared to ask but because I didn’t want to hear the realisation that he hadn’t done anything and I knew we wld end up arguing) he told me that he didn’t need to attend a programme or counselling or anything else. Alcohol was the problem and he knew he had to control it, so the only person to help him was himself, no-one else could help him. At this point I felt like I was going out of my mind. Really, he thinks he can do it himself? If that was the case surely he would have done it himself years ago and we would never be where we are today? I was so disappointed, hurt, angry, beside myself! I paid to see a counsellor. It helped me to talk about it but I was getting more annoyed as time went on as I wasn’t the one with the problem, it should have been him talking to get help.
After a few more months he finally agreed to try to get help and we went to a few joint counselling sessions, they asked him if he would give up alcohol seeing as it was the one thing that had caused all of our problems. He replied “If she wants me too I will”……it was that one sentence that stuck in my head. Yes, yes, yes, of course I will give up alcohol, I’d give up anything to be with my wife and family……are the words that should have automatically come out of his mouth without any hesitation, I would have done it for him, i offered to also give up alcohol to help support him. I researched a few domestic violence programmes but he said he wouldn’t go as he would control his drinking himself. He had been years without being violent so he could do it again. We only attended (detail removed by Moderator) counselling sessions together, I left it for him to book the (detail removed by Moderator) hence why we never went back.

I asked him to move out of our home, he refused to go at first. I made a few choices that in a way i regret but in so many others I dont. I told our friends, family and work friends that we were having problems. That he had a problem with drink and had been violent. I shouldn’t have told so many people but I was so drained and tired of it all I think I just had to release it.
We both believe very strongly in marriage being forever but I just don’t think I can do it anymore. We have been apart for (detail removed by Moderator) now but I am still feeling the doubt and guilt of my decision. I constantly feel guilty that he isn’t in his home that we built together, he isn’t reading a bedtime story every night to our children, he isn’t in the bed next to me, waking up to family cuddles.

When I told his mum my choice was to be apart from him for the sake of the children she told me I would be physcologically damaging them, had I even considered the affect it would have on my children? She said how it’s not about me, I should be putting the children first. She stayed with her husband through tough times for the sake of her children, to keep them mentally grounded…..at this point I could have laughed at her hypocritical bs but I didn’t. I remained respectful of her opinions and I left her house with a new strength. I know what I am doing is the right choice. However every day I have the same questions going round my head.
Is this the time he is going to finally change and I am not standing by him?
He has problems and he needs help, is it right for me to turn my back on him when my vows said for better and for worse, in sickness and in health?
I had to tell our children we were breaking up, I asked him if we should sit down with them together but he told me that he didn’t want to break their little hearts, if I did want too then I could tell them. So I did. They often ask me when Daddy is coming home and it breaks my heart, I would love for us to be a family. We live very close [(detail removed by Moderator) away] talk daily and he still wants me to change my mind. Everything we are going through is my decision, my choice, he never wanted us to be apart and he will always tell me how much he loves me and can’t live without me, he will never give up like I have!! After being apart for (detail removed by Moderator)mths he has been attending a domestic abuse programme, he is on his (detail removed by Moderator) week. I haven’t seen much change as he still loses his temper when things don’t go the way he wants them too. Oh and he is still drinking, but limiting himself. I still love him but I’m not in love with him. Which makes this decision even harder, I cld get bk with him for the kids, so they have a mummy and a daddy living together, but what if there is a next time. What then?

So this is me, reading it back it feels alien, like I am reading some one else life. This can’t b mine. He is a lovely man and I would still defend him to anyone,I don’t and wouldn’t let people talk badly of him. If it was someone else telling this story I know exactly wot I wld think.
I doubt my actions to be apart on a daily basis. Hopefully one day i will realise that i am making the right decision.

If u have got this far then I thank you for reading, it has helped me to write down the main incidents from my relationship. Reading it I would say I was a victim of domestic violence but I don’t feel I am. I feel we have both made the wrong choices and now we are both living with the consequences. I should never have forgiven him all of the previous times, I should have been honest with myself and my loved ones. I should have walked away years ago. We have two beautiful children and I am adamant that they will not be affected by our actions. I will prove his mum wrong, I will ensure they are not damaged in anyway as I am walking away from domestic violence, at least I think I am! My next decision is if I file for divorce, hopefully soon I will make up my mind, put the guilt behind me and confirm my decision.

[cupofcoffee]

Oh hun what a horrendous story, it sounds like you gave him chance after chance, but now he has run out of all those chances you have given him. And his Mum sounds like a nightmare! Unfortunately, that is quite common, men have backup from their mums who cannot see that their precious boys are abusers.

It sounded like alcohol was the cause or the excuse for his behaviour, but I noticed that in your story he only seemed to be aggressive and violent to you only and behind closed doors, men who have blackouts on alcohol with anger issues would be hitting out at everyone in public, their friends, etc, so it is interesting that he was not so out of control that he could “control” his anger so that only you got the brunt of it when he got home.

Stay strong hun and expect a lot of guilt trips from him and his family next but this is all gaslighting and diverting blame, HE did this himself, HE destroyed his family after endless last chances.

[Jeannie]

Thank you cupofcoffee. I appreciate you reading and responding. I was starting to regret posting it as I have never done anything like this before .

What you say does seem true though. He has got himself into fights after drinking but generally due to him losing his spacial awareness or getting on people’s nerves.

I am trying to be strong. Thank you again.

[KIP.]

You absolutely did the right thing for your children and you. Better to come from a broken home than an abusive one. As you know abuse always gets worse. I spent years blaming alcohol for my husbands behaviour but lots of people drink and are not abusive. He just hid behind the alcohol. Like you I used to try and stop or limit his drinking but the drinking was never the problem. He was. Do not feel guilty for him. If he wanted to live with you and your children he would never have been abusive in the first place. I actually put a lock on my bedroom door and like you when he came home drunk I would lock myself in my bedroom. Who the hell lives like that. It’s shocking how we change ourselves. I spent decades trying to sort my problems until I found Women’s Aid and realised I was never the one with the problem. Ring the helpline on here and find your local women’s aid. Things will never change with this man. He has proved he can’t look after you so it’s time you did x

[Jeannie]

Thank you KIP. Your words are very true and my head agrees with everything you say. It’s my heart that makes excuses for him and makes me think that he hasn’t been able to help it. I know deep down if he wanted to change he would have. I think it’s just the realisation that for whatever reason I was never worth it. Even though he continually tells me how much he loves me and can’t live without me the sad truth is he clearly doesn’t or isn’t capable. I still believe i should stay with him to help him to get “better” but I know it’s not the right thing to do.
I will take your advice and call them. Thank you so much x

[puzzledatlife]

Jeannie, I think we love them because there is something to be loved. In my experience people who are so abusive also are somehow very vulnerable. I have never had physical abuse by a partner but emotional and psychological, very much so. Only on 2 occasions and I ended up devastated in both cases. And both men were really loving, the ‘perfect’ men. Maybe it is a mask, maybe it is two sides of them, but I do understand and relate to what you say when you say you love him.
I think now you need to be patient with yourself. You have helped him and now you are helping him by looking after your (and his) to kids, keeping him in your life and close by, keeping your kids safe and giving them a good example. Especially to your girl, imagine what kind of message you can give to her if you keep your husband hitting you or scaring you: she’ll end up in the same relationships, because that will be what is familiar to her, what you say it is ok, it is strong characters to endure this. You are doing a lot and this is all you can do. Sad thing of life, which I learnt many years ago, is that we cannot persuade people to do what we want, even if this is clearly the right thing to do. If he wants to do the big step of changing, not just the drinking, but addressing his anger and destructive behaviour, he will, and I hope for you all he does. It would be a big relief. Think that nothing is forever. Try to think that now you are doing this because it is the only option, the future is open and it will be better xx

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