Can’t believe Im still here

[Fluffski]

Hi everyone

Ive just logged on here again after 2 years and reading my previous posts has really shaken me. 2 years and everything is still the same, but Im even more non existent.

I’ve been in a relationship with my husband for (detail removed by moderator) I moved away from family and friends for a new life with him. Textbook, pretty much as soon as I walked through his door the devaluation started.
He’s a covert verbal and emotional abuser. I couldn’t figure out for years what was happening, it just felt bad. I read and read to try and understand and eventually figured it out. The cycle goes like this….any difference in opinion, or me simply expressing a need, want, complaint etc is met with various covert attempts from him to remain in control, avoid responsibility, confuse and silence me. So minimisation, changing subject, invalidation, gaslighting, denial, blame shifting, name calling, defining and judging me etc etc. He remains calm during the whole process, and over the years my ability to do the same has gone. I’m petrified of his mind games, of knowing I’ll be misjudged and labelled and although I try to remain calm, I’m at the stage where I often become very triggered and upset. Then he flips the whole scenario to be the victim, ‘look at you, look at what I have to put up with, you’re mental!’
My mental health has gone downhill, I’m binge eating and have engaged in self harming, something I’ve never done before. Ive had occasional panic attacks, for the first time (detail removed by moderator)
I am at the point of ending the relationship, and the last month I’ve felt real grief for the loss of what I once thought we had, and the dawning on me that it WAS him all along, which has really hit home. I’m still doubting myself as to this frequently as I’ve been told I’m broken so many times I believed it.
Leaving is a huge leap for me from where I am now, physically, emotionally and financially. Although I recognise leaving is probably my only real option, I want to make sure I’ve tried everything to wake him up to his behaviour and create change.
The only other thing I can think to try before I leave in the hope is to change my response to his manipulation by trying to remain as calm as I can, as I know his intention is to throw me off balance as his ‘winning’ and remaining one up is then certain.
So how do I manage to keep calmer? Im in such a mess
One last question, this abuse I still keep wavering and wondering if it is all in my head…with a bruise you can see it. With this it’s like trying to plait fog…I doubt myself and wonder if I will be believed as Im still so unsure myself. Would a refuge take me?

[nbumblebee]

Ive been here over 2 years on this site married 23. So I hear you there im still struggling to accept the A word and it drives me crazy he drives me crazy.
I doubt everything. Last week he was fowl and even afterwards i doubted it I thought maybe i had mis heard mistaken what he had said becauseim so desperate to see this all as abuse maybe i see things that arent there so i told my counsellor what he had said and she was disgusted. This showed me that its not in my head. Do you have skmeone you can talk too? Someone who can help you see this as abuse more clearly so you stop doubting yourself?
I dont recognise or like the person who ive become this isnt me and ibe lost who I am over the years its so hard.
I completly understand.
You say you are almost at the point of leaving whats stopping you? Im sure a refuge will take you abuse is abuse sweetie you dont need bruises maybe have a chat to womans aid who can help you further with this.
One more thing my counsellor tells me “dont feed the beast”
He wants you to react to shout cry scream ive learned not too.
I dont ignore him as thats just as dangerous but I calmly say ” thats your opinion but its not mine and i walk away i dont engage its hard i wanna cry but I wont ever react ever. I wont give him that.
You are strong you are brave and you can break free sweetie.
Stay safe keep posting xxxxx

[Hereforhelp]

Hi fluffski, reading your post resonated with me and how I felt before I finally separated for good (your information you bravely shared will have some info removed to keep you anonymous on this forum, I am a similar age to you, over 2 decades with an abusive husband, it took me a few attempts to leave for good).

This jumped out for me…

“I want to make sure I’ve tried everything to wake him up to his behaviour and create change”

Nothing you do or day will wake him up as he knows what he is doing. You have been with him for years, nothing you do will change his behaviours as he knows what he is doing and won’t take responsibility or be held accountable for his abuse as these men will blame anyone other than accept they are abusive… they usually blame their partner and then change the narrative that they are the victim.

Have you contacted your local womans aid? Or your GP? My mental health was shocking towards the end, like you I tried everything to make things right again. Now I have been out a while I.can see how pointless my efforts were to make things right as it wasn’t my job to appease my husband and only he could change his behaviours.

Please try and not to be hard on yourself for not leaving, it takes a lot to leave an abuser, it’s not like a normal/healthy relationship whereby 2 adults have a conversation and part ways fairly without any threat of repercussions.

Big hugs
HFH ❤️

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