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Feeling a bit low.
My beef with my ex was his treatment of our kids.
Yes, he was abusive to me, but I could tolerate that ( he made me believe I deserved it), but I couldn’t bear his cruelty, humiliation, control and punishment of our children, especially my eldest.
He came from nothing, and rather than want his kids to have what he never had, he wanted to deny them having what he hadn’t had as a child.
His father is a brute, and I lived with my ex repeating the sins of his father,I know realise.
I know a lot of exe’s try this, but there are a lot of posts from heartbroken women whose exe’s have cut contact with the kids, and are only it retested in annoying they, the women.
My ex is the opposite: he is now doing things for the kids and giving them what he would have got angry about them having before.
Of course, this is mixed up with mental and emotional abuse – covertly done, so below the radar. He fooled Cafcass, largely.
I just can’t comprehend how he could put his kids through such torture and make them live in such a desert, starved of love and affection and perks for so long, and yet now he is offering it to them, yet I know it is because he is trying to ‘compete’- he was jealous of my love for my kids ( he used to ask me who I loved best, the kids or him), and what he would love more than anything is to destroy my relationship with them.
It is purely an ego thing, I see that. There is no higher level, moral compass present.
But it hurts, to look back and think what he put us through for years.
Maybe I need a last minute rant in 2015, before 2016 arrives!
Is anyone else in the same boat?
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Hi Serenity.
I don’t think this represents a change in his behaviour it’s just a repeat of his rollercoaster of abuse you’ve all been exposed to for years. He’s Mr Nice one minute then he’ll turn nasty.
Is he showing the boy’s false affection and then he’ll withdraw it and turn on them? Or is it just that he’s trying to impress those in authority?
He hasn’t changed. Abusers don’t.
Mine’s turning the nastiness on our daughter whilst accusing her of being a spoiled ungrateful brat – obviously as a result of my rubbish parenting! He was Mr Perfect separated Dad before that. He’s been so abusive of her in last few months shes ignoring him and has essentially gone “no contact”. She’s identifying incidents of emotional abuse in media, films, books and also in our lives so I think the penny has dropped with her.
He’s trying to worm his way back in to her life but I think he’s lost her trust.
The seesawing affection is so confusing for us as adults and I can’t imagine how teenage/adolescent brains cope with it.
You’ll do what you are so good at and supoort and love your boys, cope with their outbursts and tantrums and down days.
Don’t trust him.
Love to you all xx -
Dear serenity,
What I have found over the past few years is that any ‘pleasant’ displays of behaviour are just a facade that abusers just cannot maintain. They are so easily bored and also after instant gratification. You are a huge support to your children and I am sure they will see through this disingenuous behaviour. Abusers do not change: they just change tactics.
I, too, feel a little low at the moment. It is strange as I have had a lovely loving Christmas with my family and children and am desperately looking forward to the new year but I still do not have closure with my ex. The police are still investigating ‘stuff’, that I cannot go into, and I wonder where it will all end up. I feel that if they decide to take no further action due to a lack of evidence I will be back in the same position that I have been in for months now. I know that he will not leave me alone and if bail is lifted I will then have to battle for peace again.
Sorry to write about myself – like you I feel a little low.KL
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Thanks both, and Happy New Year!
Katie Love, you are right: my ex was easily bored – it was like he needed change constantly. He won’t be able to give the children focus or continuity.
White Rose, I feel so sorry about your daughter. I hope she can be strong against him.
Katie Love: I am sorry you feel low- It is so tiring ploughing through all the legal stuff. But what is happening under the surface is that you are getting stronger all the time.
Hugs X
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Dear Serenity, I have just had my children back as my ex had them for a week. An incident of nasty verbal abuse occurred before Xmas by my ex and his mother. Unfortunately I have needed to log it with the police as I have simply reached rock bottom. Now the children are back they have heard complete lies from them. Not only have they denyied the verbal attack, they have told them that I should not have left as their Daddy was a kind man and I am abusive. I can honestly say hand on heart I was submissive and we very rarely argued as I learnt early on that there was no point.
My children suffer from emotional abuse as he tells them that he has no money to live and I am trying to take the house off him, my daughter was putting her pocket money in a Christmas card to help her father. What is that saying about how my children view things. He plays a victim which would gain an Oscar. But funnily enough my eldest is wising up to things a bit more. She is making whispers that she is not that kean on his mum trying to take over. She is always staying with him when he has the children, and I don’t think my daughter likes the way she tries to take over and she said that she thought her Dad and his mum had a very unusual relationship.
All you can do is indirectly teach them about power and controlling and manipulative behaviours by everyday things tv programmes, books and situations at school. That way they will recognise their behaviour hopefully more timely than perhaps we were able to. X x x -
Hi Serenity,
I agree with you and it gets on my beef too!!These men are just awful the push me pull me tactic with us is one thing and not right but with children older or younger is just not right.
With my 2 and his 1 he played a blinder – he was ok with my daughter but after living with im and then moving out due to him getting with our friend he asked me to live with him again but not my daughter she was older but anyway she didnt live with us. My son he didnt speak to unless my son spoke to him first and said he she be respected, when my son was young he asked me ‘why does ……… look at me funny (i brushed this off) or why do I have to speak first others-wise he wont speak to me (this I said because your a nice person) He didnt like my son at all and hated it when I did things with hi or for him, is this a male thing with males because my son is one of the nicest young men you could meet and has always been lovely – right from a young age he would hold doors open or shake someones hand in meeting, help anyone out in trouble etc. hummmmmm yep my ex was jealous
Even though he says he was there for both my 2 he actually wasnt and he lies by saying to people he was. both my 2 Hate him and are so glad we are away from him, I think they would disown me if i went back.
With his daughter they would take the mickey out of me or push me out actually they have a weird relationship, however when he was in a mood with me he would be better to her and if good with me he would be controlling towards her, mind you he would control her and his ex-wife. At the end of our relationship he used her to go against me then pull me back in and we ended by not talking. She used to confined in me when she couldnt talk to her mum and dad so its sad really but shes not mine so nothing I can do.
lots of love
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Yes serenity and all those who have posted,
It is incredibly sad to realise that children are used as a weapon or lever in our abuser’s world. When I think of my ex, I wonder how much genuine love he has for his children. Each of the children have voted to keep their father at no or minimal contact. My youngest has just opened a channel of communication after a period of no contact. Ex uses push/ pull tactics all the time. Everyone in contact with him is put on a merry go round. The children have wised up because they are adult and can see through the games and manipulation. Ex always said to me ‘your trouble is…(.always the same preface) you put the children first’ He always resented that and constantly created trouble to cause friction between family members. But, he has ultimately suffered because the kids keep him at a distance. At least our relationships with our children are genuine and loving and fulfilling. Abusers can’t have that because it would mean they are not centre of attention or calling the shots. It’s control not love they get a kick out of and kids see through the act eventually. -
Hi. I suspect the change wont last (I am sorry to say). I agree with all the above posts that it is possibly just part of a game he is playing with everyone’s emotions. It is possibly a control thing or he is simply playing mind games with everyone, creating confusion. My husband has other children to 2 different women. He walked away from his first batch of children when they were very young and had no contact at all until they were teenagers. Interestingly, he has a very strong relationship with them now, or at least he does at first glance. They are all girls and he treats them differently to his sons. He is comfortable financially and quite often takes them out for meals etc. The bitter part of me thinks he is buying their love and they allow it. His relationship with his sons is totally different. His son to his previous wife has been taken out of the picture completely. He saw him regularly until he was about 4, then right out of the blue he had a bust up with his ex and he stopped seeing his son altogether. It is like he doesn’t exist. He is incredibly jealous of our son and the relationship we have (had). He has told our son that he can’t wait for him to leave home and then he will have me all to himself again. He has also pointed out to him that he was my husband before I was his mum. I seriously doubt these men love their children, or at least in a normal, appropriate way. They are just something else to control and manipulate. I refer to them as things because I believe that is how abusers view us and their children and things and not human beings x*x
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