1st August 2019 at 2:27 am #84729
Hi I am new to the forum first post I have done a lot of my journey without speaking to anyone for advice or help.I have been married a few years and things were great to begin with but as time went on my husband became abusive in many ways it became unbearable to live with and I asked him to leave.He then went away said he was getting help for mental health and promised he would not treat me like that anymore so I agreed to give it another go which resulted in me falling pregnant and him becoming just as abusive agin if not worse.I asked him to leave again and I allowed him to visit the kids which one day resulted in a physical incident while I was pregnant so I reported it and got a restraining order and the police went for a criminal conviction which he denied (detail removed by moderator) now I have been completely anxious can’t sleep feel at risk and know that he will bully me at any opportunity.I have no idea what to do and fully expecting him to be outside my hosue tomorrow.i know I can apply for a non mol but feel humiliated after today and worried no one will believe me it’s so unfair even th older children are upset.If you have any advice I would really appreciate it thank you
1st August 2019 at 6:25 am #84731
Wow. Firstly well done for getting this far. I’d contact your local women’s aid for support in this matter and I’d definitely get a non molestation order in place. Just because he wasn’t convicted doesn’t mean you weren’t believed, to simply means there wasn’t enough evidence in law. The threshold for a conviction is very very high. It was very of (detail removed by moderator) to give evidence. I’ve done it and my ex made my son give evidence. That’s shows just how much he didn’t care to put his child through this. Your ex is also going to know that you’re prepared to hold him accountable using the police if necessary and will probably think twice in future. You’ve nothing to feel humiliated about. You sound strong and brave, getting through the court process alone is a daunting task that many women won’t even tackle. You’ve taken a knock, but you will pick yourself back up. I bet nobody has ever said they don’t believe you. Apart from your abuser messing with your head. I felt the same way. Very often abuse escalates during pregnancy. Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven? Keep posting. Hold your head up high and be very proud, you’re setting a great example for your children. They don’t need to put up with abuse.
1st August 2019 at 8:16 am #84736EbonyRavenParticipant
Well done on coming so very far. As Kip says, it really isn’t that you weren’t believed, it is about the extremely stringent aspects of the law. I assure you, magistrates can be very frustrated by not being able to convict.
If he turns up at your home don’t hesitate to call the police. They take each report seriously, and it will show him you are not afraid to deal with his abuse. It will also show the children that he can be dealt with.
Do apply for the non mol. Take some time to write down as many incidents of abuse, or times he made you or the children frightened of harm as you can think of, this will make it easier for whoever might be helping you with it.
Make sure to include things like him standing in a doorway to prevent you leaving the room whilst he was verbally abusive, or if he grabbed you or the children by the wrist, for example, to stop you walking away from him. Document if this sort of thing made you feel trapped, frightened etc. These are things we minimize and don’t even think about being abuse, but they are. They are indicators that he could escalate too.
Do you have set contact orders in place? If not, maybe get that in order to ensure he can’t turn up as and when he feels like it. Maybe go through a contact centre. There are other ladies with experience of that who can advise better than I over that ‘though.
You have been extremely strong and brave to come so far practically alone. You are allowed some support now. Speak to WA, Rights of Women etc. That’s not weak, it is one step forward.
1st August 2019 at 8:58 am #84742FlowerchildParticipant
I’m sure you were believed, darling. It’s just the demands of evidence, and an abuser waits until you and your children are the only witnesses.
It might help to look at it this way: they know he’s done it before, even if it can’t be proved to the high standard demanded; he daren’t misbehave again! Can you get some CCTV in, and dashcam for your car and practise getting record up on your phone? That way if he acts up you will have the evidence for next time – if there is one
1st August 2019 at 9:35 am #84745BeautyMarkedParticipant
You’ve been through so much and on your own. This is the problem with the criminal justice system in cases of domestic abuse. As it happens behind closed doors, getting enough evidence to satisfy the high burden of proof requirements is so difficult. That doesn’t mean it didn’t happen or that you are not believed although it feels that way. It’s so unjust and I think more should be done to allow those who have suffered from domestic abuse to access justice.
What a difficult position you have now been left in. The advice from others is good. Do keep posting x
1st August 2019 at 6:55 pm #84774AlwaysSorryParticipant
You have received some really good advice and just wanted to show you some support, too.
I believe you. And I believe you were believed that day but the law prevented justice, it wasn’t because of you. The burden of proof is so hard to lift. You and your little ones are so brave for having gone through this.
Get support from WA, you say he is your husband so if you are in need of legal advice you can also call Rights of Women or CAB.
Stay safe and keep posting x
1st August 2019 at 7:30 pm #84777HokeycokeyParticipant
Magistrates are extremely frustrated in DV cases. It is such a high standard of proof and often feels skewed towards the perpetrator. Believe me they’ve heard so many similar cases they ‘know’ when it’s happened but our judicial system is such that it is not very easy to prove “beyond reasonable doubt.”
Try to document as much as you can and remember to describe any thing that causes you harassment , alarm or distress. The prosecution should state the number of previous call outs for DV. This often gets missed and frankly , magistrates can’t unhear, what they’ve heard!
Well done for getting this far.
Take care x
1st August 2019 at 9:02 pm #84787
Thank you so much ladies for your kind kind words I could not sleep all night after him being found (detail removed by moderator) yesterday and spent hours thinking what to do as I was so scared.I went to the (detail removed by moderator) and requested a non mol without notice and was granted it!!!just when I felt I couldn’t cope with what happened I was granted help again.As I was there my ex turned up don’t know if he followed me or not but asked the lady in office for a form to see his kids.when I returned home I found out he came straight from the purr to outside my house and was shouting to all who would listen he is innocent.less than (detail removed by moderator) but had been told he is not to bother me and go through correct channels for the kids. (detail removed by moderator) but I don’t know who I give it to presumably the court until then he can parade around so I don’t feel safe and feel like he’s waiting to catch me and the kids.
1st August 2019 at 9:16 pm #84790AlwaysSorryParticipant
He sounds horrible, but I am so pleased you got the non mol! I wish I knew how it gets served, but I am hoping the court can help you with that.
It’s a dreadful display he is putting up and if he keeps it up, make sure to involve the police as perhaps they can get him for harassment or at least give him a telling off. Not normal behaviour is it. And no matter what he says, he was not found innocent was he. (detail removed by moderator)
1st August 2019 at 9:31 pm #84792
Ring 999 if he turns up at your home. He has no right to be there and you have a non mol to show to the police.
1st August 2019 at 9:35 pm #84794
A non-molestation order is, in English law, a type of injunction that may be sought by a victim of domestic abuse against their abuser. It is one of two types of injunction available under Part IV of the Family Law Act 1996, the other being an Occupation Order. A non-molestation order is aimed at stopping harassment from a partner or ex-partner and also applies to any children that a victim of abuse may have. A breach of such an order is considered a criminal offence in English law.
So it’s a criminal offence to breach the order and he will be arrested and put in front of the court. Please do ring 999 if he breaches it x
3rd August 2019 at 6:48 pm #84943
Thank you ladies again I got (detail removed by moderator) to give him the order who is close friends with him it’s very awkward and because my husband was (detail removed by moderator) for the last incident they all think I’m a liar and I feel so isolated like everyone hates me and thinks I’m this spiteful woman who has made this all up.i ahd to give to my neighbour as the order needed to be served ASAP but for doing that they all now hate me think I’m ruining this mans life I have always been a fighter and tried to not let things get me down but I spent half a pregnancy feeling isolated and now even worse I am a single mum now to (detail removed by moderator) children including a newborn and people are treating them differently because I have spoken up it’s horrible and makes me feel depressed and anxious like I just want to run away.no one knows what we went through and me and the children feel like we have to hide
3rd August 2019 at 7:01 pm #84946
It’s called victim blaming and there are many reasons behind it. Please don’t think you weren’t believed. He was arrested and now you have been granted a non mol so that’s all you need to remember. It won’t be long before his mask slips around others and they will see the real man he is. Meantime just hold your head high and take all the help you can get. I was extremely paranoid in the early days. I thought people were all talking about me and nobody believed me but nothing could be further from the truth. You’re still extremely vulnerable and not thinking straight due to the stress and trauma. Do you have any friends or relatives that could help out for a while. Would you consider moving home for a fresh start. Talk to local housing officers and explain your predicament. That also you want to move for your safety x
3rd August 2019 at 9:08 pm #84959
Yes I’m trying for an emergency move it’s been a struggle living so close to his best friend and being watched through him.i don’t understand why people would victim blame it’s so horrible yes I feel paranoid too I keep looking around for him thanks so much kip for all your help
4th August 2019 at 12:44 pm #85008EbonyRavenParticipant
Whilst you are still in that house; have the police offered you a DV Kit? They come round to the house, look for where they can add a little extra security and lend you things like motion alarms, a door bar etc.
I found that having these things in place really helped me feel that tiny bit less anxious.
Ring the officer who’s dealt with it before, or call 101 and ask for the domestic abuse unit.
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