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Sounds like such a silly thing but im so stifled. Aside from 24/7 isolation where im kept in the house, i cant even have phone calls without them being monitored. Everytime i make or pick up a call he follows me and stands over me. I am suffocating. Im trying so hard not to let him see me cry but this lonliness and zero privacy is sucking the life out of me
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Your situation must be very difficult to bear if you have no privacy or space to do what you want. Would you like to leave or do you have any plans to leave him? Is there anybody at all that you might be able to email or get to help you x
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Im desperate to leave but he makes it near impossible as he never leaves my side apart to go to shops and even then he always takes one of the kids, so i cant just run while hes out. My friend had to make a few calls on my behalf a while ago as i was unable to. I have a support worker but i cant even speak to her as he lurks. I am completely trapped and he knows this. He sleeps like a baby in bed each night while i sit up all night trying to find a way out for me and my kids. Its tearing me apart. Hes literally just had a go at my son for sitting on the sofa….god i cant live like this much longer
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Omg you are in a horrendous situation. Could you get your friend to get in touch with police and get them to turn up and get you and the kids out of there safely and take you to a refuge or something. I really wish i had an answer for you that could work you shouldnt have to live this way x
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Dear Scaredandlonely, try not to worry, there is hope, you are on here for a start that is brilliant. You will get the guidance and support in how to make changes. Are you certain that you are using this site securely? does he check your web browser? There are guidelines on the Womens Aid forum about using the site securely.
I’ve been out of my abusive situation for a while now so its easier for me to see things more clearly. I know that when you are in the thick of it you cannot see the wood for the trees. I think the first thing to be sure about is that you definitely want to split up.I decided my ex did not have the core decencies to make a decent long term relationship so it had to end. If you are certain about what you want it makes it easier. If you have decided you want to split and your sure your safely using this forum we can help and guide you into what to do. Are you?X*X
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There are no rooms in a refuge atm, i have to just wait. Hes just smacked my kid and i told him its outta order now hes sat with his jaw clenched, cracking his knuckles heavy breathing. Thats a sign hes fuming. Hes never hit me but hes gearing up for a screaming match. I can feel it. Would the police be able to do anything? I dont drive and dont know this town (he made me move here) so i wouldnt know where to go, cant even get to train station to get back to my hometown.
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Where i live if i rang the police and said my children and i do not feel safe i am sure they would come and help. Even more so if he is hitting your children. Even if the refuges are full they can get you somewhere safe. As HA has said you are in the right place and hopefully someone can advise you properly on how to do this safely. I can only advise what i would do in your situation.x
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Would he know about womens aid and the forums have you mentioned them to him or he to you. Please be careful x
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Ok try not to mention to even mention it in passing. If hes that suspicious it will set off alarm bells. Stay safe and keep posting we are all here for you x
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It is really crucual that you take ultra care of the security of your phone, have a look at the womens aid forum front page, it gives you guidance on deleting your browsing history so if he did get hold of your phone he wouldn’t know what sites you looked at. If the worse comes to the worse and he does get hold of your phone and finds this site, there are so many women on here, all of which have much to say about similar things, it will take him some detective work to work out that it is you. But please make sure that you are ultra careful, delete browsing history all of the time, lock your phone, change passwords regularly etc.(detail removed by moderator)I think that you need to start getting smart with him. Make him think and believe he is in control. Pander to his whims, do what he wants you to do, butter him up. Go along with what he wants. The trick is to get him more comfortably and relaxed & give him a false sense of security. All the while you are getting your plan together to leave. It takes some planning and organisation. Be very careful as if he realizes you are doing this he is likely to get very violent. The option of going into a refuge would be for you and your children to go somewhere for a temporary period of time, maybe up to six months, he would not know where you are. Your children may have to change schools and you change work arrangements. But during this time you can then properly rest and start thinking about your life and making it better. Housing, kids education, work, where you live, getting a home etc. We are here to support you. X*X
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I close all tabs and regularly delete my history. I am acting like all is normal. But normal in this rship isnt a good thing. Its me on eggshells sitting in the house all day. But i spose thats an easy facade to keep up. I have been asking him for a split for years now and he has said he will never allow it, nor will the law as we are married and marriage means life. So im expected to stay in the house waiting for his next rage for the rest of my life? Id rather die. He emotionally blackmails me, uses my kids as his ultimate threat of revenge if i do leave. He knows i cant live without them so this threat instantly stops me from going. But im dying inside and the kids are miserable too
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I got 30 days free trial with Amazon Unlimited, during those 30 days I read a good 50 books on abuse, they are all short reads, not full novels. After the 30 days you can cancel the subscription without paying. Can you do this?
I think that this forum can definitely help you. When you can and when it is safe, read all that you can on the posts, they will give you answers. A lot of the women will be in the identical situation as you are now and you will learn information that you never knew before. I am worried about your husband either discovering you are using this, or when you leave to go to your friends, getting really violent. A high number of women are killed when they try to leave. http://mysistershouse.org/domestic-violence/profile-of-an-abuser/
Does he know where your friend lives? or can he trace you any way when you go to stay with your friend?
Personally I feel that you would be safer to hold out until you can get a refuge place. It shouldn’t be long, and then there will be absolutely no chance of him finding you, unless you let slip.
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No he doesnt know where she lives, and i doubt he could trace me. He will look for me at my but nobody will tell him. Very few folk even know. Even people im close to. He hasnt hit me, but i feel like he could when hes in one of his rages, he pushed his face right into mine once screaming at me full force cause i said i want to go home, that was scary. And used to choke me during sex as he said all women love it…i dont, it scares me. Thats where hes clever, he doesnt hit. (detail removed by moderator)…hes tried this a few times this week, its weird. X*x
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Hi Scaredandlonely,
I just wanted to show you some support. Please know that if you want a refuge the helpline can help you find one. Even if there is not a refuge available in the area you wish their to be one, you can always move once a space becomes available. Is there ever a time when he is out and you are safe to phone or flee? If not then can you phone the police and explain how much you are being controlled. He is abusing you and is exerting coercive control because you are afraid of him and that is a criminal offence. If you could get them to come you could tell them the level of abuse you are experiencing and that he is also abusive to your children and they will help you. They could remove him to give you a window to secure a refuge. It would be great if you could tell the police that he is abusive to the children and beats them as that could be useful evidence for later if he tries to get contact with them.
Another option could be to text your support worker if you can as she can help you find a refuge and safety plan with you. It is possible to text 999 if you don’t want to be overheard talking but they do stress- include that you want the police, say you are experiencing domestic abuse, give your address and you simply text 999. You should receive a text notification within 2 minutes and if you don’t then please re-send.
Please stay safe and try not to raise any suspicion of your intentions. I really hope that you can be free soon, yours safety and existence sounds horribly compromised.
We are all here for you.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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He rarely goes out without one of the kids. I dont know if this is cause he thinks im a flight risk (i have begged him for a seperation loads of times, he refuses) this is my primary fear, how do i get time to get my kids away?? Im also scared in case he carries out his threat and does manage to take my kids off me. I dont feel able to call cops unless he is in a rage, as if hes sitting quietly on the sofa the cops will think im a time waster? And i certainly dont want him going into a rage as its terrifying. I wish someone would just come and take us away from this safely without me having to sneak around. I dont even know how to get clothes for the kids sorted. He controls the house. There are no private places to store anything. Im mentally exhausted. Thankyou btw lisa for your message. Im losing hope by each day that passes. I cant see myself ever being away from this xx
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You will get away Scared it just takes logistial planning. Maybe you will have to forget kids clothes, most belongings etc if he controls it all. You can always pick up this stuff once your out. Their are charities that can help you and the abuse organisations can help you. Does he not go to work? How do the children get to school? You may have to one day (once the refuge place has been found), just up and go quickly. Take your purse, keys, toothbrush sort of thing and go. It may have to be that drastic. All of these things are small and can be sorted out later.
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Hi, sorry i had to disappear my interest in my phone was raising eyebrows. I am going to completely contradict myself here because i too have issues with phoning the police if he is not on one but what you describe sounds very hard to bare and he might not have hit you yet but it could just be a matter of time.I read about the throat thing that you said that he says women are supposed to like. Take it from someone who knows that fascination with strangling is dangerous whether sexually or in a temper there is no difference. It gives them a buzz that is hard to recreate. If he feels he is losing control he may put you right in dangers way. Please if you can text 999 and when they turn up explain everything lisa has said so that you and the kids are safe. They will take you seriously and they really would want to help you all be safe xx
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I’m tending to agree with Dramaqueen.
You can get out quickly. It will be messy, very scary for you and a huge upheaval but this will be a way to make the break.
I’m trying to think of other ways of you breaking away with the kids considering he monitors everything. There will be a window somewhere, If you do not want to call the police. He will slip up one day and you can make a run for it. Do you think you can prepare everything and then bite the bullet and call the cops?
You could leave that night or the next day if he is arrested.
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Oh no love, hope youre ok? Im gathering youve experienced the choking thing?? Are you still with him? Hope you dont mind me asking.
I really dont want to call the cops unless i have to as he is a brilliant manipulator/liar, and he will put on a loving husband act and they wont believe me and then my cover will be blown. If that makes sense? It really is when he thinks hes losing control of me and im gona leave that he really badly loses his temper. The last time i said i want to split he went ballistic, started throwing things, slamming doors, screaming….but to the outside world hes a quiet friendly bloke. Its crazy. -
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Yes i have experienced it his is in anger. Yes he is still here. I know what you mean about the charm they are certainly good at that. The last time i had him arrested he tried saying i had kicked him and made out it was a two way thing. To be arrested would be my idea of hell so he knows I will think twice.
I have the same issue when others get involved he ramps it up because he feels he is losing control. Very frustrating, i end up defending him and fighting outside agencies who are usually trying to help. It is the lesser of two evils they are just gonna get hacked off at me he can do far worse.
I do get what you are saying as long as things are going their way life has some sort of normality. It becomes second nature not challenging them and if you do you are the one instantly in the wrong because you created the drama by doing something they dont like. I really hope u find your way out xx
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Dear Scaredandlonely, I am really worried about you. While I can tell you what I think would be best I think you would be better sticking like glue to your DV support worker, perhaps even sending a private message to the moderator on this forum. Explaining about your inability to call the police, they should be able to work with you on this to find the safest way to leave. They are the the professionals who know how to handle these things. You can mail the moderator today, the site is monitored 24/7 and you normally get a response very quickly. I have been worrying about you overnight. You husband sounds really dangerous. I think if he gets wind of you trying to leave or something goes wrong and he finds you, all the indicators point to something serious happening. Please mail the moderator today won’t you.
On a more positive note. All of this is just working through the problem at the moment about you getting out, how it will happen and the logistics. Afterwards there will be a lot of steps to overcome, once you are out. But we and Womens Aid and other people can help you with those. Have you watched the film Sleeping with the Enemy with Julia Roberts? this reminds me a lot of your situation. Let me know how your night has been and whether you spoke with the moderator. How is he at the moment? Don’t forget like gospel to lock phone, delete browsing history, you know what to do each and every time. You do have some control in this you know. You have managed to get a dV support worker. You are managing to use your phone and are coming on here. You have these aspects of control. You are also able to verbalize on here what is going on. These are things to hold onto. X*X
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What would i say to the moderator? I dont even know if its worth leaving now as i read a comment here about kids going into care after a mum leaving her bloke, id die if that happened. Im so scared for their future. I had a dreadful night, sat on my own thinking so much to the point i took a massive anxiety attack. Hes in great form, even left me alone with the kids for 5 whole mins to go to shop. Wow huh. Yea ive seen that movie, its creepy. I doubt itd be to that extreme though, i nearly told him lastnight as im wondering if i explain he might understand. He might. But i also cant take his good mood as a green light as he just snaps. My head is a mess. Im not coping at all
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Dear Scared, the reason that I suggested speaking to moderator or your DV worker was because you said that you were too scared to call the police. They are more qualified that I am to advise you what you can do to help with this. I can see that the moderator has already sent you a message with some advice so that is good. I definitaly think it is worth you leaving, you can’t possibly stay, your children will have a more awful future if you stayed in such a toxic relationship. At the moment its all so worrying and scary for you what is going on. As the time goes on things will start to happen which will get things moving in the right direction, i.e out. You know in your gut if telling him how you feel and what you want to do will make him react. I am so scared for you, the things that you have posted on here are really worrying. His level of possessiveness and control, strangling you and thinking this is normal. I dont think you should tell him, please don’t. Quote from article: “Of the total domestic violence homicides, about 75% of the victims were killed as they attempted to leave the relationship or after the relationship had ended” http://www.domesticabuseshelter.org/InfoDomesticViolence.htm At the moment he appears to have let go of the reigns a little bit?, by going to the shop. This is what you want. Him more relaxed but without suspecting anything. The time will come when you can leave and go into a refuge with your children and then that is that part over with. Please do keep posting, and locking your phone. XXXXX
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They didnt believe him i dont think i was told about it after the fact but i never hit back because it makes it worse and the one time i did he had me pinned strangling me and i slapped him in the face to shock him into letting go and it worked. I told police straight away what i had done and they said it was self defence. I would have passed out otherwise.
Re your kids social services wont take them off you if you leave,they want the kids to be safe and they would want to help you. They much rather you leave an abusive relationship than suffer. Xx
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Im so sick and scared right now. I suffer anxiety and this situ is putting it thru the roof, nights are the worst, i just sit and think and panic and fret. I made the mistake of watching that countdown to murder lastnight and a woman was killed cause her hubby found out she wanted to leave, i wanted to run there and then, it chilled me to the bones. So, yea, telling him wouldnt be good. Hes unpredictable. Yea, he went today again without any kids….just 5 mins again but hopefully ill even get an hour one day, thatd be enough time…
I hit him once, he was in my face screaming and i was so scared i just wanted him to stop. He still reminds me tho, that he has never hit me so im the bad one in all of this, i believe him sometimes. My WA support told me i wont lose them too, but its a worry i have as a girl i know said she lost hers cause she left her abusive bloke, but ive been told that shes likely not telling the whole story, my anxiety condition doesnt help, it makes me analyse and panic over everything xx -
I have anxiety and panic attacks etc too so i do know how you feel. I have a similar reaction to you at the thought of making the break because you are trusting other people to help and to keep you safe and i have always done that by myself. Various agencies etc have tried to help but usually i will start off well something will go wrong and then i think well if you cant get that right then im not trusting you to keep us safe. The good thing is that you are getting out from the off and i think i am quite difficult to work with. You can do this once your mind is set but please do it carefully x
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I know im going to sound like a hypocrit here but they can and will help you if you are ready. They can be trusted i know lots on here who have got out safely because of agencies help. I have very bad trust issues and i am a nightmare to work with because i get defensive. If i could go back and start again i would do things so much differently. Plus he is always aware when people get involved and then his threats get so much worse and i lose my bottle. If you want my honest opinion trust them dont end up like me xx
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You would probably get on great with the agencies. I guess a note is personal choice. You could organise contact centre or something but i am sure the professionals would advice you how best to go about that x
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He will try and brainwash them against me i know it as after he has been screaming at me and whatnot, the next day hes taking them for ice creams and being fun dad, whereas when things are just going along without any rows hes always yapping at them. He always tries to get them on side. I also just remembered his mother telling me once that hed tried to strangle her. I asked her about it and she denied ever saying it. Very frustrating as i can remember her telling me all about it.
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I think as a parent if your child has a tendency to be violent then any future partners should be made aware of it. There is also Claires law that allows you to find out if someone has a history that is relevant as in have they been in a dv relationship before etc. As the kids get older they will see through the whole brainwashing thing. Kids are clever they will see what he is doing x
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Yes i agree. She told me a while ago then he was going off on one one night and i rang her to see if she could calm him down and she didnt believe me (even tho he was ranting) and when i said to her about what he did to her she flat out denied ever saying it! I was begging her for help and she completely ignored me, pretended she couldnt hear the noise he was making. I couldnt believe it.
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If you call 999 and tell them you are held as a prisoner they will immediately come, free you and arrest him. He is in serious trouble. Just for your information. You have good chances to get a lot of support.
Imprisonment of a person, restricting the freedom of movement, is a serious crime.Take care he does not know what you find out. If you are in danger make a silent 999 call. They record all the calls and trace them. Once they come to your home tell them to free you, you are held as a prisoner with your kids and your life is in danger. That is it. Good bye abuser.
Do not fear what comes after. You will have to fight. But that will pass and your future will be better.
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Omg she ignored you even though you asked for help. That is so wrong. Maybe he asked her to never mention it again but either way as a parent i do believe you should br warned whether they like it or not x
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The doors arent locked tho so he can just say im free to go as i please. Im not though. Its like an unspoken rule. He knows i cant go out as ill get lost and hed never let me out alone, he comes everywhere with me on the rare occasion i do go out. He literally has everything and everyone where he wants them.
He didnt know his mum had told me, she knew i wanted to leave and so lied thru her teeth to talk me out of it xx -
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I think Ayanna means things will be all up in the air for a while after leaving and there will be a lot of upset as all splits come with that but with help you can get through it x
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The health visitor is not fully aware of the situation at home so has based her judgement on what she sees in front of her. If she knew the full circumstances she would not be blaming you. If she knew about your partner hitting the children and being very controlling of you she would be obliged to offer you immediate help and support. When people become aware of the situation you are in they will be wanting to support you x
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You need to be out of there asap. He is not a good husband and you should not have to have sex with him to keep him happy. Please consider texting the police or finding someone professional to disclose what is going on in your house. Would he go in with you to a GP appointment? x
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Hi Scaredandlonely,
Please listen to your gut. If you feel frightened and scared, there is a reason why. The Police would help you. You and your children are very much under control and living a compromised existence. He is an abuser and there are laws to protect you and your children. I really hope you can find the courage to phone them.
We are all here for you.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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He is doing that so you feel that you are over reacting, you are not. Please if you can ring or text the police. Even if every refuge is full they will find you and the kids somewhere safe. x
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When he goes off make a silent 999 call and let the police hear everything.
You can do this.
The police can also look for a refuge for you.I bet you will never get lost once you get out.
I had a similar problem. I was only allowed my way to work and often he accompanied me there too and picked me up.
As soon as I was out of that relationship I became the most orientated and confident commuter ever, all on my own, without anyone’s help. And for the worst case scenario, there are navigators on smartphones …In my opinion the health visitor is (detail removed by Moderator). They all have mandatory safeguarding training. But that is for the fishes with these people. She should be able to see signs. But no interest, just a wall in front of her eyes. Only few see the signs, (detail removed by Moderator).
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It’s a shame health visitors and such dont make a point of spending a few minutes alone with mum it could be a lifeline for some. Your lucky now if police even ask to speak to you alone. I hope you manage a good nights sleep.
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I just looked at the emergency sms service you need to register http://www.emergencysms.org.uk/ have a read and as soon as you get chance register. Don’t forget to wipe your sent messages x
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Yea, it should be the norm that if they see a woman visibly upset when they arrive (i was crying when she came in) to ask for 5 mins alone. Last time i called the cops on him they did spend time alone with me to chat but as hed just been shouting and refusing to leave i played it down as at the time i thought he had to hit me before anything could be done. He was sent away but of course arrived back the next day all apologetic and itll never happen again etc, i wish now id refused to listen to him as hes getting worse and worse. Oddly though, this evening im wondering am i overreacting?? The HVs attitude has made me feel like a silly little girl 😞
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You are not a silly little girl but I do understand how some people can make you feel like that. A week or so ago I was convinced he was about to do me in, but then my mate and that said he is just doing it to scare you. Well it worked but I did feel a bit silly too. No one around me bats an eyelid now if they hear him making threats not the neighbours not my own family they are so used to it. I rarely say anything if he has done something bad because i don’t want them thinking I am being a dramaqueen.
He also apologises when he has been particularly bad or if he has frightened me, he likes to hold lighters up to something flammable and joke that he is going to burn the house down with me and him in it. Then when i threaten to phone the police to make him stop he laughs and thinks its funny cos he is only joking. It drives me mad.
Now I am going on lol, you are not over reacting neither are you a silly little girl. What he does is abusive and how you feel is valid. If he is getting worse and worse then like Lisa says listen to your gut, this is not going to get better anytime soon unless you manage to get out. I am shocked that given you were crying that the hv was not more sympathetic. x
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God how do you put up with that? He sounds very arrogant to actually threaten you in public, you should let your friends and family know what hes really like and that his jokes are (from what id gather) veiled threats. My husband finds it hilarious when one of the kids falls and cuts their knee to get a knife and say ok im gona cut your leg off now, it sends them hysterical, on top of already being upset. He laughs and says aw get a sense of humour uts just a joke…yea, just a joke, what a pathetic excuse to cause fear in others for their own amusement. Sick in the head.
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I am used to the way he is , I try to make it appear like I am not bothered to him because he likes a reaction. He will frequently try to put me in my place in front of other people usually his friends or he will get them to join in with him. Ironically though if they do it off their own back he puts them in their place. He is very strange at times. The other thing is they see that the violence has improved drastically so its just words if he says anything in front of them. However to me if he was violent it would be over within an hour or two and then he would be all sorry. With threats, insinuations and jokes it is never over because you have to always be on guard. He has history, they might not be empty threats so I dont let my guard down with him.
It must be hard for you when he is tormenting your kids, I also would find nothing funny about it. It makes you wonder where their sick sense of humour comes from. I bet the kids really dislike him when he is like that with them. x
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Def dont let your guard down, he sounds like a bit of a loose cannon. And getting his mates to join in, thats awful, do none of them see anything wrong in it?? I swear, people confuse the hell out of me. Yea it makes me mad when he does it, they want comforted not frightened, he says im a bore for telling the kids hes not really gona do it rather than letting him carry on his ‘joke’ its not funny at all, but as long as hes having fun what does mine or the kids feelings matter. Its exhausting.
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They are manipulative and lie, who knows what are the real dynamics between him and his friends. I think that my ex used his best friend and other friends as part of his abuse agenda towards me. My ex told massive lies to everybody about me so I will never know what he said. But his whole circle of friends and family gave me the cold shoulder. A few times his friends dropped comments into conversations which were deliberatly designed to really upset me, I think my ex told his friend my vulnerability and to mention something about this in conversation. He was a nasty sick character. My ex also told me huge secrets about his friends marriage, loyalty – not! The whole group of them were in the abuse together i’m so glad to be out of it. Incidently the best friend is a raging alcoholic, hugely in debt, miserable in their marriage & serial cheater. My ex and his friends are all losers.
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It must be a man thing he too tells the most awful stories and people rarely ask you they just give you that look. When they gang up together they are nasty but of course its all in jest. I have been really nice to the one in particular but only cos hes a nasty character and better to have him onside than off. If i had a choice i would not even acknowledge them x
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Please be careful x
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