Can't cope

[Finallysomethingclicked]

Hi
I’ve not been on for weeks trying to sort myself out and it’s not working I cry constantly I work but just can’t support myself and children I’m constantly struggling I just think if I go back my kids won’t struggle anymore he was a good dad just a c****y husband but then my head clears and I hate him I just hate this struggle financially and emotionally has anyone any advice I’m desperate I can’t leave my job as I’m training to improve myself there but need a second job like yesterday I don’t want to beg ex for help but it’s getting that bad

[Serenity]

Hi Finally Clicked,

No one can escape the ravages of abuse.

If he is unkind to you, it will take its toll
on you living with him. We aren’t robots. However much we try to bat off the abuse to preserve the family home, the abuse affects us emotionally, mentally and physically.

Mothers are so important to children. Apparently, mothers are the ones to most influence children. It’s very painful to accept that our family unit has fallen apart- there’s a lot of guilt there- but I do believe that it would also be damaging for my children to see me tolerate abuse. Plus, my health was deteriorating.

I can truly understand your pain. Leaving isn’t easy: there’s no easy option. But I do think that leaving is out only chance to
Regain our sense of self and our health.

Do all you can to receive the money you’re entitled to- child maintenance, tax. Refits etc. When I first left my abuser, my finances were smashed. I’ve slowly begun to recover. You will too. You will slowly build yourself up.

Make sure you’re getting all the support you can- counselling, CAB, helplines, etc. Look at the National Debtline and Family Lives.

I found that my utility providers were very sympathetic when I confided in them about my situation. They sorted out a payment plan for me.

Abusers try to prevent us from having direction and purpose. Without them, we can have both. There’s no hurry: you can do it step by step, building yourself up brick by brick, restoring yourself and repairing the damage he has done to you.

You will get there x

[Serenity]

Sorry, typing error: tax credits.

[Confused123]

HI LOvely

I think serenity has advised u right, please seek support to see what help u r entitiled to, try and claim all benefits from csa , tax credits, housing benefit , budget with your wshopping, get in touch with singlemums they will give u tips to, there are loads of groups set up on face book these days

[danicali]

sorry, but how can he be a “good dad” if he’s abusive in the relationship and doing what he’s doing to you? i don’t see it. i know the lovely family courts think otherwise (they disregard DV as far as determining if a father is a good father, shamefully), but i don’t. if he really loved the kids, he wouldn’t put you through this nonsense. so, he’s not as good a dad as you may believe.

tormenting mum then trying to claim to be superdad doesn’t fly. think about it.

women who leave abusers face poverty and lots of other hardships. that is typical. you have to choose for yourself what you think is best. going back to an abuser and being more secure financially but your kids watching you get abused, or escaping an abuser and living with less x

[Serenity]

Finally Clicked,

I think we initially have less. Typically, women who leave are very financially challenged.

There were days when I had a few coins to my name, after paying out huge bills. But I didn’t realise at that point that I could ask for my bills to be reduced, paid over a linger period, etc.

There are all kinds of things to help people in financial distress, things I wasn’t aware of. Energy trust funds, payment plans, bill reductions, etc.

Men use money to control us. They want us to think we can’t survive without them. We can.

But as Confused has said, there is support out there to get you through the initial hiatus.

Ironically, being away from our abuser means that, eventually, we achieve more. We are free to retrain, work more ( not least because our health does eventually begin to recover) and we are better off eventually! Our life can take on a better quality, if we go out and get all the support to recover. It’s nigh impossible to deal with such trauma alone- we need to find out support network and allow it to help us.

Hugs x

[Finallysomethingclicked]

Thank you lovely ladies for your replies,
I thought I could do this alone I was so strong in the beginning but I’m quickly realising I need the help i hate that on my low days I think about giving up and going back I won’t I’ve promised myself I won’t let him win I know he would kill what’s left of my soul if I did. I just need to sort myself out emotionally I feel I cry all day everyday and it’s exhausting and I just don’t know where to go from here. Thank you for the advice it’s given me a lot to look into and hopefully things will get better soon. Thank you for being there x

[KIP.]

Hey there, recovering from abuse is a real roller coaster ride. It’s important that you take care of yourself. Eat properly, keep hydrated. Take all the help that you can especially from agencies that can help and understand. It’s a hard road but well worth the effort to be free from abuse. Things will get better but it takes time and no contact with your abuser. Stay strong x

[Finallysomethingclicked]

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!❤️❤️

I went to c.a.b and they were brilliant as were you all with the advice things are looking better and financially I have a little wiggle room which is fantastic and just makes this a bit easier one less stress. I actually woke up happy today and I’m smiling so a BIG THANK YOU for helping through a bad few weeks I know it’s a long road but I’m grateful for days like this to make me realise I’m good I don’t need him I’m doing this without him!!!! THATS THE BEST FEELING😜 Thank you

[Serenity]

So pleased. There is help out here if you look for it- far better than struggling alone.

Just to say, not a lot of people know that the main utility providers have trust funds for those struggling to pay bills of who are in arrears and difficult situations. They don’t seem to advertise it, but it’s worth asking.

Also, local charities and churches often offer free debt advice and support. Just sharing your worries is a weight off your shoulders.

[Confused123]

HI Lovely

So glad to hear u feeling better, always reach out for support whenever u need it

[Author]

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