Can’t cope

[Anonymous]

I have left home (detail removed by moderator) ago and I can’t cope. I have gone to live with family. I’m constantly told to instigate divorce , get him out of the house etc by family and friends . I don’t want to be told what to do. They leave it a few days and then it all starts again. I am fragile and ill from it all and I (detail removed by moderator) and can’t cope. I feel trapped. I’ve been trying to sort out entitlements and am getting nowhere fast. Early help haven’t been able to sort things out for me either. I speak to the Samaritans by letter every day and I have an appointment for a psychologist in a few weeks. I had a crisis team, but they have now discharged me. I have a physical illness and my family just blame the stress for flaring it, but they are part of that stress too now.

My husband has no idea I have told anyone about the things he has done and he is still trying to convince me to return. He wouldnt see it as abuse. It makes me feel even more trapped as even if I wanted to I can’t go back because he would find out at some point what my family think of him. I don’t know how to get peace when I don’t know if I can ever work again and I’m in constant pain.

[Eggshells]

Hi Controlled,

Just by leaving him, you have shown your incredible strength and courage. Leaving and adjusting to your new life is a huge challenge and it sounds like you feel totally overwhelmed. I’m sure that your family and friends mean well; I suspect that they are furious on your behalf but what you really need now is empathy and time to adjust. You really don’t sound ready for the battle that they want you to start.

My mother is a narc and has no empathy at all so I’m just very blunt with her using comments like “I don’t want to discuss…… I’m not ready for that yet. I can’t cope with it now I just need …….” When she ignores those boundaries I bluntly change the subject or just walk away.

I would strongly recommend that you see your GP to see what they can do to help you through this difficult time. Know what it is that you want from your GP when you visit and don’t be afraid to ask for it. If you want meds to help you through, tell them. If it’s talking therapy, tell them.

If at any point you feel that you are not safe from yourself, please call 111 and go for option 2. If you can’t get through dial 999 and tell them that (detail removed by moderator).

You will get through this but it sounds as though you need to be with people who understand you. Please call your local domestic violence charity to see if they can help. You can find your local group here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Please keep posting, the ladies here are wonderful and they will understand. xx

[Anonymous]

Thank you for replying . I don’t want any meds as I get severe side effects and they make me worse. I am due to speak to a psychologist but in all honesty talking about it brings it all to the suffice and makes me feel worse. I also get reliant on people I talk to and them when I’m sent on my way before I’m ready I find it hard to cope.

The last person I spoke to said , oh your (detail removed by moderator) pain will improve when you sort out the other stresses in your life. I don’t even have (detail removed by moderator)! They don’t even bother to read the notes.

I’m now questioning if it was abuse as I watched a video on coercive control and it said that some women were timed when they went to the toilet or had to give every penny or they would be scared of being hit. I wasn’t punched etc or given a black eye. I had no money because of the debts accrued mostly by decisions made by my partner. He always threatened to leave me, shouted a lot and didn’t listen to any of my opinions when it came to making big decisions. He was in control of our bank account but (detail removed by moderator). I don’t know if this is abuse or just me being weak. There was a lot of other things but I don’t want to put it on here in case I am identified

[Greenbox]

Hello Controlled, questioning yourself is something most of us have done and continue to do but that’s generally because of the abuse itself. Try not to compare yourself to other people’s stories as you can invalidate what happened to you. Abusers can be quite clever about what they do to you to make you question was it really that bad. The absence of outright physical violence doesn’t mean you imagined what happened to you. There are types of physical violence that don’t leave marks on your body but leave lasting impressions in your mind.
Have you read Lundy Bancroft – Why does he do that? This book opened my eyes to what was going on in my situation and is often referred to on this forum.

[Author]

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