cant forget

[Confused123]

Hi Ladies

I feel like such a hyprocite, i always advise ladies to keepm away from their ex and i do agree with this statment, but i go through phases where i cant sstop thinking about ex and if he is ok. I know I can never be close to him as he would just hurt me, but then i get days where i feel so sorry for the abuse he expereinced from his brother and maybe thats why he turned out the way he did, i can see know he was clearly abused by his brother and family, cosntantly put down that chose drink next, none of us could see his plea for help for sucide. I know what he did to me was so wrong but i just want to reach out to him and tell him to help himself, ic ant ask no one one how he is as they would be like u left him whats it to u, i just wosh i could forget, all i knnow is i have to stay away from him , but i worry about him so much, i try and focus on moving on and forget about what he does but i just get double minded about how his family wanted to help him but ended up abusing him

[Serenity]

Hi Confused,

We’ve been abused and not treated well by our ex and family members etc but do we go and take out that pain on someone else in the way our exes have?

I think we all need to deal with pain in different ways every day in our lives. We all take steps to manage our feelings about negative situations. Ourcsbuseralso entitled to behave as they did. Their view of other people is all wrong. Someone once said to me that abusers are ‘anti love’ and it’s true: they do the exact opposite of what you’re meant to do in a loving relationship. They are self-serving and destructive. We become ruined by being around them.

One thing that kept us ladies with our abusers was the fact we are empaths , caring people, and somehow felt responsible for saving our abusers. The truth is, they can’t be saved. They need to take step themselves, and maybe need to reach rock bottom before they realise how they’ve behaved and take some steps to manage their life. We aren’t their mothers. They were meant to protect us and our children: they did the opposite.

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Confused, I’m sure like all of us you dedicated yourself to trying to heal and fix your ex while you were together so you know this isn’t possible. You did it because you’re a kind, loving person. But actually you helped him even more by saying no to being abused anymore and giving him the opportunity to see how harmful his behaviour has been. It’s up to him now whether he chooses to take that opportunity. He’s an adult and it’s entirely his own responsibility. You’ve done the kindest things you could for everyone, you deserve to let go and enjoy life now free of worry about him xx

[fizzylem]

Yeah I agree, it’s his responsibility to help himself – there really is no other way forward for him. Sounds like you’ve not not quite let go of trying to fix him – sadly you can’t. I reckon stay with your gut feeling to stay away, inject that self-care and be with friends. I can relate in with the obsessional thoughts so much, when this happens to me I would stay with my decision to keep myself safe, no contact and do some more on-line reading to help you make sense of more stuff.

[Anonymous]

I know how you feel hun . Iam sure my ex had a terrible past but he never opened up to me . I did everything for our relationship but i did not deserve rape or emotional abuse! .. but iam healing now and trying not to think about him .but at times it is hard as i loved him so so much … x chin up hun x

[Ayanna]

I know that feeling. The ex abuser had a bad past and for a long time I was so worried what would happen to him as he cannot deal well with stress, whilst I was afraid of his revenge at the same time.

I have become harder though and now I tell myself that I had a bad childhood too, but I never harmed anyone.

It would devastate me though if I heard that he became homeless or worse.
That is because we are good and caring people. These men are not like us. They only feel sorry for themselves and do not care about anyone else.

[Confused123]

Hi

Thx u ladies , yes i must just stop trying to want to fix things for him , (detail removed by moderator) i saw a miss call formn his (relative removed by moderator) , i text back saying think u dialled by accident, sshe text bk no it was accident wanted to speak to u to see how u and kids are. I just couldnt think of an appropriate reply, again that anger slips in, i was going to reply we are all ok, but mum was like what for, they messed your life up enough, what difference does it makee to them if u are ok and told me to ignore them, felt so hard to do but i didnt reply

[Author]

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