Can’t find the courage

[Learntoliveagain]

Hi, I haven’t posted for quite a while, but I’ve still been logging in to try and gain some strength and to try and find some courage to tell my husband I’m done trying to be the woman he wants me to be and the thought of spending the rest of my days with him is just to much to bear.

I’ve tried to sort out my finances etc so when I tell him I will be organised with a place etc, but in reality that’s just going to take to long.
We have separate accounts and I earn my own money and he doesn’t control my finances, and he never asks to see my account.
The thing is if I ask him to pay for something for the house because I can’t afford it (he earns more (detail removed by moderator) he replies with (detail removed by moderator) its always something sexual, something he knows I don’t feel comfortable doing….
So as a result I made the decision about (detail removed by moderator) to stop asking him and I’m paying for things we need for the house, home improvements etc, just so I don’t have to hear him say those words again. So now I owe on credit card and I’m always overdrawn. Its such a mess.
I just want him to leave me so I can live again without this saddest that seems to fill my whole being.
He keeps telling me he is trying (and I think he is) (detail removed by moderator) I have to try to make the marriage work as well.
He then has a drink and I’m back to walking on eggshells. Trying not to say something to give him an excused to start shouting and slamming doors etc.
The following day he never apologises what he has said he just expects me to carry on as normal.
I can’t keep doing this, I feel dead inside when he is near me.
I don’t want him to touch me and I’m sure he knows,
I (detail removed by moderator) left home to come back to work after lunch and he stood in my way and wouldn’t move until I kissed him goodbye. I feel he testing me for a reaction so he can have a go.

How do I tell him it’s over but still end up living in the same house until things get sorted?
He has had (detail removed by moderator) of my life I don’t want to give him anymore of it.
Sorry to go, the kiss thing at lunchtime has really upset me.

[searchingforhope]

Hi Learntoliveagain

There are so many parts of that message are my life.
I feel exactly like you and I definitely have found new strength since joining the forum. It’s so hard to tell them it’s over. I’ve tried a few times and like you he feels things can work in the future. The kids are making it difficult for me, in that I’m worried about hurting them with separation. But I’m realising that I can’t give him anymore of my life either and I’m much happier when he is not around.

You deserve your life back. You deserve to be happy. Have you tried talking to Women’s Aid or your local supports? I find that helps.

You will get to the stage where you are done and you find the strength from somewhere, I feel I will too.
But it is hard, as no matter what advice we get, we are the only ones who can do it. And you can and you will do it.

Sending you love and strength.

x*x

[Learntoliveagain]

Hi searchingforhope,

Thank you, I always feel less alone when I’ve posted on the forum.
Like you I don’t want to be the person that causes my family more pain by being the one to leave. My children are adults but it doesn’t seem to make things easier.

Isn’t it strange how we can support each other and know exactly what to say to someone to help them, yet we can’t do that for ourselves.

Take care
xx

[nbumblebee]

You are so right sweetie, we can often see hear and feel the pain in others we can see just how horrible things must be for them and we encourage them to get help take action etc but when it comes to ourselves we just cant find a way through. I think its because we can feel love and compassion for others we care we want to help but due to years of put downs and nastyness from those who should love us we have learned that we dont matter we cant seem to have that same amount of love and compassion for ourselves that we can so easily see and give to others. I guess if we did many of us wouldnt still be here.
I guess thats what you must find.
The love and compassion for yourself the belief that you do deserve better and that you are strong enough to leave. Xxxxx

[searchingforhope]

@nbumblebee What you said is so true. We would know exactly what to say to a sister, friend, colleague in a situation similar to ours, but we have put ourselves so far down the priority list we can’t see how bad it is for ourselves. It’s actually horrible when I think about it. How can we let someone who’s meant to love us make us feel so small and worthless, while they think we are the one in the wrong.
I would have thought maybe kids being adults would make it easier, but I guess that there is never a right time or an easy time. It will always be cr*p and difficult. We just need to start learning to love ourselves and believe we deserve peace and happiness too.

Take care. Sending you both love x*x

[Lifebegins]

Hi Learntoliveagain

Your story resonates with me too. (detail removed by moderator) And the forced kisses. Ugh. It makes me skin crawl just to think about it now!

I’ve been out for a while. Total financial mess to start with but now way more controlled. Step Change are a free debt organisation who are brilliant at helping you make a plan and sort your debt. Also Citizens Advice. I can’t explain how relieved I felt after speaking to them and getting their support. I’d also speak to Women’s Aid about formulating an exit plan and utilise the free 30 minutes most solicitors offer so you can see what your legal rights are to any shared property/assets. Once you have the info, You don’t have to do anything about it right now if you don’t want to. All in your own time. But it’s good to know where you stand and how you can make leaving happen if you choose to.

And you’re spot on about thinking of spending the rest of your life with him is too much to bear. Back before I left someone posted on here about how did you see your life in a month/a year/10 years etc and it had a massive impact on me. I didn’t want to continue living in misery and I knew if I stayed I’d still be living in misery 10 years later and maybe worse. So I left. And despite all the grief from him I’ve had post separation there isn’t one day I’ve regretted it and I cannot put into words what it’s like to have my freedom.

Wishing you all the best ❤️Xx

[Kitkat44]

Hello learntoliveagain,

I remember how you describe feeling so well, I haven’t been out long. It’s exhausting, in the end I had tried to say how I felt a few times and he always found a way to talk me round or behave oddly (I see now he just was using different tactics) that made me stay as it threw me off track.
No direct physical violence, very intimidating with looks and gestures and name calling(out of earshot of children) my brain would freeze, i was scared of him and it’s so hard to explain if you’ve never felt that way.
I had to make a plan and leave without him knowing, it went against all the fibres of my being because it seems wrong but it is the only way. It is escaping.
I remember a while back on here a very wise poster said she told herself something along the lines of “I am leaving, just not yet” it stuck with me as it kept the hope alive.
You will get there when the time is right for you.
Build support around you, if you can speak to the wonderful ladies on the National DA helpline it is so reassuring and they can signpost you to other support. And or your local DA charity.
Take care, sending love xx

[Learntoliveagain]

Hi everyone,
Thank you for your strength you give me and your advice. I did talk to a solicitor a while ago, but she was awful she just made me panic and I didn’t feel she was listening to me. I felt so uncomfortable telling her my life, I felt I was being judged.
I’m going to hold on to what @tkat44 said ” I am leaving, just not yet”.
The feeling of being disloyal and deceitful sometimes is overwhelming. I have to remind myself this isn’t a normal healthy marriage and I’m not just able to sit down and talk and explain my feelings.
The not knowing how he will react keeps me here, and realisation that he truly believes I will never leave him, regardless of how bad things are hurts so much. How can anyone treat someone so badly, then say they love you and they don’t want to lose you….
I can’t put into words how I cant bear the thought of going though another one of his birthdays, when he expects me to be his plaything for the day and buy him expensive gifts, or another fathers day having to agree with him about what a great dad he is etc.

It gives me hope that so many of you have left, and after a while life becomes worth living again.
For the ladies like me, for the time being we have to try and stay strong for a little longer.

While I feel I have a little strength this morning, before he gets up, and starts moaning and sulking with me for not staying in bed.
I’m going to look for another law firm that deals with DA and won’t cost me a fortune.
A lady on here once told me when I first posted my situation that “it starts with baby steps”.

Thank you again, for reminding me I’m not alone.

Take care xx

[nbumblebee]

The feeling of being disloyal and decietful are what holds me here i think and guilt that somehow i am to blame in all this i too have to remind myself this isnt a normal life and i lie because i have too. I am going through my longest calm spell its un nerving but like you I am using it to build myself up without him knocking me down.
I think its fantastic that you are gonna look into a solicitor again good for you.
Keep moving foward sweetie you are doing great xx

[searchingforhope]

Today I feel very much alone and worn out and exhausted. You’re post is a reminder that, the feelings come and go in waves and this too shall pass. But the utter heartbreak of someone hurting you so much and can say they love you and don’t want to lose you. There is no explaining it. It’s head wrecking.
I’ve a sick baby in my family right now and if my husband really wanted things to work, he would do more than he is doing. I think maybe its the situation and he really doesn’t know what to do because of the way things are with us right now. But it can’t all be me. If he really loved me and wanted to support me, then he could show me, I shouldn’t have to spell it out to him! and he’s not at all.

Hope you found a better solicitor. Good luck and take care

x*x

[Learntoliveagain]

After my post on (detail removed by moderator) when I was feeling a little stronger, my husband got up in a mood (I knew he would), and within half an hour he was poking me for an argument.
Started saying I don’t do anything for him anymore, (detail removed by moderator). He was so angry about it.
I tried to stay calm and ignore him, but I couldn’t he just wouldn’t stop, he just got worse, blaming me for everything. Blamed me for his drinking, said he has nothing else to do, if I cared about him I would make more of an effort.
I ended up crying/sobbing and tried to tell him again how he makes me feel and that the only thing he does for me is makes me unhappy.
(Detail of conversation removed by moderator).

On (detail removed by moderator) he texted me at work saying he was sorry for everything (detail removed by moderator).
He said he wants to prove he can change and he is trying. He loves me loads and doesn’t want to lose me.
But…. I have to want to spend more time with him, I have to me more loving to him so he can prove he is trying.
I’m back to square one…. he’s tidying the house before get home from work, telling me he loves me before going to bed, keeps asking if he can do anything to help.
I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, why do I feel this is never going to end, my life is on s****y loop.
If I don’t start playing happy families he will tell everyone that will listen to him that I was the problem that I’m crazy.
I dont want to do this anymore, I don’t want to be with him. I can’t forgive or forget some of the awful things he has done to me.
I just want the abuse to stop, after all this time and realisation that is what is happening it still kills me to use that word when describing my husband/marriage.
Im so very sorry for the long post I just had to pour my heart out or otherwise I’m just going to fall apart while at work xx

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