Can't get over my fear of men

[TakingMeBack]

I’ve been away for months now but I feel all I hear is stories about someone else being hut or manipulated or gas-lighted. I get anxious around men and just think you never know what someones really like as I got it so wrong. I’m struggling to deal with the fact that a lot happens behind close doors so find myself analysing everything trying to work out is he ok or not?

Does anyone else feel the same?

Has anyone else gotten over this and can give me some advice or reassurance.

[Yellowflower]

I’m sorry I’m not much help here… but yes I feel completely the same! I’m very anxious around men and luckily the work I do I can manage to avoid them… but I can’t live like that forever. I am completing the freedom programme. Have you thought about doing that? So far it’s making me realise that in the future if I could ever ever be with a man again I’d know exactly what I’d look for and know the red flags.. I think that would help you too to understand their are warning signs and not all men are the same. Big hugs though hunni I do know how you feel xx

[fizzylem]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I’m not fearful of being around men as friends, I’m fearful of intimacy and making a mistake again; or being hoodwinked, but then I’m not interested at all in dating. Thinking that if I did meet someone they would be friend zoned for a long time and even if something did develop I doubt I would let him into my life fully for a very long time, until I felt certain he was not controlling in any way. I would never give my home up again now or invite him to move in and I wouldnt introduce him to my child either for many, many years. If you’re only a few months out then it is very early days yet; I am yaers down the line; maybe in time you will feel ok to have male friends to start? x

[Tiffany]

I got thrown in at the deep end with this one. I lost my job when I escaped my abuser. Got a new one (detail removed by moderator), only to discover that I was the only woman in my team, and that I was working closely with another team which was also entirely male. Complete chance, it wasn’t a male dominated profession or anything. It just happened that all of the (detail removed by moderator) people I was interacting with on a daily basis were male. It actually turned out really well. My anxiety levels were through the roof initially, but it turned out that the entire team were really nice guys, lovely to work with, calm under pressure, reasonable of their expectations of me, and treated me fairly. It really boosted both my confidence and my confidence in men as generally good people.

Obviously it’s not a situation that is easily replicated, so what I would suggest is to try and make sure that the men you choose to interact with are nice. That can be as simple as choosing the friendly chatty man at the supermarket tils. There was a lovely smiley guy at my local supermarket, who was always lovely to everyone – I don’t know him, but someone who you watch going out of his way to brighten up the days of all the people in the queue in front of you, and who is then nice to you boosts your belief in good people.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi takingmeback

I think your reaction is a completely normal, and natural way of protecting and looking after yourself because of your experiences.

This is a common effect of domestic abuse on women and children.

Why would you trust men after being so abused by one, knowing that many do abuse and many women and children suffer.

The key is working out who’s abusive and who’s not, something that tue freedom programme can help a lot with, as you are guided on how to see the signs, notice the tactics, and spot them early on.

Some can be the loveliest, warmest and funniest of men, then say just one thing that is a bit off,and when you’ve got yourself clued up to it, you can’t but notice. You might not say, but you will be building an accurate picture of that man, and be ready to have your suspicions further aroused, or realise it was just a one-off thing that you could ask about and hear their reasoning.

Its a slow process, but, it does depend whats hapened and how its impacted on you as to how manageable that is for you.

Be kind to yourself and notice the different behaviours and voices around you.

Remember also, that a lot of this only becomes apparent behind closed doors, when you see the real person you’re shut in with. Hopefully now, because of your natural reactions, you will really know another time before getting to that stage.

I’ve heard it said many times that you go through a stage of thinking everything is abuse, but it does pass, thats part of your trauma response.

Warmest wishes

TS

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